Angst

Angustus has sent an emissary to his brother Ptelnet, congratulating him on his well-deserved victories and informing him that he has instructed Spitames to continue to offer his help throughout the coming year.

The emissary was, usefully, accompanied by replacements for Spitames’ losses and a war-chest for the coming season.

The 1st, 2nd, and 4th divisions of the Immortals under Koribis advanced cautiously from Memphis until opposite Beni Suef; Xenoipod with the 6th division moved to Memphis.

Ptelnet arranged for supplies to be brought upstream by boat.
Meanwhile the 2nd, 21st, and 22nd Protectors moved north down the east bank of the Nile: they arrived at Beni Suef with its welcome supplies but were dismayed to learn that the west bank was held against them in some strength.

Ptelnet with Cheops’ 5th division of the Immortals, and Spitames and the New Persians followed, intending to join Koribis. They were attacked between Memphis and Beni Suef.

You may remember that the Supreme Organiser had fled redeployed from Alexandria and set about rallying the dispirited and scattered forces of the 1st (Nile) and Nile Provincial armies.

With some 3,000 armoured cavalry and perhaps 1,000 light cavalry he attacked Ptelnet and Spitames, probably under the erroneous impression that they were reserves or a supply train.

Whatever the reason, it was a poor move: scouts had warned of their approach and when they neared, Cheops and Spitames raced to attack them. A high proportion of these rabid nationalists showed a remarkable turn of speed: those that didn’t died.

It seems very likely that even though the Supreme Organiser survived, having a very fast horse, the men will desert and disperse over the winter and try to make their way back to their homes.

The 2nd, 21st, and 22nd Protectors along with the Nubian army and the West Nile Sassanid levies were stuck on the wrong side of the river. Morale, already low, plummeted.

The 2nd and 21st Protectors headed back up the valley: many deserted, particularly those from the Nile Province, the rest crossed the river on makeshift rafts and fled, to be slaughtered by vengeful Egyptians or back to their homes if they were lucky. The 22nd stayed in Beni Suef.

With so many of the Sassanid fighting men away in Nubia the Egyptians of Farafra and then Asyut had sought their revenge. Thousands of Sassanids were slaughtered or driven out, their property taken by their erstwhile serfs: others were enslaved.

With the return of the men of the Sassanid levy the fighting between Sassanid and Egyptian has become yet bloodier. It is feared that the unrest will spread to the other West Nile towns … with the exception of Rosetta and Damietta and possibly Memphis.

The 6 triremes and 12 biremes of the Sassanid New Fleet, led by admiral Glaciis, have moved from Tyre to Cairo after serving without distinction in the war against Carthage.

In Cairo scurrilous rumours circulate, presumably put about by supporters of the P&O. One rumour goes that Stephanus the Golden was not killed by minions of the P&O, but by Spitames, on the orders of Ptelnet (with a variant that it was on the orders of Angustus).

Another, juicer, rumour has it that Stephanus is the father of his 23 year old grand-daughter, the result of a liaison between Stephanus and his daughter in law, the late Clytemnestra.

The only other rumour not obviously totally fantastic has it that Stephanus is not dead but that it is he who is the Supreme Organiser, though if true it makes rumours numbers one and two too complex to contemplate!

Mustasha met with Khamoun to review the state of Nubia: Nubia city and Thebes are a bit of a mess!

He then met Khamoun and the Army and levy commanders to express his thanks and praise for their contribution to the victory, especially Khamoun, Pa'Simba, Urban Rameses and Carminagua.

With Sassanidia once again united under an Emperor, Mustasha believes it would be sensible to offer Nubian allegiance to Ptelnet, as was the arrangement in the days of Stephanus the Golden before his decline.

There being general agreement, Mustasha proposes to go to the coronation in the new year, if the Nubian situation is favourable, and there swear allegiance to Ptelnet.

Mustasha has made the Thebes ruins his winter camp, with his bodyguard and a unit from the army. He has made arrangements for the refugees to be fed and has announced his intention to rebuild the city.

