Bladius Dart

Captain's log

23rd day of the 9th month

Next time someone dangles the opportunity to earn one million gold for a 'simple task' in front of you, run. Run far far away.
So there we were in Umbra being kind, well-rounded individuals trying to offer help to any civilians who required it. I figured since people in Umbra are quite tough and have to deal with pretty nasty things on a regular basis that they'd make really good soldiers.
So I had the men wander around Umbra chatting to the locals.
Seems the locals didn't take too kindly to the lads and lasses though, so I decided we'd go for a walk in the countryside, however before we could leave the city limits we stumbled across a 'wrinkly' who mistook us for students of something or other. If we went and got some bloke to sign a form for us, she'd pay back our million gold tuition fees or some such.

Sod our community profile drive. Not every day that someone offers me a million gold for a signature, so off we went to Luna, found the bloke we were searching for, only to be sent off to gather:

• 5 Pixie legs
• 1 Unicorn rib
• 2 Ki-Rin brains

It wasn't going to be easy. Pixies were notoriously crafty and attempted to ambush us multiple times and the bloody Unicorns were impossible to locate since they seemed to be more concerned with wandering aimlessly rather than presenting themselves for slaughter which would have been the proper etiquette in such a situation.


After hacking our way through half of Ilshenar, we found ourselves faced with the imposing task of locating a herd of Ki-rin.
Now, I hadn't seen one of those things for a long while but I remembered the last time I had it had been in an underground cavern near the swamps.


Took us a flipping lifetime to find the place and then another lifetime to slaughter enough Ki-Rins to appropriate the right sized brains.
People were getting rather desperate at this stage, shoving one another aside in an effort to get to the brain first. It was like being around a bunch of zombies with the munchies. Rather unnerving, especially when Young started screeching "Brainsssss" at the top of his voice. Imbecile.
Finally we found enough and pegged it back to Luna, gore sloshing in our backpacks.
The bloke happily signed our forms in exchange for the 'booty' and we set off to Umbra.
Only to be told to head into 'Bedlam' to find yet another bloke.
Didn't go so well, in fact 'Cookie' got eaten by an undead horse and we were chased out by a bunch of hungry undead.
Sod that for a million gold.

- Dart


Captain's log

24th day of the 9th month

I'm thinking of taking up a career in theatre once this militia lark is done and dusted. Derwyn had us split into teams of three yesterday and told us to be 'creative' and perform something 'dramatic'.
The other team consisted of Tanya, Katrine and Verity. Tanya I know can be rather 'creative' in terms of the roleplays she asks me to act out at home. Katrine can be very creative in terms of what she whines about on a daily basis and Verity is Verity... I guess she was just there to make up the numbers.

My team on the other hand consisted of Walsh and Young. Yes... you can understand I was forced to overcome adversity from the very beginning.
Young confided in us that he had 'the creativity of a rock' and Walsh is hardly going to win any awards for her innovative storytelling abilities.
Conveniently I had more than enough creativity and acting ability to make up for these rather handicapped individuals.

The women's team's production was one of those typically yawn-worthy tales with 'an important message'. Because that's what I was most concerned with when I watched Verity stuff her tongue down my wife's throat whilst they pretended to be a married couple. No, I was more interested in how I was going to convince her to do it again.
Katrine was an elf. Not really too far from the truth. Moans and whinges enough to be guardian spawn.
Of course they made up for the complete lack of plot depth by killing off two characters (the elf and the wife) something we might also be accused of. However, the deaths of two of our major characters were an absolute necessity and the only logical conclusion to our intricate plot.

Walsh was "Daisy the Innocent Maiden", whilst Young was "Henry the Heroic".
I of course played the villain "Peter the Pilfering Pieman", since I'm much better at playing the dashing rogue than the knight with a log up his self-righteous arse.
Of course I emerged victorious (I wouldn't write the script any other way) slaying the foul hero and subsequently the fair maiden whilst making off with the pie.


Tanya seemed to take a liking to my villainous attire, despite her booing me at every possible opportunity.
She tried to seduce me in my office but I refused, the model of morality that I am.
Back on duty I noticed Wilkes limping about like a crippled beggar as per usual. I demanded he put his uniform back on. He moaned about the extent of his injuries. Idiot.
Like a broken foot would stop me.


