Kimi

Unless otherwise stated, all entries are written in both Tokuno script, then translated into common, since she is trying to master both languages.
Differences between the original and translations are indicated, but not apparently unless both languages are compared.

It is not unusual for things to confuse me. It happens often enough that I can mostly just accept it and move on with my life, unless it is something very important...
Things with Keina confuse me...
I took her to Homare-jima, to talk, in private. Within sight of Kitsune-mori, the place I was born.
Perhaps there was more to my choice than simple privacy, but I understand myself even less than I understand other people.
We spoke for some time, and in the end, I learned nothing. I am left with either beleiving that the drow (Nil'tyrr) does her no harm, or that she was able to lie convincingly to me. I pray that it is the first, but the second is not impossible.
Not long after we returned to Trinsic, fighting broke out with Vesper. There is a lot more to it, but I honestly care little for the details of why it happened.
The smell of blood filled the air, and I found myself unable to do anything but watch, as people fought and fell around me. If there was a way to be rid of these memories, I would gladly leave them behind me. They are of a different person, a youkai who has taken more lives than she could count, not the healer that now possesses them. Is that not true?
I now owe Keina an apology, if she could even stand to look at me now.
Perhaps Nil'tyrr, also. (a section of the original entry has been left untranslated - "Although I would sooner taste his blood than speak to him again").

Further down the page, along with faint blood smears, there is a single untranslated word.

Itai. (it hurts)

Kimi

The handwriting of this entry is very deliberate and precise.

My left hand has been healing well.
It still hurts, and will continue to do so for quite a few days, but it has healed enough that I am no longer forced to use my right hand for everything.
Perhaps this is the sort of acceptable sacrifice that Rak'suun was trying to teach me of. That it is Ok to remove a hand, if it is to save a life.
I was able to use the flesh from my arm to replace the burned flesh of my patient, which worked as well as I had hoped. Although it is a sign of a fool's thinking, that I did not consider the effects of removing the flesh from my own arm.
I only have three tails. There is a limit to what I can do, for now.

Vesper attacked, again, two times.
On the first, I was unable to do a thing, since I had left my yumi in the bank.
On the second time, I was able to make an attempt to protect those I care about.
Every arrow I fired missed its target, and I was given a rather painful lesson in why it is important to wear armour in a fight.
I can take some comfort that the arrow did not injure someone more important, but that comfort was limited by having an arrow a hand deep in my shoulder.
Keina was surprised to see me with a bow in my hand, although she understood why. I expected she might, since I know that she feels the same.
On returning to the shrine, I practiced more, firing arrows at trees.
It is nothing like combat.

Dottie has taken to calling me 'Okasan' (mother).
Can I really be a mother to her?
I do not remember my own mother, but either way, how can a fox be any substitute for a human?
I care for her a lot, more than I can find words for.
But I do not know it that is enough.

I have received a copy of Rak'suun's 'last will'.
It states that 75,000 gold crowns are to be given, each, to myself and Keina, in the event of his death.
I will not beleive it.
Again, I will lie to Keina.
I will tell her that I have received word from him, that he is well, and that he sends her his love.
She will hate me whether he returns or not, but I beleive in him.
He will return, and then she will not need me.

Kimi

Why does Nil'tyrr act the way he does?
Apparently, he is teaching Keina to be better, because she is 'weak' and 'stupid'.
But, it seems like he is making her into his personal servant. He reprimands her when she does something wrong, but gives no positive response when she does something right.
I think he was surprised at me. Not only that I accepted his invitation, but practised the etiquette I learned in Tokuno. Although he used my conduct as a way to put Keina down, which I could have argued was disrespectful towards me. But I think that he was making a point, with everything he did last night.
I will speak with Keina. I do not expect to have any more success than last time, but I can at least try.
I worry about Keina, she is a good child.
I really hope that I will be able to help her...

Vesper attacked the city, again.
Thankfully, Talon and Elise took Keina to safety before the fighting started.
Perhaps, the moment I have been waiting for, or dreading.
I do not think I will ever forget the feeling of standing with the soldiers, and everyone else who stood to defend the city. Nor will I forget the feeling of the Vesperians' magic, tearing through my frail human body. (a section of the original entry has been left untranslated - "I must not start on the path I am afraid to walk.").