Ptelnet sent messengers to seek Mustasha junior with messages of peace from the new Emperor. They informed Mustasha that Ptelnet did not intend to levy taxes in Nubia.

We hear that the redoubtable Atenatra, having left Thebes with her uncle Atankhmun, her infant son Mustasha the Youngest, and a handful of trusted guides and guards, moved to a family hunting lodge on the edge of the Nubian Desert.

The Nile Valley being over-run with P&O troops and levy, Atenatra and her companions, having rested, moved across the desert to Gemsa where a smuggler fisherman of dubious character was hired to take them to Mdina.

The fisherman put them ashore a short distance from Mdina and left hastily.
The group was arrested: they offered bribes to the guards but these were refused and Atenatra and her friends were thrown into the local jail for the night; next day they were taken to Citror, the Bey of Mdina.

Atenatra ignored the advice of her uncle and told Citror the truth. He, entranced by her romantic story, provided them with accommodation in his not very palatial palace. He said that he hoped to be allowed to provide guides and an escort to take them across the desert to Chaldea’s Great Oasis.

The loyal Citror sent a fast rider to Petra with a message for the Emperor: honest as ever he told Atankhmun that he had done so.

To the alarm of Atenatra and Atankhmun the messenger eventually returned with a detachment of Angustus’ guard commanded by Angustus’ son in law Calcaneus. Happily it transpired that he had been asked by the Emperor to accompany the travellers to the Great Oasis to ensure their safety. They have just set off.

Moloch invited Melqart to a private meal and a glass or two to discuss the future governance of Carthage and Moloch’s place in it: how could he best help?

Unfortunately Melqart, intemperate and greedy as ever, choked on a chicken bone. Happily one of Moloch’s guards with training in first aid and known for his para-military medical skills was nearby but unhappily, despite an emergency tracheotomy and the dexterous use of his dagger, Melqart perished. As he died Melqart pointed at Moloch with a gesture that all present agreed was an indication that he, Moloch, was Melqart’s chosen successor both as general and as Regent.

Moloch published a proclamation: because of this unfortunate and untimely accident he, Moloch, must perforce bow to Melqart’s last wish and take over his command.

It went without saying that Melqart, cautious, loyal, honest and a brilliant career soldier will be sorely missed.

Moloch has sent an envoy to Zaranissa to reinforce the idea that the child-emperor would be best in Moloch’s care.

We hear that Hasmarbal, commander of the Primas army, has offered his unstinting support to Moloch, his old comrade in arms., as has Zceras the ruler of Primas Province and adviser to the late lamented Elros.

The Demiliton armed forces are of course bound to back Moloch, one of their more able commanders, but it is widely rumoured that Faron, administrator of Demiliton under successive rulers, is asking to be confirmed as the ruler of the province in his own right.

With Ban’kher and Horus in Windicta with 3,000 or so men, it is not clear to what extent Faron is a free agent.

The late lamented Melqart had entered a team for the Mithrasmas Games and had intended to attend in person. When his team, already well en route for Qattara, heard of his fatal accident, they dicided to continue, confident that Moloch would have approved their dicision.

As Melqart was no longer able to ride in the famous Grannies Gnash’n’all, the team manager chose Hummer bar Melqart to ride in his place.

Hummer’s victory has not been welcomed with the warmth one might have anticipated, but A’Rrosee rejected the 19 protests which derived from his riding an unusually combative elephant instead of the more usual horse or camel.

Some protested that the elephant not only frightened the other mounts (before the start it killed two camels and a horse); but also that it failed to even attempt to jump over the jumps; this was thought unsporting “… but not illegal!” Its trumpeting was disconcerting.

Be that as it may, after the traditional end of games feasts A’Rrosee and his Sassanids dispersed into their Libyan desert homeland.

We hear that Hummer has gone with A’Rrosee as his honoured guest. Bizarrely, it seems that he suspects that the death of his father was not an accident, despite the very obvious evidence to the contrary.

Salammbo has announced the succession of Harribal as Emperor. The Empire is reinstated, under the ever watchful eye of Baal.

