Captain's log
8th day of the 9th month
So after Rusty got eaten the other week I brought Chips home. Chips is a good horse, not a very fast horse, not a very smart horse and not a very strong horse but a good horse. Although I'm wondering right at this moment why he's so
'good'... a certain child has been feeding him something that quite clearly
(as shown by the mess outside my front door) doesn't agree with his stomach. This has happened a few times since I bought the stupid creature and I'm tiring of clearing up copious amounts of dung when I get home.
Anyway - I had decided in response to this dilemma that I would seek a horse that doesn't worry about such things as
'stomach upsets'. In fact if it had a stomach upset it would probably be because it'd eaten too many people. I wanted a
'Nightmare'.
Now I know you can find Nightmares in the Lost Lands, however I doubt I could just climb aboard one of them. For a start it might y'know bite me... or set me on fire. Then I'd have to cut its legs off and it would just get very unnecessarily messy very very quickly.
So I enlisted the aid of an
'Ostard Handler'. Now I'm not really too knowledgeable on Ostards or for that matter Nightmares but I figure y'know that a Giant Chicken is pretty much on the same scale of nastiness as a Nightmare.
Giant Chickens - Obviously lay giant eggs which in the hot climate they are native to will go rotten very quickly if left out in the sun and subsequently smell really bad.
Nightmares - Barbecue people and eat their charred remains.
See? Balanced.
Now being surrounded at this moment in time by a group of flatulent children, being burned alive seems almost preferable.
However, I now know otherwise.
After fighting our way through waves of Bobas and Ophidians we clambered into the depths of the Terathan Keep. I have many fond memories of climbing out of piles of spider legs missing half of my kit from the Terathan Keep. Most of said experiences were thanks in part to the complete lack of tactical prowess of Gareth Courteux. A man who thought it was in our best interests to drag us half way across the world to throw us headlong into a nest of venomous spiders. I never thought I would be sitting here mentally comparing Courteux's blatant insanity to my own odd desire to plunge everyone into immense danger. The similarities are often times worrying. At least my missions have a purpose though.
His seemed to be:
- Deliver patrol to monster nest.
- Leave on horse when situation looks grim.
One step ahead of me, I always feel sorry for the poor cretins and don't bring a horse.
We almost lost Astendar a few times, which wouldn't have been such an incredible tragedy bearing in mind she spent the entire patrol whining about visiting a beach or Magincia. Kinda gave up on her once but she somehow found her way back, unfortunately. She managed to jinx the entire patrol once or twice by saying that she thought we were relatively safe or that things were terrible, only for things to get extremely bad within a few moments.
Now, I don't know if some crazy fool's had the idea to list known records for feats of greatness or whatever but if they had then surely we would have had to have been one of the greatest. Or maybe the stupidest for we spent possibly longer than anyone ever spent in the Terathan Keep. Not because we were busy cleansing every spot of stone but mainly due to my slightly inadequate planning. I hadn't brought a reliable map.
Well.. I say a reliable map. I was going by memory and I suppose there's only so much you can rely on the memory encased in a head that's spent its life being hit with maces and chewed on by enormous carnivorous lizards.
However - we eventually found the Nightmare lair and the
Ostard Handler now would display his complete lack of talent as he spent nigh on three decades whispering to a fire-breathing horse.
Now had I not been more concerned with not going home in a sodding urn, I would have given him a good kicking but the way I saw it - we were there because I wanted a horse and we weren't leaving until I had one who could cook me breakfast merely by coughing. So instead of assaulting the Handler, I instead preferred to keep myself alive.
Eventually after
'accidentally' killing the first two horses, the Handler managed to salvage one and we departed. Unfortunately every single creature in the Lost Lands seemed to have it in for our dear Handler, throwing magic and abuse at him in every conceivable way. Although, after what he pulled when we returned, I wish I had done the same.
Tanya seemed to go missing on the way back and while I kept an eye out for her, I couldn't see her so I relied on the fact that she has an uncanny ability to find her way out of trouble.
After we finally made it back to the moongate, having lost the majority of the patrol
(Madsen included - fire-breathing horse and Madsen dead, Avatarmass come early!) the bloody Handler pegged it off with my horse. He kept saying how much he liked it and wanted it... and then promptly left with it when I told him to deliver it to the stables in Yew.
All that for nothing! 
Got back to the Keep and we delivered the news of Madsen's death.
Lyson took it very badly. I never realised Madsen and Lyson were a couple. Although again it's in keeping with Madsen's bag. Non-humans. I think Lyson is strictly human though... supposedly. Not sure how anyone that small can be a human and not a child.
Managed to convince him that I'd stolen Madsen's sword as a trophy. We'll ignore the fact that said sword was the one bought for me at the market the other week. Lyson wanted to buy it. I wasn't sure that Tanya would be best pleased if I sold a midget her present.
Lyson should have been a grave-digger because he was extremely efficient at digging his own hole. First off he called Tanya a whore then after apologising to her he said he hadn't know she was my wife
'cause I always have "fifty girls going at the same time".
After Tanya stopped pointing her crossbow at my head. Lyson again made a foul-up and I chased him off around the countryside. I eventually got sick of his excessive use of his hefty shield and decided to belt him repeatedly with mine.
Mildly satisfying. - Dart