Mordred of Kaldor

Been some time since I had the time to sit and think about some things. Too many things happening. Too fast.

Least of my worries are the Marksmen. With the fool missing his men are quite alright. Heck, even Charlotte gave me a Christmas present. I don't mind his absense. If anything, it is one less headache. But everyone else seems to worry. They have arranged one more search party. I have a feeling that this time I wont be so lucky and he will show up. I'll just have to wait and see. It goes without saying that I will not attend.

The Yew militia. We are supposed to be at war with them. Seems things have cooled down a bit. Maybe in the spirit of the days. I find myself fighting more brigands and thugs, than Yew Guardsmen. Either way I have my share of fun.

I believe though that people have started to lose their minds. Pregnant woman attacking me and only moments later giving birth to her child. Nemo going off to seek some comfort and ending up missing a very important member.

Cal is...well I dont know what to think. Kai has been gone again for quite some time. She seems to believe that he has disappeared again and gone for good. I guess time will show. But this. She was in a bad state when I saw her last night. I knew right away she wouldn't be drinking her tea..so I got her a bottle of whiskey. It was going down pretty fast. She asked questions that are so general. Questions that noone has the answer to. And even if you do, people see them more like an excuse other than anything else. I tried to tell her that sometimes things just happen, maybe some of which one has no control over, and that she shouldn't give up and start blaming herself.

I was such a fool. The only one that she was not blaming was herself. I got told off like a 10year old lad. Her words hurt and I wanted to hit her so hard... But I care for her so I just left the table and sat at the bar drinking my ale. She was troubled enough. I had no reason to add to her sorrow. What makes me sad is that she never did forgive me. That I just realised. She always will have this in the back of her mind. And she will be recalling it whenever she sees fit. It is a pity. But I did try so very hard to regain her trust and her affection. I waited patiently for months for her to make her choice. Her words today...bitter comments. I will not involve myself anymore. I will not try to make her feel better because all I do is make things worse. She might think that I am angry and holding a grudge. It is best for both of us if we just forget what we once had.

This is such a hard time for me. My emotions are literarily all over the place. I am angry at stupid fools who wish to taunt us Kaldorians and at the end they go hide behind a lasses skirts. I am sad when I realised Cal never did forgive me. I am confused as to what I must do with Natalie. She is a wondeful woman. Anything a man can ever dream of having. Once you get her to open up. She is funny, cheerful, trusting and comforting. Extraordinarily sweet. *smiles to himself*. She is wonderful. But it seems that our free time together is not enough. When I do get the chance to see her its usually in the middle of fights and then one of the two of us are wounded. Like what happened the other day. I saw her hurt and I went crazy taking my men in pursuit of someone. I never saw her again that day. I care for her but she seems to think that I am a grand man. That I will never let her down. I have already in more ways than one. Bottomline is, I will not be able to give her what I should. And telling her that is a lie. She never asked me for more that is true. But I know she wants. Because I want it to. And I can't seem to manage to have it.

I'll be leaving for Gorimdor in two weeks time. Shelly will be coming as well. We both have a lot to think about and we need time we dont have here. Veggeta came back from wherever he has been for the past few months. Only for a short time though. I know how he feels...But we are idiots to feel this way it seems accordin to some.

Got many things to straighten out with a lot of people. Decisions will be hasty, some of them even wrong. Some may seem unfair and some irrational. I have thought about all this so much..but I cant seem to straighten even myself out. So they might not see it. But they are all better off this way.

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