Salammbo has confirmed that she is Protector of the Heir, Harribal, and has announced that as soon as the weather permits she will be taking him to the Temple in Taran Scodar to ensure he is brought up in the ways of Baal.

Salammbo, unaware of the tragedy, recognised Melqart as Commander of his various forces and appointed him to govern Primas & Demiliton. She confirmed Zaranissa as the Ruler of Trias.

Salammbo has called a meeting of all Punic Generals and Admirals. To allow time for winter travel, they are to convene in Windicta in late Frostmon where they are all to swear fealty to the Emperor. War chests for pay and feed will be provided to those that are loyal.

Salammbo said that she will control the Imperial Treasury and funds.

Emissaries have been sent to Greece, Iberia, and Italy to inform the Punic and other authorities that Carthage has returned to the true path of Baal and is keen to continue with peaceful and respectful relations as long as this is reciprocated.

Zaranissa has toured Trias restoring order and the structures of good government.

It is announced that all Provincial Governors are expected to gather taxes and pay due portions to the Emperor. Baal is watching.

The mines and armouries are to be brought back under government control, as appropriate.

Local government officials throughout Carthage have been ordered to carry out a survey of their locality … any Motiphators are to be identified for purging in the Spring.
__________________________________________________ ______________

You may recollect the sad fate of Kallinikos the Ishmaelite aka Kallinikos the Geek. His one-time mentor, Petros of Damietta now offers the infamous foersom device for sale following successful trials in Damietta Bay.

It would seem that Blackbeard & Morgan, the firm of Maritime Legal Extortioners, not only engineered the death of the said Kallinikos but also recovered the designs.

We hear that Murcia has already expressed an interest, perhaps two-fold. He certainly hopes to purchase the foersom device, but also perchance hopes to get even with Blackbeard & Morgan if he can track them down.
For those who may be interested, the News of Aufield and Mithrasmas 122 and of Wapenry, Funfly, and Ete 123 refer.

Various projects are now finished:
Salamis wall upgrade and three forts on the coast.
The fortified bridge at Sevan.
High town wall and strong fort at Farafra.

Significant restlessness is reported in the following localities:
Linka, Sabratha, Tours, Montpelier, Turnu, Alansberg, Vibor, Riga, and Viski.

More serious unrest is reported in:
Dijon, Andorra, Toulouse, Thermopolae, Zagreb, Zaragozza,
Polessk, and Birzai.

Out-right revolt is not unlikely and may be imminent in:
Taganrog, Dam, Melitipol, Kherson, Marseilles, Benghazi, The Promontory, The Dry Coast, The Sands, Qattara, The Libyan Rising Desert, The Libyan Setting Desert, and Konigsberg.

Anyone wishing to quell, augment, or otherwise exploit any of the above must be (in theory) aware of the situation they wish to quell or exploit, either because they are near enough for the news to have reached them (news is assumed to travel slowly unless there is a cogent reason for it to travel quickly), or because they could realistically expect to be informed by agents, spies, or whatever, or because it is their fault.

Food shortages, military and similar set-backs, diminishing socio-political status, diminishing wealth, agitators, bad dice throws and computer errors may be amongst the causes for the above unrest.

Demetriaces’ representative to the PNC sent one of his advisers, a Chaldean, to seek Suren in New Persia: he found him in Petra. After a lengthy discussion with this emissary Suren informed Angustus that he needed to attend the Pontic National Council meeting in Alansberg: he declined Emperor Angustus’ generous offer of a detachment of Imperial Guards and took his leave, bearing his Emperor’s fraternal greetings to the Pontic Emperor(s).

Suren reached Alansberg without mishap and conferred at considerable length with Demetriaces’ emissary.

Suren presented Demetriaces’ apologies to Shalman and the PITHOff: they accorded him a warm welcome and confirmed that he is to attend as Demetriaces’ representative.

Two days before the PNC was due to start Ate and Shalman issued a joint statement indicating general agreement between them and asking the satraps for their views as to the military and political actions needed in each of their spheres of influence.

