[The news as contained in this post you can take as IC knowledge. However any posts it links to are purely OOC information, unless you happen to have a good explanation why you would know about them IC.]
This edition is brought to you by Helen Hearsay, with love and all things fluffy.
------------
Iglata Battered!
…But not yet splattered!
Iglata - the daft drow whose utterly undue obsession with VanQa earned him the custody of the otherwise useless Duchy guards - has finally been lashed good and proper. The unsavoury creature was bound to the stocks outside the jail for all to see, after which a not-so-familiar face delivered him a total of forty five lashes – a number far above the average Trinsic guardsman’s familiarity.
Apparently unsatisfied with this meagre punishment of a flogging and a lesson in basic mathematics, the crowd jeered and started yelling for the drow to be killed on the spot. The guards overseeing the punishment, however, were surprisingly quick to satisfy their growing hunger of things that make me queasy, and dragged him off to the blacksmiths. At first I, for one, thought they were going to do something imaginative like seal a closed helmet to the wretched drow’s head and allow him to wander into the machete-stowing, torch waving crowd.
Alas, imagination is not a quality that the Duchy strives for, and two hot bars were branded to his hands, resulting in much screaming and even more beaming from the relentlessly revengeful rabble.
With the self-preservation of a blind lemming, the equally disgusting drow Faeryl then wandered into town, screaming and yelling at the guards in a vain attempt to prove Iglata’s innocence, but even the Duchy guards had the sense to drag her off to jail for investigation.
It’s this sort of news - of whippings and beatings - that makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.
Sosaria goes Dress-up Daft!
Hordes follow Britain’s lead in ridiculous outfits.
It was late last night when the first of the wretched halflings came knocking on the Poste Office door with the ultimatum, ‘Trick of treat!’ stressing the ‘treat’ while patting a toffee apple menacingly against the palm of a hand. City kids, these days…
Well it seems that everybody else was having a much better time than me, from what I hear from collected reports of parties in both Stonekeep and Valoria. Our brave Yewish boys decided to host a grand festivity, where they spent much time dressing up in adorable little outfits. The winner of the cute little competition that they ran was none other than Elliot Hoskins, who had decided to dress up as Megumi, ex-Sergeant of the Guardsmen Militia. It should be noted with all due noteyness that the ex-Sergeant in question was not threatening others to vote for Hoskins in a bid to make herself seem the scariest. Cruelty and brutality are sworn strangers to the high ranking Guardsmen boys!
On the other side of the spectrum, in Valoria, the ground might as well have opened up and devoured the collected crowd of heathens. Kai, revoltingly barbaric maul knight of Kaldor, decided that it would be in good humour to dress up as a rather decadent lady, complete with swanky skirt and kinky boots. As if that weren’t enough, the barbaric scum were reported to have been visited by a large fire-breathing demon who, it turned out, was none other than another Kaldorian scumbag, Eowyn. I really do wonder sometimes whether this land of ‘Gorimdor’ they claim to come from is not in fact a very literal hell hole.
[Finally, a guest publication. Thank you for saving my poor tiresome little head from coming out with even more truly professional journalism! - H.H.] Customs and Exise in Chaos
Former Poste-Reporter causes furore in Britain
Following an in-depth and scathing report published in this week’s edition of “Ye Sosarian Slander” – Britain’s Port Authority finds itself in deep water indeed as former Morning Poste tattle-tale Molly “make-you-or-break-you” Culliton shed a bit more light on the clandestine and underhanded ways of the powers that be in the Loyalist city’s shipping offices.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ye Sosarian Slander:
“…the paper-trail leading back as far as the governing coffers of our ‘great city’ displays nothing less than a despicable display of dastardly dealings and outright piracy being practised on a daily basis by those who are supposed to be upholding the laws of the land, but evidently consider themselves to be above it. The self-lining of pockets amongst Port Authority Officials at the expense of the common hard-working sea-farers and fisherfolk of our fair oceans may be keeping the upper-crusts in jam, but it’s high tide and higher time that the public knows what side its bread is buttered! Deputy Vice Officer Boon of the British Ports Authority - a man perhaps better known for his fondness of dressing in women’s attire as well as numerous rumours of behind-doors-activities with the silver-tongued leader of a certain group of marksmen and his “nothing-wrong-with-grown-men-cuddling” Kaldorian Beau (starts with an “M” ends in an “Ordred”) faces resignation after his recent skimming of percentages being taken alarmingly higher than those specifically set out in government charters for import and export duties. Mild-mannered shipping captain Wes Roberts, currently of Trinsic found himself at the mercy of the vile Boon and his wicked Ports Authority henchmen following the transport of a shipment of cabbages. Apparently, instead of being charged at the legal rate of 8% for the vegetable shipment, there was an oh-so-frequent-these-days clerical error that led to the Captain of the Indomitable not only on the business-end of a 30% export duty, but also facing the ridiculous accusation and subsequent attempts of blackmail- that he was trading not in leafy-green-goodness but in nightshade! What next? A tax on Yewian farmers for producing potatoes the Port Authority decides are Moonfire brew? An offences-against-the-state-tax for law-abiding Vesperian publicans for selling milk during the week?…”
|
Although maverick reporter Moll may have rustled enough feathers down Britain-way to have found herself in ‘protective custody’ for two nights at His Majesty’s hospitality, interrogation and chastisement produced nothing more for British officials than more written proof than was wanted, several red-faces at Britain Docks, and this weeks resignation of Vice Officer Boon. We tracked down our former gossip-hound earlier today and asked her if she had plans to make similar investigations in any other taxes and tariffs areas, perhaps those in Vesper or Trinsic? According to Molly we can “Bet her bony behind on it!!” – Customs Officials on the take, you have been warned!!
------------
Rumour..(s)
The well known nutter, Thaur, has been making rash claims that he is responsible for the murder of trashbag Tammy of the hideous Vesper Trading Company. Much as we’d all love to hear this is true, his sanity was put into question when spotted by a truly reliable source having an in-depth conversation with none other than the senseless ‘Cecul,’ leaving him with the words, ‘You’re the only guy that understands me, Cecil.’ The poor thing…
------------
Letters to the Editor
No letters today. The ones that make up words still don't count.
------------
Adverts 
------------
Whats on? For tonight:
Halloween Party!
Europa Auction's Halloween Party! 21:45 CET
(Europa Auction House)
(And Leto's Stolen Pumpkins!)
Repairs!
Trinsic Rose Repair Hour! -7.00-8.00
(The Trinsic Rose)
Open for Business!
Guarding Spirit Tavern! -8 Onwards
(Umbra)