Kimi

Rak'suun returned, today.
I am glad to see him, but I have not even had chance to say as much to him. In fact, at least in part, I have made his return a difficult one.
I was speaking with Keina in the park, when Thorien started causing trouble. He had an axe in his hands, which is something that I know he has been warned about by the guards before, and he took it upon himself to insult Keina, because she is half drow.
It is sad that, despite my appearance, I am not human, yet people continue to bully Keina because one of her parents was a drow. Idiots.
I sent Keina to fetch a guard, since I reasoned that she was in more danger from Thorien than I was, and she returned with Rak'suun. I was glad to see him, but then was not the time for such a thing.
Later, after that problem was dealt with, I returned to the park with Keina. I wanted to speak with her a little more about the night before; I wanted to explain to her how the way Nil'tyrr is treating her is wrong. In the end, I failed, and Nil'tyrr interrupted our talk. He had tried to approach us unnoticed, but I spent enough time in his presence last night that I could smell his approach. Not that he seemsed at all bothered by it.
Keina left with him, and I remained in the park for a short while, so that I would not have to be in his presence any more than necesary.
When I did leave the park, I found Keina and Claire, fighting by the west gate. Nil'tyrr seemed to be doing nothing to stop it, in fact, he seemed to be encouraging Keina.
I do not remember exactly what happened. I know that I told them to stop, at least two times, but they continued.
I do not trust anything either Claire or Nil'tyrr are involved in, to be anything but trouble, so I recovered my yumi from the Jail. On the way back out, I accidentally fired an arrow at Keina, although she did not seem to be badly hurt.
Several more times, I asked them, and told them to stop, but they continued.
Nil'tyrr said something to me, although I cannot remember what it was. But it made my blood boil.
Claire was casting spells at Keina, spells that I recognise from the times I have used them. Times when I have killed.
Perhaps I thought it through, or perhaps I didn't. Claire paused to cast another spell, and I readied an arrow, hoping to disturb her concentration, and perhaps make her stop.
I do not know what disappoints me more, the fact that I intentionally fired an arrow at a child, or that I missed.
I spoke with Rak'suun a little later. Perhaps it was for the best that there was nothing he could do, because I think that he would have treated me differently, because I am me.

Perhaps, everything will be fine.
But, I am afraid.

Kimi

I am a little confused. Brynhild tried to explain to me the differences between law and justice, but I am still not sure that I understand.
I received a warning for my attacks on Keina and Claire. Because it was an accident that I attacked Keina, and I missed Claire. I am sure that this is not to say that I can try to hurt anyone I like, just so long as I do not succeed, but that is what seems to be implied.
It does not really matter, I have seen what I am capable of doing. Even if I fight as a human, I can still be a monster.
I have learned a lesson, though, and it will not happen again. I will save my arrows for those that would bring harm to Trinsic.

Captain Kaelyn spoke with me about my joining in the defense of the city. She felt that I would be safer if I kept to healing, but I explained my reasons to her, and she accepted. Although I do not think that she was too happy about it, perhaps she shares the same concerns that I do. When I came to Trinsic, I would not hurt another living thing, intentionally. Now, the enemies of Trinsic have driven me to fight... (a section of the original entry has been left untranslated - "Since coming to Trinsic, I have made some enemies. But, I have made friends, as well. I will fight those enemies, and protect those friends, as best as I am able.")

I think that there is so much more to write about, but I am so tired.