During welcoming speeches to the PNC delegates Shalman thanked them for their attendance at the wedding. He then made a point of referring to the recent troubled relationship between Galatia and the Imperium. He stressed the continuing importance of Galatia to the Empire, as a source of troops and wine [hic!], and expressed the hope that these problems were now in the past. Shalman went on to say that the past treatment of the Galatian diaspora had been unacceptable and he forcibly reminded those with responsibilities in these areas that he expected all such communities to be treated with decency and respect.

Ate, Shalman acquiescing, expressed the hope the Empire’s recent troubles can be put behind and everyone in Pontus can work together in peace and harmony. etc etc

The meeting was then opened formally … on time … by the PITHOff proposing a toast to the Pontic Empire.

The following notes were made by the Chairman Chairwoman ChairEmpress: with punctuation by Stylus.

1b. Any other business. No, you old fool, that’s later. It really would be best, but, all right; then it’s:
Minutes of the last meeting (if they can be located). Oh dear: then on to the first motion.
1c. It is confirmed that if Emperor Shalman and Empress Ate agree on any matter, their votes over-ride all others.
1d. The PITHOff wishes to know what happens in the event of a tied vote on any matter.
Ate announced that she would decide: Shalman agreed, so that was that
1e. Shalman, with Ate’s support, invited the PITHOff to step down and Polonova to take the chair.
"No dear, you don't pick it up and hit people with it, you tell them when they can speak.”
“Ouch! May I speak dear. Yes, thank you. Love you too."
Ate explained the purpose of the chair to Polonova and calm was restored.
The PITHOff was seen to be sulking; he likes being chairman.

2. Governance of the Empire. Ate and Shalman agreed on every vote as follows.
2ai. That Ate be confirmed Empress of the Pontic Empire in perpetuity regardless of position. YES.
2aii. That were Empress Ate to come out of retirement she and Emperor Shalman would rule the Empire jointly. YES.
2b. That Polonova be confirmed Empress of the Pontic Empire. YES.
2c. That Shalman be confirmed Emperor of the Pontic Empire. YES.
2d. The line of succession be confirmed as Shalman’s children (if any): Demetriaces: Demetriaces’ children (if any): Ate.
Ate’s children by Macalix, being Galatian, cannot ascend to the throne: Ate’s other children would be next in line.
Ate and Shalman voted for this, except the part about children, and ask PITHOff to define what the succession line should be for children of the current succession (Shalman, Demetriaces, Ate).
The PITHOff was still sulking and shaking his hip flask ruefully, and gave no coherent answer.
2e. That one or more of those now confirmed as Emperor be asked/begged/pretty please to rule the Pontic Empire.
Ate and Shalman voted themselves Executive Emperors and took the joint throne (“There isn’t room for all three of us”)
2f. Pontus now having two Executive Emperors, all further votes were advisory to the Emperors.

3. Recriminations and matters from the past.
Ate and Shalman cancelled all voting on matters of censure. Ate said that there had already been enough recriminations.
Except Nonobenines is to be investigated for the Royal Guard losses.
All satraps are reminded taxes should be paid in full.
Ate very warmly thanked her doting uncle for his concern, but hopes he will soon return to the valiant defence of Pontus's northern borders, she being naturally worried about her Empire's defence ("Oh, and your Empire too, dear brother")
Ate said she feels sure she can keep Shalman under control co-operate fully with Shalman and she noted with great pleasure he has already (?) apologised to her new sister Polonova.
"By the way, what's a floozy Ate?" "Err, it's a Pontic term of endearment." "Better be, or he isn't riding a horse for a while"

4. Plans for the future.
4a. That the bodyguard provided by Cambyses for Ate be reinstated. YES.
All other items were replaced by:
Philip should provide a plan for the building-up of the navies, and his plans for the next year.
Greece to be stabilised. Relations with Maharbal to be normalised.
Cambyses to assess, report and act on the dangers in the north, particularly Seg ("Want me to have a word with my Aunt?") and Gilgamesh.

The RG and Demetriaces' army to be rebuilt.

