Iljian

It was, when you thought about it, not really a lie as long as they both knew the truth and ignored it. Lying in their huge, soft bed they were both pretending to be sound asleep while at the same time pretending to believe that the other was really asleep. But they had said all that there was to be said about it and then had gone to bed and said goodnight and ?I love you? before closing their eyes and concentrating on their own thoughts. Now the silence ruled in the small house, broken only by the occasional chattering and quarrelling of a mongbat outside.

Just this one statement, a simple ?Your place has gone cold? had caused all this and shaken their little bubble of happiness. Or the fact that she had claimed his space again, after all this time. Of course they had managed to forget about it all, even though there had never been any evidence to ascertain them that it was really over. But they had been happy and busy building and furnishing their little corner of the world and eventually had just ceased to bother with such thoughts any longer. Not that they could have changed anything. They had been granted a break and had enjoyed it, but now reality had caught up with them once more and they would have to face it.

Just that it wasn?t this easy, was it? From the very first moment that realisation had dawned on him all the old memories had washed over him once more; rising like a spring flood to ruin his little island of happiness. And following in its wake, most of them even worse than fear and shame, the old emotions that had been hidden below the surface for so long. In that respect, it was as if she had never been gone. They had sat in the old spots, looked down at the eternal waves crashing against the shore and had been talking, just like they used to before. But then again, there had been differences too. Subtle, mostly. A vague feeling hiding just out of sight. Hesitations where there had been none before. Answers avoided, rather than snapped back at him and bent to fit her plans. Little oddities. But maybe those were the answer to his question. She had never replied when he had asked about the last months, the time that she had been gone. But they had seen Vierna drag her away and something must have happened in between, whatever that something might be. And she had changed, somehow. Declaring the conversation started and expecting him to start with a greeting as if they had not been talking beforehand already. Questioning him about his life with Liana. The talk about their firstborn, for which they had not even started practising and therefore made him blush to a red as deep as his uniform. And why exactly was she sad that they had no children yet??

For a moment he held his breath as Liana stirred in his arms, almost childishly afraid that she might have heard him thinking. But eventually they simply continued to pretend being asleep. At least he was not alone in it anymore. Which had been good, especially when Kaelyn had started to get fussy about it, too. Of course she had never even tried to understand or even to ask what was going on, but had declared him unfit for duty right away. Without Liana at his side he would have had a long weekend, if not a full holiday. Without pay, of course. And even with her support he had only been rescued by that strange blackmail letter. Had Kaelyn not been forced to go to Spiritwood with Orm then the talk might just as well have ended with his suspension. And even like this a message to Lady Moiraine was more than likely. Most likely she would get upset at him again and just add to his troubles. As if it was not bad enough already?

A surprise, she had said. One that he would love and Liana would hate. Whatever that should be. But it could hardly be anything good, or Liana would not hate it. But it could not mean danger for her as the drow could hardly be under the illusion that he would ever love anything that harmed Liana. But then again, he would not love anything that she hated as he would not want to see her unhappy. So how was that surprise possible at all? If it was not all just a lie to spark his curiosity and lure him closer. Nothing to do but wait till it was revealed to him?

Opening his eyes slightly, Iljian looked over to Liana, only to find her looking back at him. No matter that he was human and could not have a bond like elves, at times she just seemed to feel what he thought. Without saying anything more he snuggled closer to her and buried his face against her neck and hair. No matter how much he liked the battlements, his real spot was here now. And it was always warm and inviting?

Iljian

*... Iljian lay on the bed, the blanket pulled up over his head. The mildly unpleasant smell of his oiled armour filled the small cave; constant reminder of the world outside. He had been here for an hour at least now, desperately and foolishly hoping to wake up after all, to forget everything in the moment that his eyes opened to squint into the light of the morning sun. But he would not wake, did not dream and this was no nightmare.