Kimi

Nil'tyrr has shown his true colours, finally.
I was scouting the city for Vesperians, in my natural form, when Keina found me. She seemed really happy to see me, and said that she had missed me, although I had only been gone for a short while.
Then, Nil'tyrr showed up. I did not want to leave Keina, but there was no time to change back into a human form (without mentioning the pack of clothes). So I remained with Keina, and pretended to be a simple animal, which I think I pulled off quite well. I suppose this means that something good did come from the near-infestation of dogs in Trinsic.
It soon became apparently that Nil'tyrr intended to kill me, perhaps as some form of twisted lesson to Keina, I do not know. But his methods had been predictable up until now, and I was confident enough to stake my life on the fact that he would poison me, as a part of his effort to kill me.
If I had been wrong, I would have been killed in front of Keina, which would have been bad for both of us. Fortunately, I was not.
The only part I hadn't considered was that he would attack Keina, perhaps as punishment for refusing to hand her pet over to him, but the end result was mostly the same.
Keina ran to safety, which spared her further harm, and I then attacked Niltyrr, to draw his attention to me. I had hoped that Keina would remain unharmed, but there may have been some leniancy for him, because he did not know I was a citizen. Or whatever other reasons he can muster.
Then, as I had hoped, strangely, my body was filled with pain. With his poison in my veins, I ran as fast as I could for the West Gate, so that the guards there would be able to witness the effects of his attack, rather than it being simply my word against his.
Captain Kaelyn was convinced, at least to a degree, and wanted to put him in cell while she talked with Keina. He refused to go into a cell peacefully, and then resisted arrest.
He fled the city, after an incredible display of swordsmanship by Captain Kaelyn.

I am quite badly hurt, although it is not serious. When I have finished writing this, Uta-sama has offered to treat my wounds.
Then, I will sleep.
In the morning, I am sure there will be things for me to do.
I must decide whether to take up Captain Kaelyn's offer of an official position as healer in the city.
I should also find out what it is that Claire was going to "tell on me" about. I don't see how it can be worse than trying to shoot her with a yumi, but Claire makes less sense to me than most humans.

Kimi

For the past few days, I've been having trouble finding the words to write in here.
So much has been happening, and I did not know what I should make of the anger that was growing inside me.
I suppose I have done some bad deeds, although I have not been reprimanded for any of them, so I cannot be completely sure. But I think that attacking a guard, no matter how justified I may have been, is not good. Also, I threatened Hugo, although I think that I am not alone in my thoughts that he should use less poison.
Perhaps it has just been me.
The number of tails a kitsune has is an indication of their age, and ability. I was always curious of whether they would grow slowly, or just appear from nowhere. My understanding of animals and anatomy hasn't helped me figure it out, but now I have an answer to my questions.
Last night, when I went to sleep, I had three tails. When I woke up, I had four.
Although I am happy, I don't want to think that my recent behaviour has been because this was happening. But, it is nice to have mitigation for it.
I suppose this means that it was my birthday, today.

Kimi

[Not strictly a journal entry, this is written in Tokuno script without translation, on a clean part of a bloody bandage, in blood.]

[Translated]
It hurts...
It is all my fault.
I angered him, lead people to his home, and caused him troubles.
He does this because of me.
Keina sleeps, finally. She was beaten badly, her foot is burnt, and there are several deep cuts on her back. [There are several unfinished characters that have been crossed out in turn]
Strangely, I think she is the lucky one of us.
The beatings I have received are not so bad, which is only a small blessing, or not, when comparing to the beating received by Keina. By all rights, I should be by far the worst off, for causing all of this.
I have been lashed with a whip, on my back and tails, which I have come to realise are more sensitive than the rest of my body. Unfortunately [a character is crossed out, expressing the syllable 'ja'] he has also realised this, and has exploited it, by burning the end of one of my tails.
Beyond that, I have been branded two times, one time as a human would, the other as an animal.
He calls me his pet, and I answer to that.
I am deceiving him, I hope. I have learned not to trust my feelings, because I do not understand them fully, but I must do what I can to protect Keina.
I hope she gets out of this.
I am not sure I deserve the same.

[The bandage is rolled up and hidden in between two of the floor stones, and buried with dirt]

Kimi

[Written in common, on a different part of the bandage, also in blood. The writing is quite messy, almost erratic]

Why does he leave me?
Alone in this dark, cold cell.
He has done it a few times, but has always returned.
Why not now?
How does he expect me to earn his trust, or learn what it is he expects from his pet, if he keeps me locked alone in a cell?
I should persuade him to release Keina. I have pledged myself to him, so there is no reason to keep her, or waste time in harming her. Perhaps it is a worse fate for her to return to the humans, and to be without the one who always tried to look after her.
Any regrets I have pale beside the knowledge that jabbuk appreciates me more than the humans ever did. There has been pain wherever my life has lead, but here, I am wanted.