5. Any other business.
“Where’s my hip flask … no I wont shut up.”

Stylus recorded the following comments, from a variety of sources. For reasons not always clear to him, Polonova refused to include them in the official minutes so they are published herewith, perchance mangled or garbled.

Ate is not yet empress, ouch. Polonova, stop hitting him and sit down!
The PNC should not surrender its powers to an executive. Geese should not vote for Mithrasmas.

Sounds ok, though of course potentially politically paralysing. The idea of several emperors beggars belief! Multiple emperors/empresses - or multiple PNC Chairpersons, or multiple army Commanders or multiple anything in positions of decision-making - is bizarre and potentially disastrous!!! Omg, get me out of here. Does that mean Shalman? Which - the chair or throne/thrones, or both or all? This whole idea: I will vote against. One emperor, full stop!

A 2-headed hydra...no, no. Or 3-headed? *puts his three heads in his six hands* omg, Pontus has gone mad!

Cambysses bitterly resents accusations that he has abandoned his post. He has defeated every Barbarian invasion of Macedonia, including several by Sarmatians, and after years of struggle has broken the power of all the aggressors and achieved a firm peace. Other military leaders of Pontus have by way of contrast squandered men and money on unnecessary (and worse, failed) aggressive wars. If any young pup questions his honour, he will be liable to get spanked. Cambysses is a crusty old gentleman, and while susceptible to young and attractive women, he does not suffer fools of any rank gladly.

Cambyses insists on a formal enquiry as to who gave orders for his baggage to be attacked. If it is established that no such order was given by any individual, the corollary is that the civil authorities of the region are responsible for a culpable break-down in law and order and must be fined the cost of reparation.

Cambyses is of the opinion that Pontus should seek to be on friendly terms with all its neighbours and shun foreign adventures. The money saved should be spent on beefing up and proper garrisoning of critical frontier fortifications, roads, and the navy. There is no glory or benefit in losing wars
Royal Guards should not be committed to combat unless led by royalty.

Cambysses wishes it to be widely known that he believes that punishing a general for showing initiative (however mistaken) is unwise, since it inculcates a pass the buck mentality.

He the gods would destroy, they first put on a committee.
Perhaps Uncle Camby would be kind enough to find a present to send Polly to befit her new status?

A not totally welcome visitor was heard to comment:
“I suspect that Shalman, and possibly Ate after being wounded at the last battle, would agree that Macalix has killed more Galatians through the folly his own self-genocide self-defence of the Galatians than anyone else has managed in recent times.”

It has been announced that Polonova has received the “Barbarian Floozy of the Year" award from "Swords and Arrows" magazine. The downside is that she may be expected to pose in a chain mail bikini, but Ate can advise on that.

When Cambyses met Polonova, he exuded an old-world gentle charm: Polonova remained cold. Cambyses then presented her with a large bunch of (horse-edible) flowers and a top class horse dealer's voucher for an unbroken colt or filly of her choice, explaining that this is to avoid crude suspicion and because he considers that she is probably more capable of choosing and training a steed than most professionals. Polonova thanked him almost warmly.

Onlookers claim that Cambyses was wearing a steel groin protector.

The marriage of the Emperor Shalman and the Empress Polonova was preceded by a quaint Sarmatian custom, gannen doon toon: Polonova and a number of close female friends and confidants, amongst whom most notably Empress Ate ("What happened to him?” “He said ex-Empress Ate!” “Oh, well he wont do that again!”) went out for an incognito drinking bout in down-town Alansberg. They were accompanied by a number of large men in fancy garb over their armour. Sadly, by the end of the evening, only two of the large men were still with the party, and they only because the ladies were, rather optimistically, carrying them.

The PNC was preceded by the official marriage of the Emperor Shalman and the Empress Consort (“i am not going to be called that i understand galatian and i am not any sort of one of them i am the empress polonova” “Yes dear!”) Polonova of the Royal House of Sarmatia. Very large quantities of excellent wine were consumed.

