Angst

15 October 359 SR

Meeting VanQa

The first time I saw VanQa up and about was a few days ago. From some way away I saw a lady dressed in a simple white ankle-length gown, looking out across the land from one of the city terraces. She had her back to me, but I recognised her.

I approached nervously, unsure of my reception, aware that she was still likely to be self-conscious of her tattoos. She greeted me warmly, though I could see that she seemed uncomfortable and shy. But it soon passed, and after some time we both relaxed and sat on benches and talked.

Many times before I had thought through what I would say. I had decided to be direct and simple. I confessed that during the crisis I had fallen in love with her and thought that if Miguen really were dead she might return my love, but that now, of course, all was changed. We hugged and both shed a tear, but it was a healing meeting for me.

After consulting with her sister, Durinka, Guardian of Eska?eldalie, VanQa bestowed on me the right to freely visit this elven haven, escorted by an elf and using potions of forgetfulness: also for my children should they need sanctuary. I was overwhelmed: it is a mighty gift.

Then, after I took a potion of forgetfulness, she escorted me a little way to just in sight of the elven city, pointed the way to Aldenkoi, and we bade each other farewell. From Aldenkoi I knew my way.

I had no heart to return to my empty house and so went directly from the Trinsic Moongate to The Trinsic Rose, falling into an exhausted sleep in the elven reading chair that is in the crafting room. I dreamed I met Sir Elion and Ruadnit Troi at the moongate, but the potion of forgetfulness was still on me, so I cannot be sure.


28 October 359 SR

Back - yet not back

I went to my first evening at The Trinsic Rose and met Gwen and Sir Elion. A fine crowd gathered, ordinary rough men and women like myself from Yew who I felt an affinity with, playing darts for diamonds. The serf, Ivan the cook, came too.

Yet I felt strangely detached, as if seeing everything with new eyes for the first time. My thoughts turn always to VanQa. I am between two worlds. I had not the heart for small talk, so I excused myself early and went to sleep in the crafting room.

This is a strange time. I need to digest all that happened and make sense of my churning emotions. When alone I have periods of uncontrolled weeping, though I sense they are slowly lessening. I have returned, but feel not the same man. I keep putting off going to Ye Olde Poste Office; to seek my children; and to begin to work metal again - to complete the transition to what has become to mine eyes a world of darker shades of grey. And to decide my future?