[some way from the common text is a single word in Tokuno script - "Tasukete" [translation - "Help"]]

Kimi

[Not even remotely a journal entry, instead, a little bit of writing from the hand of jabbuk]

Nil’tyrr sighed in mild annoyance and rose from the rather plain bed, opulent to most people’s standards but nothing on par with what he was accustomed to. Rubbing his temples ferociously for the aching that would not leave them be, the Drow glanced momentarily to his pet, tangled in with the covers as if she were a part of them. A peaceful, content smile adorned her lips and her body made no attempt at movement as if not even dreams made to disturb the perfect scene. A smile that almost matched hers crept across his features as he imagined keeping her that way forever, another piece of art to add to his collection …whether she had to be breathing or not to achieve that was just a minor detail, one that could be forgone in the pursuit of a masterpiece.

Reaching out to brush his fingers only lightly over her face so as not to disturb her, he took in the beautiful sight of the fresh bruises that he had so lovingly and thoughtfully put there by his own hand. He had known she would grow to see sense with time, to see the things he did for her, so patiently- teaching and moulding, ironing out the annoying glitches in her personality and actions. But even he was surprised at the passion she had taken to her new vocation in life; even his once near perfect protégée had not seen the light so quietly. Perhaps it was a trait of her nature, of her species to bend to the will of those so obviously above her with relative ease…not like the half-breed child who’s Ilythiiri side so detested to bend to another’s will, and who’s Rivvil side had grand ideas of equality, fairness and hope. But even she had fallen once his new pet was by his side to aid him in the task. Even with orders from above not to cause “permanent, disabling injuries” he had managed.

All that effort for a child, and one of her kind too; he knew there was something special about her but still …not that it was his place to demand an explanation or falter in his orders. He didn’t regret it now, however. The child came through the other side and yet again he had managed to be surprised with the ferocity at which she dispatched the tasks she was given. He had even felt a flicker of pride when she had looked up at him with those big green trusting eyes, one arm around his leg and the other holding a surgical knife, her face splattered with blood that was not her own, calling him “Ilharn” and vying for his approval like a Rivvil child trying to earn candy.

He could find a sense of contentment in this new situation he had been put in, a pet he could find enjoyment in, one that was oh so willing to learn and a protégée he could watch grow into something great despite the dirty blood of her human heritage. He could see now why The Master had such a vested interest in his ward, the blood of her paternal father made up for any weakness or falter in her human side, as long as her human side was forced out. It would be a shame to have to let them go, he pondered as she trailed his fingers through the woman’s hair, causing her to smile wider in her sleep with a murmur of content. Perhaps he shouldn’t let them go as he had originally intended after doing his job, perhaps he should keep them in his world where he was god and ruler. The master had no preference as to where the child was as long as she was learning what she needed to learn and she was alive, and surely no one would miss his pet for long…not that there was a semblance of her former meek self to miss now. He could keep them forever, teach them to be exactly what he wanted them to be and perhaps within the child’s loyalty to him he could at last find some hold over his employer and provider.

Smiling enough to show his white perfect teeth, Nil’tyrr reached for a dark robe to throw around himself, the weight of having to let them go someday was lifted from his shoulders, he could take his time now and savour every moment from hence forth.

Kimi

[Written on a loose sheet of paper, written and tucked under the pillow of her bed in the healers, in her usual style of Tokuno script and a translation. The writing looks as though the intention was more precise than the hand that wrote it.
To anyone with even a basic knowledge of the two writing styles, it will be pretty much glaringly obvious that there's more in Tokuno script than there is in common.
I've coloured the untranslated sections in red, just this once, because there's so much of it.]

It is over, finally.
So much has happened. It is strange that, in an instant, captivity can become freedom.
Although one man's instant is another man's eternity. Perhaps for most in the land, the few seconds it took to overpower Nil'tyrr lasted only that, perhaps less for some. But I remember every second, as if it lasted much longer.
I bit his throat, like an animal.
Like a monster, I tore his throat open, and left him to bleed on the floor of his home.
How is that good, or just?
So, I have probably done a good deed by killing him, he cannot harm another if he is dead. But the weight of his death is on my head, regardless of the motivations or justifications. They can praise me until their hearts are content, but I will still have to live with myself.

