The Official (learntotakea) Joke Thread.

[Park Su-mi]

Knock knock?

Who's there?

Nicholas.

Nicholas who?

Nicholas GirlsShouldn'tClimbTrees.

[Dirk Faust]

I laughed.

[Park Su-mi]

One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street by the local cemetary. As he passed the gates, he heard a THUMP! in the darkness behind him. He stopped and turned to see it was a coffin, on its end, thumping from side to side, and bouncing toward him - THUMP, THUMP, THUMP.

The man, terrified for his life, turned and ran into the driving rain. Behind him, the coffin came faster - THUMP! THUMPITY, THUMP! The man turned the corner onto his street and ran through his front gate, the coffin right behind him. He dashed in his house, slammed the door shut, but the coffin just smashed its way in and chased the man upstairs. Desperate and scared to death, he bolted into the bathroom and locked the door.

The coffin banged against the door, once ... twice ... and on the third time, the door exploded as the coffin crashed its way into the bathroom. Heart pounding and desperate, the man reached out his hand and grabbed everything and anything that he could throw at the coffin. Razor blades, bathroom scales, towels... but the coffin continued banging from side to side, faster and louder. THUMP!!! THUMP!!! THUMP!!! The man screamed and reached for the last item on the shelf; a bottle of Benylin! Desperate, he threw it at the coffin...

...and the coffin stopped!

[Cal Soulshadow]

In keeping with the Halloween theme....

Q How do monsters predict their future?
A The read their horrorscope

Q Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A No, they eat the fingers separately

Q Why do witches ride broomsticks?
A Vacuum cleaners are too heavy

Q What kind of coffee to vampires drink?
A Decoffinated

Q Why can't skeletons play church music?
A They have no organs

[Cheri]

Why did the one handed man cross the road?



To get to the second hand shop!

[Taggart]

You all should get a warning for those bad jokes

[Jessica Nubtus]

Q: Why did the little girl fall off her bike?

A: Because the nasty man threw a fridge at her.

[Devlin]

A man walked into a thread

Ouch! It was an iron thread

[Inara[S-C]]

Any of you lot here hear the story about the Dyslexic Devil Worshipper?


He sold his soul to Santa

[Cerys Slowtree]

Originally Posted by Inara[S-C]

Any of you lot here hear the story about the Dyslexic Devil Worshipper?


He sold his soul to Santa

Still chuckling about this! Thank you!

Short and old one:
What is yellow and sweet and swings from tree to tree yodelling?

Tarzipan.

[Sally Buttons]

A woman walked into a pub and ordered a double entendre, so the barman gave her one

[Jessica Nubtus]

lmao Sally

[Park Su-mi]

Why did the dead baby cross the road?





Because it was stapled to the chicken.

[Marcus]

Posted this one on the Umbra boards a while ago.

What Is Politics?

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Tony Blair." Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Gordon Brown." We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "the People." We'll call the maid "the Working Class," and your baby brother we can call "the Future." Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit.

[Thaur Macil]

lol