When many were seriously incapacitated, the still-able-to-walk-clearly-and-talk-in-a-straight-line Empress Polonova approached the worse-for-wear PITHOff and informed him that she was attending the PNC as the duly accredited Satrap of Sarmatia.

It seems that he acquiesced because Emperor Shalman had inspected her credentials and agreed on her taking up this position. Exactly how he proposes to explain this egregious error of judgement to Cambyses is open to speculation.

Conraces, the editor of "Twerps Peerage and Monarchy" has pointed out that while Polonova is undoubtedly of Royal blood, she is descended from the previous dynasty, not that currently ruling Sarmatia and allied to Pontus. Her grandfather frequently invaded Pontic territory with rapine, slaughter and Hunnic friends, and is currently in an honourable and alcoholic happy retirement in a secure Pontic establishment.

At a party to celebrate their re-union, Macalix and Ate received their guests:
“Isn’t it wonderful, I’m with a little one.”
“He’s not that small.”
“Not me you fool, she’s pregnant!”
“Did you hear: Ate’s expecting, and Macalix isn’t the father.”
“No! Well who is? I bet it’s Shalman: he had her abducted”
“More likely that Cambyses: he’s chased her everywhere.”
“Don’t be stupid, she isn’t chaste: remember her with Kemal”
“Mmm; they never did find out who killed him, did they?”
“Shh, here’s the Emperor.”
“As I was saying, I do so admire Shalman. Oh, hello sire.”

Armour is in short supply: sellers who wish to use the open market should let me know: they could state a reserve price: if so, do not aim too low!
Grain is also in short supply and the price is expected to climb steeply when you start trying to remedy your deficits!!
Mounts: ponies are available @ 0.5 gp, horses @ 1 gp, and heavy horses @ 5 gp, mostly in the east. Buyers elsewhere must therefore be prepared to arrange transport or face significant transport costs.

It is reliably reported that when he has been crowned as Emperor of Sassanidia Ptelnet intends to relinquish his Satrapies in New Persia to concentrate on his new Empire. It is likely that Emperor Angustus will acquiesce in the following arrangements.

Ptelnet will give the Sassanian Satrapal ring to General Spitames: in view of the general’s existing commitments it is likely that the administration of the Province will fall upon Angustus and his treasurers.

Ptelnet will hand over the administration of Parthia Province, also known as Syria, to Suren. Emperor Angustus agrees contingent on his receiving his share of the taxes as previously.

This appears to be part of a local re-allocation of territories and responsibilities. Suren has asked Abraham to arrange the transfer of the Tigris Vale cities, namely Sinjar, Mosul, Arbil, and Tikrit, to Kublai. We hear that Wagnimandua expects to retain the Emirship, left to her by Brahma, as well as remaining the Bey of Tikrit, and we hear that Angustus expects to receive 30% of the taxes, as recently agreed.

Peace and quiet: the army patrols, the miners mine, and Kublai feasts with his high command.

Fibula has sent senior advisers including naval experts to Angustus’ court; they have pledged his continuing support and have discussed future options, in particular as to fleet funding and operations.

It seems that each city-state is to be self-governing with few centrally imposed laws. Perhaps the most important is that each male capable of bearing arms has been enrolled in his city-state’s militia with the obligation to train each week, the number of hours to vary with the seasons, and with age and skill. The city-states are to provide weaponry as well as bear the cost of the standing army under Drusus, but central taxes have been reduced to about one third of their previous levels.

We hear that Drusus has been training his men in the use of new weapons and tactics and that they in their turn have been training the militias.
Unusually, each unit of the regular army is led but not commanded by a “Virgo Victrix” who not only receives officers’ pay but after her 5-year service continues to receive the same sum as a life-long pension. Their exact role is as yet unclear.

Ariadne gave birth to a robust son on Hexober 15th: mother and child are thriving: Maharbal is delighted.

Demetriaces toured Gallipoli and its harbour and defences, and reviewed the new fleet. He welcomed a group of New Persian naval experts sent by Fibula to help train his fleet: his galley captains, mostly well-tried veterans, have privately indicated that they are unlikely to learn much from these trainers, most having less experience than Demetriaces’ captains.