The shock is fading, and all I want to do is cry.
But I fear I would wake Rak'suun and Keina, so I shall hold it in, for the time being.

Uta-sama came to Trinsic looking for me, apparently.
I feel bad for making her worry, although I am glad that she came looking for me. Even as I think about it, I cannot help but smile.
A lot of people have been worried, for both Keina and myself. When I am more recovered, I will have to apologise for worrying them all.

[This part is untranslated]
Someone has bandaged my wounds while I slept. Perhaps I should be more concerned than I am, but after all I have been through, I cannot work up the will to be angry.
Not even when Gregor told me not to "get my tails in a twist" when I asked him for a quill, when all he brought me over was paper. How does someone like him get to be a healer?
I suppose they now know about the circlet on my ankle, and will want to remove it as soon as possible. I'm not sure I want it removed, and not just because of the pain it will cause.
I don't understand why, but I don't think I want to have it removed. It's not rational, and when they want to remove it, I don't think I can come up with an excuse to stop them. They will remove it, and whatever it means to me will be gone.
If it is connected to what has happened, then it is a good thing, surely. I have vague memories of receiving it, and it was not pleasant. So Why do I want to keep it?
Another question in the endless list of questions.

[And translated again]
I have promised that I will report to captain Kaelyn what has happened, although I feel that they are just more memories that would be better left behind me.

[And, the rest is not translated]
People will be sympathetic, of course, that I have been through a lot. But they will never know all of it, there are some things I do not think I can talk about, ever.
Can I even talk about most of it?
Idiot!
If I could lie to Nil'tyrr, then I can lie to Captain Kaelyn.
So, why do I tremble at the thought?

Kimi

[Not a journal entry, either. To clarify, this is set shortly after Nil'tyrr's writings (which is set after the journal entry posted before it), but before the journal entry written in the healers, back in Trinsic.
So, pretend that this is posted before the previous post, and you've got them sequentially, great success.]

Kimi rose up from the depths of slumber to find herself in a cocoon of comfort.
All around her was comforting darkness, not completely so, but enough that she could open her eyes and not have them assailed by unwelcome light. There was also warmth. It seemed like forever since she had felt it on her skin, not the prickly heat of a forge, or red-hot tongs, but the gentle heat of house kept warm against the chill outdoors.
She rolled her head over slowly, and a look of sadness crossed her face.
No amount of darkness, warmth or exquisitely soft mattresses could ever fill the emptiness left by his absence.
"Jabbuk..." she said softly to herself.
She sniffed quickly at the mattress, resisting the temptation to linger. If he had only just left, then there would be time to find him personally, even though it might irritate him. It would be better to see him angry at her than not at all, and either way, she would have time to linger on the memories aroused by his scent afterwards.
Her frown deepened. The scent of him on the mattress was too faint to be fresh, but enough to bring a smile to her lips. Ignoring the pain from her wounds, and aching muscles, she rolled over to lie where he had been. The lack of a forth tail sliding over her legs to land on the mattress with a soft thump was not lost on her, and a momentary flash of anger caused her eyes to flash a brilliant blue for the few moments it took for her to reign in her feelings.
Reaching back gently, she touched her fingers to the charred patch of skin at the bas of her spine, where her forth tail at once been. Before the human woman had cut it off in a fit of jealousy, and jabbuk had been forced to seal the wound with a branding iron, before she bled to death.
"That is why he preferred me over you, ningen," she said quietly. A smile of cruel satisfaction twisted her lips, knowing that the only way she would touch jabbuk again would be in the most fleeting of memories. Those that cared more for themselves than for jabbuk did not deserve him, and harming jabbuk's pet sealed more fates than just her own.
Rolling onto her back, she smiled at the ceiling. Now, only the child would be able to distract his attention from his pet. But most of the time, she irritated him with her childish ways, leaving him wanting to enjoy his pet more.
With a widening smile, she rolled over to face the door. Traces of the human woman's blood still stained her face and teeth, a lingering remnant of one of the ways she had managed to please him, while her thoughts wandered to how she might do so in future.

