Bladius Dart

Captain's log

1st day of the 9th month

So last night I found myself ordering a number of crates and other objects to be delivered to the Keep for use in an exercise I hadn't really put a great deal of thought into.

Two teams. Two forts.
The teams would compete to create the best forts possible. These forts would be judged on -

• Practicality
• Defensibility
• Aesthetics

While both forts very different. Team Seamus' was aesthetically much more pleasing to the eye than Team Helmgard's. Not least because they were mostly all women.

However, Team Helmgard's fort would survive a rain shower, whereas Team Seamus' fort would probably look very pretty whilst drifting off downstream.

Both teams were tested on their meal cooking abilities. I believe this to be an essential part of any community.
The female team let themselves down here and decided to serve me fish stew.
FISH STEW.

Enough said. They lost by default.

Seamus completely embarrassed Helmgard though in a best two out of three fight to decide the entire game.
We didn't even need to go to a third fight but did regardless so Olaf could salvage some honour. Which he just about managed, avoiding defeat.



Next up Rynn DiMarco. Ex-wife of that miserable old bastard Greven came by talking about a treasure hunt.
Nothing else was doing so we followed her despite her casual mention of a pirate curse.

Once we found the location of the chest, Helmgard was eaten by said chest and possessed. He then started calling for us to follow him underground. (No doubt so he could eat us too!)

We had enough problems of our own, with numerous demons, giant ogres, big dead fellows and rather large poisonous spiders trying to eat us.

After we stole all the loot from the first chest, we went home. Rynn was not best pleased. But I decided it was better to leave with 7000 crowns worth of loot than not leave at all!



- Dart


Captain's log

2nd day of the 9th month

So after watching Aldridge's pie-eating contest and the subsequent diarrhoea fest. I decided to try out a game I'd been cunningly formulating in my mind over the past few minutes.

Basketbagball

Basketbagball would consist of four loftily perched baskets at the North, South, East and West points of a square court. Each basket would belong to a certain team.

North would belong to Team Blue (Team Royals - Isabella Walsh, Olaf Helmgard and Floria Tenne)
South would belong to Team Green (Team Green Extreme - Hoagie, Teagan and Rhoen)
East would belong to Team Red (Team Beard - John Aldridge, Alef Suller and Leo Madsen)
West would belong to Team Yellow (Team Goldfish - Radek, Aiden and Cordelia)

The aim of the game would be to bring the ball back and score in your designated basket. There would be three periods of an undisclosed (read: undecided) time limit. These three periods would also be susceptible to any number of stipulations I wished to enforce. Such as multiple basketbagballs or losing an item of clothing for every basket not scored by your team.

After having picked the teams we got straight to it.
The game was quite fast paced and physical, erupting into violence on a multitude of occasions. However, said violence was encouraged - Basketbagball is a contact sport after all.

Eventually, after a riot-like brawl in the third period I decided to re-assert my authority as Referee... and shot everyone on the court.

At the end of the game the scores were as follows:

Team Goldfish - 21
Team Royals - 18
Team Green Extreme - 16
Team Beard - 13

So a fine (if a somewhat controversial) victory for Team Goldfish - 40 copper to them.



After that I went back to the Keep. Then home to cook and play 'building' with Ben.
Tanya arrived home shortly after telling me that Carolyn "Muff-muncher" Lawrence and Leo "I only like girls with big pointy ears" Madsen had been trying to convince her that I'd been cheating.

I wouldn't mind so much but the one time in my life I've been faithful to anyone and I have someone who only shows faithfulness to her apparently unproductive beauty regime and someone who lurks around in the dark corners of Trinsic getting all hot and flustered over guardian spawn orgies, trying to cause trouble.
I have a good mind to evict the little rug-hugger and assign Madsen to guard the Bone Demon chamber in Doom in nothing more than his pants.
Then again he'd probably consider that a reward.

Still, Tanya didn't believe them and I have no intention of breaking said trust.
I do have every intention of breaking Madsen's spine, however.