A child. Of all the things he could have imagined that ?surprise? to be he would never have expected this. His blood had run cold in the very instant that he had seen the two up on the battlements, but even than had not suspected that the drow would claim her to be his daughter. Not that it was even possible. He might be inexperienced but not stupid, he had at least a vague idea on how you got to get children and they didn?t come from the eggs of a sea serpent after it was you kissing, which was a tale his grandma used to tell. Let alone what his uncle had to say about the kraken on that topic?

But he knew that he had never? done stuff with the drow, nor anybody else for that matter. So it was not possible at all. And her explanation of it being magic was just cheap. The girl wasn?t even the right age. She looked like a three year old at least, if not more. Back then he hadn?t even seen the walls of Trinsic. It was just a lie, all made up and stupid. But she had insisted, for some reason, ignoring his arguments. Somehow, she brought it down to her resembling him, not being like a ?real? drow. But even if she looked for an excuse for the child not being what she expected then she would have to see that it couldn?t be true? Why did she insist anyway? Was this just another one of her games? Another go at him, for her enjoyment or whatever reason she might have had? Had they walked off laughing after he had gone? And where had she gotten that child from? She had never mentioned anything about her. That theory of hers, that the time went faster in the underworld, really sounded made up to fit the story. But the only one he would ask that, Lady Moiraine, would question him about the child and maybe not believe him? Or blame him again?

The worst was though that he had instantly liked the little girl. And how could he have avoided it? The way she had looked at him, with large eyes full of hope and worry. In one respect the drow was right at least: the little girl did resemble him in some ways. But not in the way she thought. It was not her apparently weakened and slightly sickly condition; he had always been quite healthy, thanks to countless days and nights out on sea and spending most of his time home outside and at the sea as well. But the way she behaved, looked at him, reacted to what was said around her. The shy looks, the uncertainty in her words. With her eyes becoming wells of quiet sorrow when her mother spoke badly about her. Which had happened all the time. He knew that feeling, hated it. The burning shame when others mocked him for his lisp as if it made him stupid rather than just being a minor flaw in his talking that he had been born with. How most people would never truly forget it, turning even their nice words and friendship into pity every so often. A persisting feeling of being? faulty? compared to the others. Worth less than ?normal? people. And the poor, sweet girl had had to stand there and listen to her mother call her weak and sick and worthless compared to her sister. He hated the drow for that alone. To tell such a lovely child such mean things and to declass it against her own sister?no matter how much her mother pretended to love her, she was too much of a drow to ever really care for the girl. Ranting away about her ?perfect? twin. Iljian had heard enough of her perception of ?perfect? to have his imagination assemble a picture. Most likely another egoistic, egocentric monster. Hopefully she would at least not inherit the cruelty of her mother and aunt.

But this was the whole problem, was it not? The notion that she was his child was absurd, it simply could not be. But he liked the girl and wished he could help her. He just knew that her mother, try as she might, would never really accept her as she was. And such a fate was just too cruel in his eyes. But to help her would look like admittance that she was his daughter, which was not true. Could not be true. And people would soon start to point and whisper and call him names and think bad about him and maybe even Liana. And that was another thing? what would she say once she heard? If she had not already. He had run straight home, trying to avoid anybody he met, but the drow might have gone round to find Liana and tell her the same story. Would she believe him or the drow? But she just had to believe him, since the girl was way too old to be his. By the time she must have been born he had still been casting nets on his father?s boat. So she had to believe him, or not? But others?? Kaelyn for a start seemed ready to believe anything bad about him, Lady Moiraine would blame him again for doing it all wrong and those were only the start. The Duke disliked drow and if he thought?

Shaking his head, Iljian got up and struggled out of his armour. Only moments later he closed the door behind him, feeling the rough stones of the garden path under his bare feet and carrying a thick roll of replacement ropes on his shoulder. After a moment though he turned back and entered again, once more taking his pen. Turning the page, which held only a short ?Gone fishing.? He quickly scribbled some more lines, explaining as short as he managed what had happened and finishing with an ?I love you. Iljian?. He felt guilty for doing this, but knew that he did not have the strength just now to tell Liana everything in person. Once more closing and locking the door he ran towards the docks. He needed a break. And a deep breath. And as much emptiness as he could find?*