Demetriaces and his Viking bodyguard was joined by Wolledates and his division of infantry and they have moved to Istanbul.

There Demetriaces conferred with Plagiar and supported his decision not to arm the rebel guard units. Demetriaces thence travelled via Burgos, Constanta, Ruse, and Troyan to Vidin, examining harbours and fortifications and conferring with the authorities as he went.

In Viski the Latvians showed their resentment at the billeting of 2,000 Ostragoths in their town, often violently, and by mid-Hexober the situation had deteriorated to the extent that the Ostragoths drove all adult males out of the town: the majority of their womenfolk and families left too, to find shelter as best they could in the surrounding countryside.

When their supplies were beginning to run low the Ostragoths found it increasingly difficult to find food in the surrounding countryside; the Latvians used their knowledge of the terrain to harass or even ambush foraging parties. Perhaps as many as 100 of the original 2,000 have perished.
Those left to garrison Birzai were lucky to find the harvest gathered in and this they guarded carefully but they did share it fairly with the few Latvians remaining in the town, though they also shared the women … the widows complained less than those whose husbands had survived.

The Ostragoths left in Taurage and Konigsberg got supplies by ship and they too have shared the supplies with the locals with little friction.

Despite or perhaps because of the militaro-political situation there is a moderately large migration of Latvians from the North German Plain back to their ancestral lands in Latvia.

After a great feast to celebrate the defeat of Friederich’s navies, the levies dispersed to their homes.

In Northumber Gylfi arrived at Ladoga in a fast longship and offered cash for longships delivered to Achmenia by spring, with the option of employment for delivery crews should they want it. There were some misgivings at the terms … cash on delivery … but times are hard and already longships and crews are assembling at Ladoga for the hazardous journey.

A captain Thorstein, recently returned from Bukhara, was elected as their leader despite Gylfi’s offer to lead them. Thorstein swung the votes his way when he hinted that they could join the Bukhara pirates freebooters if the terms of employment offered turned out to be as poor as they sounded.

We hear that Bjarni is so busy building and recruiting that he has not had a lot of time free to spend in the dog-house arms of his loving wife, Uliv Tyrsdottir.

The body of Arrakis the Tolosan has been found hanging from a tree in an orchard southwest of Paris. The possibility of suicide has been discounted in view of a knife-wound to his stomach and the fact that his hands were fairly firmly bound behind his back.

Which of his numerous enemies may be responsible for this outrage is as yet unclear.

It seems that Philipo failed to perish in the seas off Sicily. He, or someone claiming to be him, came ashore near Aloala with a couple of hundred fighting men. They avoided too much discussion with the Aloalan authorities and set off up the Ebro Valley.

In a bizarre accident Latticraccus, the Dux Populi of Crotone, and Marius Boscus, the Governor of Cassata and Dux Populi of Naples, were both killed when their carriages collided on the main Melfi to Crotone road. They were travelling in opposite directions and met on a bridge narrowed by repairs.

It seems that both urged their coachmen to press on expecting the other to give way. The carriages fell into the river, swollen by the recent rains, and both perished. The coachmen both survived but have been executed, just in case.

“stylus help me with this letter” “im writing to uncle seg and auntie honoria” “no you fool nobody reads or writes hunnic gruntish any longer you write the sounds using the greek letters but miss out all the vowels” “i dont know probably an edict from ghengis to save parchment the problem is the ys is a y a vowel or not” “why cant it make up its mind” “look what ive written so far ‘dr ncl sg nd nt hnr i mst tll y (it cant be a vowel there or you disappears) bt th rg n th rt whn t nd dcdd t gt prgnnt’” “well yes i wondered if it should be ‘rgy’ and ‘yrt’ and the is disappeared” “of course i should tell them why were both pregnant” “what dyou mean you were there” “pss ff then and dont wave your stylus at me


Vacancy. Applications for the post of editor of the prestigious publication "Twerps Peerage and Monarchy" are sought following the unexpected and extremely sudden death of Conraces, the previous editor.