Bladius Dart

Captain's log

28th day of the 8th month

Having returned from my daring rescue of Corporal Vance's patrol in Blood Dungeon. I decided it was probably in the men's best interests to have some combat training. Them being done over by a few pools of blood hardly inspired me with confidence in our troops.

However, since I'd planned earlier to take them on a patrol, I was slightly unprepared. Never fear though, Dart is never flustered. The easiest thing to do was set them all against each other until I could think of something to pass the time.
A halberd-only round with three teams saw me laugh manfully with glee at the satisfying "CLANK" of halberd hitting Madsen skull.
After that was concluded I divided the men and women into two teams of incredibly balanced forces.

The Defensive Block

Sergeant Madsen
Corporal Vance
Besieger Corporal Walker

The Roaming Horde

Guard Crossarms
Rookie Besieger Fraser
Rookie Guard Dart
Rookie Guard Helmut
Footman Aldridge
Footman Foxe
Footman Tripps
Footman Suller

Oddly enough The Defensive Block easily dispatched The Roaming Horde.
May have had something to do with the ridiculously unfair restrictions I placed upon the Horde. Oh well!

After my impromtu training I stupidly allowed the men to have a drink at my expense in the tavern. All drinks under 100 crowns. Although my tab has somehow risen about 200%.
Thankfully nobody used my tab to start paying for roast dinners, in fact I'm surprised anyone ordered a roast dinner at all with Ronnie cooking them.



Tanya has apparently decided to join the Marksmen which is an interesting turn of events - today was the first day she'd even fired a bow in her life.
Still, she decided to re-open the endless dart throwing rivalry we have. I allowed her to win this round though, I generously decided it was in the best interests of her confidence to finally obtain a victory over me.
I then of course vanquished Leo Madsen just to re-assert myself as Dart Master and promptly retired as Champion of the World.

It was then that someone had the idea of settling/capturing the bridgeless island bang smack in the middle of Vesper... and so an adventure began.

- Dart


Captain's log

29th day of the 8th month

So there I was minding my own business when I find myself flung into some strategy game devised by the cunning mind of Annwyn Brown.
She tells me to stand on a square of cloth and decide what city I want to be.
I'm tempted to say 'Yew' but y'know since I need to be impartial and stuff and at the end of the day we're loyal to the King, I figure I'll defend Britain from the rest of Britannia. My tactics won't be all-out hostility as I am going to mediate between the others - putting down unrest where I can.

That plan fails miserably as it soon becomes apparent that everyone wants a piece of each other and some fools even go so far as to besiege the capital city!
The sieges always end abruptly as the overpowering might of the British Royal Army crushes Moonglow, Skara Brae and even Yew.

Britain eventually beats its three smaller rivals into submission, never having incurred a loss. A sad day for Britannia indeed as it was never my wish to come into combat with my once loyal subjects.



Later an hour or so before the Medal Ceremony I lead the men and women to Cove to partake in a 'Capture the Flag' style game.
I inform the men that should we in any way lose Alef Suller will be flogged.
I think the message is easily understood.
We approach Cove and there's some pikey savage there spouting off about 'Yewish Banken'. He attacks me, pounding away with his crude, savage axe at my plate armour. Unable to comprehend through his inferior savage intellect that he's not going to make much progress, especially when the men leap at him, halberds 'thwacking'.

We pick teams and Madsen thinks it's hilarious to pick me THIRD! THIRD I ask you!? Where does the little impotent bastard get off picking me third? Regardless. I of course pretty much single-handedly orchestrate a 3-0 victory for the Red Team.



Next up is the Medal Ceremony. Everyone takes practically a life-time to organise themselves. I'm quite impressed by the Waywatcher turnout and mortified by the Besieger and Ironarm turnout.
In fact the turnout overall was pretty abysmal, despite all our new recruits we barely managed to muster 17 rank and file guardsmen. Fools.



The men have a short break but I quickly drag them back on duty for my excuse to go batter savages.