Cox won the Last Man Standing despite almost losing to Floria on numerous occasions. He avoided a rather humiliating fate there, seems Floria's getting better, even if she moves with the grace of an obese cow.

- Dart


Captain's log

25th day of the 9th month
What a day!

Had some slapper trying to sell me a book of 'sexual positions'. Like I need a flipping textbook to assist me in the bedroom. What am I going to do if I suddenly have a massive memory lapse and forget how to 'do it' in a certain position? (As impossible as that would be) Flip open a manual for reference? Next they'll be trying to sell me a thesaurus for dirty talk. "Oh yes, you wh.. *leafs through leather bound tome* lady of the evening!"

Got guilt-tripped into accompanying Footmen Young and Brown as well as Sergeant Walsh to the bloody Orc Caves... again.
That's the last time I'm going there for at least another month.
Used my sword for the majority of our time within the caverns, surprisingly I haven't completely forgotten how to use it, even if it has been a good twenty years since I last used one actively.
Anyway - Young thought it would be funny to have us escape by running through the tunnels screaming like women.
Oddly enough Young and I escaped without issue whilst the actual women (I suppose we can just about consider Timothy male, despite evidence to the contrary) struggled to get out at all.


Tavern night was soon after and I dressed up in Peter the Pilfering Pieman attire, mainly because everyone else was dressing up like faeries.

Seems Tanya's been secretly keeping money behind the bar for me to stop my bitching about a tab.
I'm disgusted by this act of betrayal. Talk about undermining a man's principals. Of course this revelation led to her attempting to talk her way back into my good books by being sweet and playful.
Put me in a bad mood though, especially when she pushed my pie (plate and all) onto the floor.
Of course the evening degenerated into us making snide remarks about one another. The token Lou jab appeared and not being too overjoyed at having my private life announced in the tavern, I took a few cheap shots back.


We sort of made up and I made my escape upon "Munch" my most recent horse addition.
Tanya arrived home soon after in tears. Seems some phallus had been insulting her and calling her a slut or some such due to rather ancient and inaccurate Trinsic rumours. Interesting that he decided to do so after I'd left the building.
Next time I see him, he won't be seeing anything other than my fist nestled between his eye sockets and the brickwork travelling towards him at three hundred miles per hour as I launch him into the wall. Idiot.

- Dart


Captain's log

26th day of the 9th month

It's very difficult to write a witty and inspiring log when nothing particularly witty or inspiring has taken place recently.
Received a letter from Lou. Seems she'd like the children to go and stay with her for a week.
Didn't quite have the nerve to respond to it without consulting Tanya, so brought it home to her. Apparently the prospect of handing the twins over to her arch-nemesis doesn't exactly fill her with over-whelming glee. I can't blame her really. She loves her children but dear Louisa doesn't exactly inspire confidence when it comes to parenting. You only have to ask Floria to appreciate that.
That's probably harsh, Floria turned out alright. One out of five isn't a terrible ratio and when Francis isn't dumping dead fish onto Annie's bed because "they need somewhere to sleep", those two are something of a success story themselves. So I guess that'd be three out of five. Now if only Tanya hadn't practically raised Annie and Francis in Louisa's absence.


Anyway - Ran a training yesterday evening which consisted of many hideously coloured items of clothing, lots of running, lots of chasing and lots of screaming. Pretty much like my home-life in that respect. Forced Tripps to wear a dress because he was a 'loser' in 'First to Fall' despite not technically losing. Astendar would've enjoyed wearing the dress though, so it wouldn't have had the humiliating effect I was aiming for.
Cade ended up wearing a jester outfit. Probably would have been better suited to Wilkes but he wasn't there. Probably off sulking in a corner over being both injured and mentally inadequate.

The girls were the last ones left up in the "Brawl to end it all". I would have been able to enjoy it had there not been the whole issue of Floria being present. I realise I'm rather controversial but I do draw the line at incest, unlike some families in Yew.

Tanya wants to 'officially' get married, since in her eyes one rushed marriage isn't enough. I suppose I can't really put my foot down about this. She wants the children to come (since they weren't present the first time) and I assume if they're old enough to have them, their respective partners. It's times like this that I'm glad I have no siblings or parents.

- Dart

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