I confess...I like being a female gamer in a male-dominated game.
There. I said it.
But let me clarify this point lest I be taken for some internet wannabe vixen. (I say 'wannabe', because I'm not a vixen. I've never been a vixen, and I will never be a vixen. And anything Elanos or anyone else claims to the contrary is, uncategorically, utter shite. I'm not here to manipulate you, hurt you, use you for personal gain or feed my sexual ego through your attention - though your attention is utterly charming and appreciated, don't get me wrong. I just prefer it to be understood that I'm not here to FOOL you into giving it to me. No, I'd rather you hand it over freely.
)
Sorry. I'm not helping. That's my late-night Ventrilo personality shining forth and in no way should be taken for reality.
So let me start again, and phrase it more accurately.
What I mean is - I like that I have male friends, I like being a part of their silly male jokes, perversions, doubts, arguments, frustrations, questions and otherwise utterly engaging bullshit. I feel a part of a fundamentally honest part of their lives and personalities, where they - and I - are allowed to be ourselves. I am proud when a male friend says "I can tell you anything." And I get told that a lot, which tells me that maybe they can't tell other people much of anything. It feels good to be trusted, to be talked to in a way that says "I'm glad I can talk to you." A certain responsibility comes with that, true - but its one that for the **most part I gratefully and willingly accept as a sort of compliment.
**(except when I'm trying to level, am in a foul/quiet/reflective mood, in a heroic or currently trying to avoid THE INFERNAL COMING RIGHT FOR THE RAID!!! on Malchezar. In these cases its a bit more difficult for me, and I beg your understanding on the matter, we women need time alone too, despite what you may have thought about us. I don't want you with me when I shop for clothes, for instance, please do go find something else to do, because you sitting in that chair looking bored and out of place makes me feel bad or rushed and it ends up benefitting nobody.)
And, I like it because while I'm not a man, I spend a great deal of time socialising with them - and I am not excluded somehow; in this arena of gaming I actually find one of the least sexist and most egalitarian experiences going. Oh sure you get the regular jokes but if I was going to be offended about anything related to body parts or what women can or cannot do, I'd have quit years ago.
In my eyes, the only women that are offended by those statements in my mind are women that are threatened by them, or believe that the man saying it actually believes it. Either way, truth lies in you, not in the words of the person speaking them about you, or your sex. If you allow another person's words to take away your truths, or power, or what have you - then they can, and will.
Trust me - I know that one from experience. Of course words can hurt, especially if they touch on seeds of doubt within ourselves. But that doesn't make them TRUE. It only means they're resonating with something within us that, ideally, if the person is mature enough, can then be addressed.
If something hurts you, ask yourself why. You can get past a lot of pain that way, and learn things about yourself you didn't know - whatever sex you are.
Which brings me back to what I've come to love about being in a male-dominated hobby - all the fun and obvious shite about flirting and the dynamic of males and females aside...being close to men as friends mean that they often really
talk to you.
When I hear someone say "Oh men never open up/express themselves/tell you how they feel/know what they want"....I want to tell them that this is so very wrong. Are there men that can't communicate? Of course. But more often than not I find that men can communicate, just not the way WE do.
And in this relatively anonymous internet world, where I find in time that many male friends now speak to me about intensely personal things, I have learned they are really as expressive, emotional, complex, afraid, bold, wicked, honest, playful and sensual as women. They aren't encouraged to be all these things by most of the cultures we live in, so perhaps on some level these things remain unexpressed, or unaddressed, or simply thwarted. Too often I think men end up 'hurting' women not because they are careless, but because what actually needed to be said wasn't, because they never knew how to say it.
In short: too often I think women can take this lack of expression or emotion to mean it isn't there, and that's a damn shame.
Maybe because I'm a bit older now, and hopefully wiser, I've seen enough of the truth of all this that I find in myself a tremendous and genuine affection for men, a particular appreciation for their desire to be creative through roleplay or competitive and yet co-operative through pvp and pve.
And I don't feel outside it, I feel a part of it. At a time in my life when relationships themselves have been somewhat painful and negative over the past few years, time and time again its been male friends that kept my spirits up, made me laugh, or feel wanted, or encouraged me in some way - got me through a dark and depressive moment when I thought NOBODY gave a shit.....
Hmm..before you get the wrong idea here - I'm not saying that I should have to be validated by men, I'm talking more about keeping a balanced view of the opposite sex - because on the other hand I can't count how many times I've been unintentionally turned into big sister, mom *shudder*, teacher, or in some blushingly amusing moments, the lady with the whip in her hand. Boys will be boys, that much is and always WILL be true, and I've seen men pout, throw silly fits over stupid shit, get into e-peen slinging over loot/spec/dpsmeters/pvpranking/arena/gear, what have you.
Then again if you've ever seen a woman just miss grabbing the last 'medium' black cashmere sweater on sale only to hiss at the lucky recipient "....are you going to BUY that?" in acidic and menacing tones that actually mean "You little bitch! That won't even FIT you!!"- you'd understand the desire to compete, win and best someone else is in many of us also. Its just not always directed at the same things.
I've always had more male friends than female ones, and I'm not entirely sure why, for the female friends I've had in my adult life have been good ones, and long-term ones at that, I just don't tend to have a LOT of them, whereas I can almost always remember - that when I think of "my friends" in some collective term, most of the faces are always male.
This might also be down to interest - maybe it just happens that guys and I often like the same things, or that they felt comfortable around me because I did like them. I've grown up in an environment that resulted in me doing everything from deep-sea kingfishing to motorcycling, hiking, white water rafting and playing pool. I prefer whiskey and martinis over sweet alcohol, and playing MMPORGS over overblown romantic movies. (insert finger-in-mouth-gag-another-happy-ending-idealised-setting-inevitably-American-movie-with-Hugh-Grant-in-it).
But not always...because I can also fully admit to knowing what the phrase "300 thread count" means and why its a good thing, to having dozens of beautiful shoes I never wear, an occasional inexplicable lust for things involving really good chocolate (including the movie Chocolat), a need to cry or talk or get hugged sometimes for no reason other than I just NEED to cry or talk or get hugged, no less than ten bottles of perfume, a soft spot for unexpected flowers, and..yes....
...I will admit this to you today only..
I have at least 3 pink fuzzy sweaters, though in my defence I prefer black.
Its true. But if you tell anyone, I'll deny it, and hit you with a pool cue.