Kimi

[Written in common, on a loose sheet of paper. The handwriting seems a little erratic.]

I am tired, so very tired.
It is strangely fitting that I am chained to a bed, although that simple fact leaves me wanting nothing more than the freedom to go elsewhere.
I am a prisoner, in order to keep me free of jabbuk's influence, I am being denied freedom.
I would be in a cell, if it were not for my attempts to locate Jabbuk, within a burning building. I remember reaching as far as the front door, and then waking up in the healer's ofice with quite a few more bandages than when I left.
I even earned a lecture from Gregor, of all people, about how he respects and trusts by healing skills, but thinks I'm some way short of sane. Which means that most of the city will agree with him, for once in his career. Whatever respect I may have earned in the past is gone, witha ll the trust people may have had in me. I have thrown everything away, for the sake of someone who's probably not alive any more, and if I'm honest with myself, probably deserves that fate. But I want to be with him, still.
No one listens to what I want.
I want to find jabbuk, so they chain me to a bed and set guards watching my every movement.
I want to go outside, to see the sky and breath air that isn't thick with the stench of blood, and other things. So they tell me I should reast, and block my way.
I want to rest, and so they argue at my bedside about who should be allowed to lecture me, or interrogate me.
I want peace and quiet, so Gregor starts storming around, shouting at everybody present to get out.
I want to keep the ring on my ankle, and I wake up to find it gone. I have no idea how they managed it, I'm sure I would have noticed, even with mahi.

They haven't even fully examined me for injuries, which is a small blessing, I suppose.
There is the second brand, which I'm sure they would love to use in their arguments against jabbuk, and the remains of my forth tail.
I would almost like to tell people about the tail. Perhaps a few of them would understand enough to offer sympathy, as opposed to trying to use it to manipulate me. It might be nice to see a few people coming down from their high grounds to try and make me feel a little better.
As if any of that's going to happen.
I find myself remembering the past, when I was in Uta-sama's care.
It seemed like she was always with me, stroking the the parts of me that weren't battered and broke, just talking softly about anything.
I miss that, but the past is the past.

I almost wish I'd never come back here.

[OOC - Despite the general tone of this, I would actually like to say thanks to everyone who's done something for Kimi. It burns me inside at times like when Gwen brought in a pair of fruit baskets, I just wanted to jump up an hug her, but I was either unconcious or being lectured at the time. I do appreciate it all, it's just a shame I can't really show it IC]

Kimi

Captain Kaelyn has contacted the Knights of Virtue, about moving me to a place called Tel'mar.
Ostensibly, it is so that I be further from the place I was kidnapped from, and thus removed from anything that may remind me of what has happened. Although I travelled to [a character expressing the syllable 'ja' is crossed out] Nil'tyrr's manor voluntarily, and my body and feelings are reminder enough.
I have suspicions that there is more to it than I am being told, perhaps the idea is to remove me from Keina's presence. I am sure many of them do not trust me, even after all I have done, or perhaps because of what I have done.
Perhaps word of my feelings for Nil'tyrr have given them reason enough to mistrust me, or perhaps it is because it is becoming clear to many that I'm not human; that seems to be a good enough reason for most people to base mistrust.
Not that it really matters. I will probably take up the offer, if it is made.

Keina hates me, again, perhaps more than ever.
She threw a tantrum when she learned that I was pregnant, and now refuses to talk to me.
It troubles me that she can turn so easily away from me, after all I have done, and tried to do for her. I could write a list, as long as my tails, of the injuries I received in my efforts to protect her.
All of this, and the apparent indifference of the people who now dote over the child, almost make me wish I'd thrown the note in the moat, and gone about my life. Perhaps people would have thought less of me, but it does not seem as if they think any more of me for all I have done.
Perhaps it is selfish of me to think this way, but it seems that I have been left out of the happy ending. Everyone goes on with their lives, while I fall from one misfortune for another.
I have no idea what I am supposed to do about Faeryl, and her insistance that my children must be killed. Is there even a peaceful solution to this?

