John

John had spent a lot of time thinking about his previous cowardice at the tavern. It was obvious to him he did not have the ability to perform heroic deeds like paladins such as Pierre but he should have at least made the attempt. Instead he had hid from the conflict in the Healer's building, like some child hiding under his bed after a nightmare.

As far as Kaelyn, she had seemed to forgive him and had not spoken of the incident since it had happened. However, because of his shame, John found it difficult being around her. He had begun making excuses to go out somewhere else and do a patrol or to talk with someone else. These excuses were primarily so he didn't have to look Kaelyn in the eye. Kaelyn, with the moot and her additional duties as the captain of the guards, had not noticed any change in his demeanor. At least John could be grateful of that. Still Kaelyn's forgiveness didn't help him sleep any better.

John had not been able to sleep for months. The guilt of his wife's and mentor's death was weighing John down and actually starting to effect his physical condition. He had told his concerned friends that the illness might be a curse and had even told Keina that he would begin an investigation to determine its source but the truth was, John had worried himself sick about the things that he had done in the past. Recently he had found some joy in his investigations with Decardo and Cutter and with it an improvement in his health. However, the incident at the tavern had brought back his old feelings of unworthiness and with it, the curse of guilt which had recently been demonstrated by paleness of his skin and the loss of his hair.

His health had been a lot better when he had been a member of Henry's Gang. The gang members never made him feel bad about the things that he did. Actually the things he did were not near as bad as the actions of a lot of the members of Henry's gang and this made him feel like he really wasn't that bad. The gang members were crude and at times uncaring but there was something about the bond they had. John missed the nights around the campfire; where they would tell rude jokes, talk about a particular barmaid, and just generally enjoy the company of other misfits. This was the only time that John knew that he could fully trust the other brigands. At any other time, he could expect them to betray him at the drop of a hat, but during those nights he really felt as if he belonged to something that cumulatively was greater than the people collected there.

When John had become a guard in Trinsic, he found people of greater virtue than he. When guards like Kaelyn demonstrated their courage, it only served to point out John's cowardice. John still preferred being able to trust the people that were around him. Trinsic gave him this kind of trust all the time not just during the time winding down around a campfire. Trinsic showed him that honor was possible and that even though it had slipped through his grasp, it was not unattainable. He would continue to try, as a daily struggle, to attain this worthiness, hopefully this would honor those people that had entrusted him with his position as a Trinsican Guard. This was the virtue he was seeking. Not an ankh, not a shrine, but an actual change within him, that was where the journey would take place.