We're apparently going to search for Hiroko Tanaka but anyone who knows me would know that I neither care about a silly Easterner Besieger nor do I have any intention of actually wasting my time looking for her. Still - If she's anywhere she's probably in Tokuno being Tokunese.
We head to Tokuno and 'Homare-Jima' or whatever.
Along the road we meet a bunch of laughing idiots who far from being yellow are actually red. I'm so stunned by their laughter that I occasionaly lose focus and stand still like a lemon. However, I notice everyone else doing the same thing so I kindly ignore that one and drag the men along the path to the cave I seek to enter and find Tanaka.

The cave is filled to the brim with these cackling psychopaths but we carry on and despite it taking nearly three hours to make it through the cave, we finally discover what we've been looking for... nothing.
Yes - nothing. I dragged everyone through a cave of incredibly dangerous beasties for no apparent reason other than for the hell of it. So? Everyone else does it!



After all is said and down we return home to patch up our armour and replenish supplies.

I've stupidly scheduled an afternoon event for today. As if I don't have enough paperwork as it is!

- Dart


Captain's log

30th day of the 8th month

Woke up this morning with some bizarre urge to wander around like a plank planting banners and recruitment pamphlets at every major location I could think of.

So I did -


There... wasn't that fascinating?

After that I prepared for my afternoon of games designed to keep our minions stimulated.
I began with a relay race, however the concept of a relay race and even a race itself seemed somewhat too complicated for the simple minds of the regular ranks so I moved onto a game of 'Captain says'. Despite abusing the game so that I could humiliate everyone involved, I grew tired of having the fools suck their big toenails and continued onto a game of Bulldog.

If Walker could knock down everybody within a minute and a half he would win a prize.
Somehow he beat everybody with about 4 seconds remaining and claimed his prize - a bottle of Dwarven Ale.

Now we would try our hands at Bagball. This was something of a whitewash, as certain individuals who shall remain unnamed (Tanya) didn't quite grasp the rules. Despite it being something of a tradition in my house.

Hell, even my youngest son knows the basic concepts of bagball and he can barely walk. I'm still quite convinced Tanya was lieing about the confusion over the rules to disguise the fact that she couldn't be bothered to chase a pig's bladder around a field. She did however manage to brutally maim Radek with a swift kick to the family jewels after he mocked her bagball ability.

Next up two teams fought over a greased Hobbit. I don't actually know what happened here. Aiden and Tanya could have won but Tanya was so intimidated by the possibility of offending Daelia by tieing her up that they ultimately lost to Walker and Annwyn.

Then I had both teams split into men and women. They were to build an object or structure that I could personally find a use for.
Needless to say I was very offended by their ideas. Either that or I needed a way to get out of the previously promised prize and so stormed off in dramatic fashion.



But all was not over as we all disappeared off to Doom later. Despite Tanya pleading with me not to go because it was 'scary' and 'dangerous'. Yeah we'll ignore the fact I fight Balrons and Dragons on a daily basis and worry my tits off about a few things that might try to eat my arm.
It didn't go so badly. I cunningly stashed Chips in the stable so as to avoid the inevitable horse loss. I even escaped with most of my gear and bodyparts intact!



Hurrah!

- Dart


Captain's log

31st day of the 8th month

Next time Tripps runs a market he needs to find some vendors who don't completely mug you off.
Between that deserter Amethyst and the bloody miserable dwarf I ended up forking out seven hundred crowns for a bunch of clothes for the kids and a dress and ringmail gloves for Tanya.
I lost thirty crowns at the gambling stall but won it back and quit. Pity someone else didn't manage such restraint.

After being given a "Not appley enough" pie when I asked for a "Not too appley" pie. I stopped visiting the vendors and went to watch the screaming and maiming in the corner.
That Sergeant Hoagie from Cove was busy cutting through all the Militiamen who challenged him. Madsen asked me to go in and sort him out.
After what felt like a bleeding eternity I managed to put him on his arse.
He fought pretty well considering he was hampered by the handicap known as "BeingACovianItis".



Shortly after that Tanya and I exchanged presents. She gave me a bleeding sword. What am I going to do with a sword? Well.. I suppose I could stand around and look all dignified.
Later on we went home, I cooked (fantastically as usual) but was berated by a certain cookie-monster for leaving the table to kiss her mother. "No 'sert for you daddy!" Whatever the hell "'Sert" is. I'm sure I can go without it.

- Dart

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