- Dart


Captain's log

3rd day of the 9th month

Gotrek won the Last Man Standing competition yet again. What a surprise eh?

Turns out Trainee Bate is actually a complete numpty despite what I was previously led to believe. Maybe now Helmgard and I had a 'talk' with him, he'll calm down.
Trainee Crippen on the other hand is beyond help. That kid needs to be put in a sack and dumped in the river.



Anyway, this was just a quick entry as I promised two stories to 'Cookie-Monster' tonight. Two stories! Ugh. I wonder if I can get away with splitting one story in half and calling the second part 'a sequel'. Bets on a six year old sussing me out?

- Dart


Captain's log

4th day of the 9th month

Lou came by my office today announcing that she was taking the children away with her on holiday. When I refused she said it didn't matter as Tanya had already agreed.
After exchanging unpleasantries I demanded she leave. Tanya swung by after and after bollocking her for giving psycho-woman permission to take our children away... it turned out they hadn't spoken at all.
I was rather 'annoyed' at this point and left to confront her, trudging over to her inn room, I knocked and entered, finding our daughter.
I demanded to know where the stupid cow was but she had apparently no clue and after going for a walk and chat with her, I headed back only to be told her mother been seen heading to the docks.

Louisa was there with the children and began telling me what a terrible mother she was and how they'd be better off without her. I for some bizarre reason tried to convince her of otherwise but she decided to hand over the children permanently and leave. I'm not sure how to feel about that. While I'm glad the potential for temptation has vanished, I still want her to see Francis and Annabel. Tanya thought it was a big bonus though, so I suppose I should as well.

Later on Tanya and I went to the "Fancy Dress and Drunken Jousting" evening at The Deer. Tanya dressed up as a Waywatcher and let's just say that she will be keeping said costume and we will be getting a great deal of use from it! I on the other hand went as a 'Duchy Captain' apparently. Or that's what the costume was supposed to represent according to Tanya. I don't know Trinsican uniforms too well. All I know is thanks to those tight leathers my testicles feel like they've been squeezed about five sizes smaller and not in a good sexual way either.

Olaf began telling stories again. Listen to that collective groan? The Invasion of Moonglow this week - because we haven't heard that a thousand times. This man really needs to experience something new, if only to have new stories.

Ronnie Sharp was on fine form, even competing in the Jousting. He competed against Tanya and whilst he lost, he did so admirably. His steed went a little wild on him once or twice but then I suppose that's what happens when you put a novice rider on a warhorse. I managed to deal with his gallops across the countryside by aiming a well-placed bolt at him. The resulting momentum from said bolt sent Ronnie spiralling to the floor and subsequently almost killing him. I didn't care though - all I had to do was dump him back on the horse enough times for him to lose the best two out of three.

Navy Blue Drew won the competition again and convinced me that one day I should enter it. I could win it easily and I'm used to falling off my horse on a regular basis. Then again I'm not usually sober enough to feel the after effects.



After that Rhoen came by, saw us and tried to leave rather abruptly. We forced him to have a sit down and a drink and he grudgingly accepted. Tanya interrogated him on his love life. Seems he's still seeing Navaska's sister. Nice girl that one, very shy but nice. Rhoen's probably cheated on her over thirty times by now but still - nice girl. Seems he's seen Rose recently too, which makes him about the only person in the whole of the Dart entourage to have done that recently. He's convinced she's 'devious' as well. Shouldn't really say that about my own daughter. One day I'm going to tie that girl up. Always telling her to let me know where she's going and how long she's going for. I get answers like "Around" and "A little while".
At least her twin is somewhat easier to deal with. Both emotionally volatile though. Which bodes well for the other products of Louisa and I.

After all that I took Tanya home, made her dress back up in her costume and peeled that 'Watcher armour off her and that's where this leaves me right now, sat up in bed in the middle of the night scratching this account of today's events into an increasingly personal log.

Fantastic.

- Dart

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