Kimi

[Written entirely in Tokuno script, without translation]

How long has it been, a few days?
A week?
A month?
Not that long, surely.
It is horrible, not knowing how much time has passed. I still do not know for certain how long we were held by Nil'tyrr. Some have said four days, others have said five.
Following that, I found myself locked in a prison of infirmity. I cannot blame the healers, or Captain Kaelyn, for wanting to keep me where I could be observed. As a healer I would certainly have done the same, although I would not have chained my patient to the bed. Perhaps it is fortunate that Captain Kaelyn is a guard, not a healer.
When I was well enough, and indeed restless enough, I was moved to Tel'mar, home of the Knights of Virtue. The intention was that I would be able to heal in mind, as well as body, if I were away from everything. A little like a naikan.
I have had a pleasant time here, there is a level of peace that just cannot be found within a city's walls, and it is almost as pleasing to look at as my homeland.

Physically, I am mostly recovered.
Certainly, I am not yet fully healed, but well enough that I'm not going to make my injuries worse by moving around, just as long as I don't push myself too hard.
I will need to use a staff to help me walk, which will doubtlessly please the guards no end.
Mentally, I am not sure.
Perhaps, I cannot judge until I am back around the things that bother me, until my thoughts and feeling are tested outside of the confines of my own mind. Anyone can say that they won't do something, in a given situation, but until they are actually in that situation, it is impossible to be sure.

I have done a lot of thinking, about a lot of things.
Perhaps, one of these days, I'll put my thoughts on the virtues onto paper. I'm sure someone in this land might be interested in reading it, but for now at least, I'll keep to something a little more relevant to myself.

A lot of my thinking has been about Nil'tyrr.
My mind seems quite preoccupied with him, almost every thought leads to thoughts of him, and trying not to think of him is entirely self-defeating.
The feelings I have for him are stronger than almost every other feeling I can remember having, and resisting them is harder than just knowing that he has done wrong. I know that better than most, I will doubtless be feeling the pain and discomfort that is a result of his wrongdoings for some time, but it is not enough.
On some level, I need to go back to him, it is as if I don't have a choice in the matter. Like I know that my body needs food, or water, there's a part of me that needs him. It doesn't matter who he is, or what he's done.
If I were to go back to him, though, I would have to leave everything behind.
The choice is a difficult one, impossible even. So I am going to stay in Trinsic, because it is where I can do most good.
Hopefully, it will not be too hard to deal with my feelings in his absence. If he returns, then we will have to see. Although it will not be so simple, since he is wanted by the guards, and so probably by about everyone allied with the duchy. I am certain that any return will not go in his favour, and by extension, not in mine, either.
I want to see him again, but I do hope he never comes back.

Things are made more confusing by the fact that I am carrying his children. I am certain of it, now.
It makes me happy, disgusted and afraid, all at the same time.
I am happy, because I am bringing life into the world. If I had nothing else in the world, then that alone would make me happier than I can find words to describe.
A very small part of me is disgusted at the things I did with him, perhaps it is all that is left of the hatred I felt for him before all this happened. These children are the product of all those things.
And, I am afraid. These are the children of Nil'tyrr, is there a place for them among people who feel such hatred towards their father?
How far will I have to go to protect my children?
All my doubts aside, I want these children. Perhaps more than I have ever wanted anything.
I have already made this clear to Faeryl, who wanted them destroyed, and I will make it clear to anyone else who feels the same.

Keina was upset when she learned that I would be having children, to the point that she wouldn't even talk to me for a few days.
I'm still not sure I understand why, but she seemed not to hate me, when I had to leave for here. By the time she came to visit, she seemed over it.
She does not call me Ilhar any more, which makes me wonder if they were related. Perhaps, if she thought of me as mother, then the arrival of more children threatened her.
Perhaps...

[There is a rough picture, done with the same brush and ink as the writing, without any distinct details. It shows a humanoid figure, and a canine of similar size. They are both lying down, the humanoid has its head resting on the canine's chest.]

That is something that will not change; I want her to be happy, and I will continued to try and make it so.
Although, I think a little caution might be in order, in future. I would rather not be imprisoned and tortured again, if I can help it.

There is more, I am sure.
But I am growing tired, if I think of any more after I have slept, then I will write more. But, for now, I think this is it.
I think I will return to Trinsic, tomorrow.
I have enjoyed the time I have spent here, but I grow lonely, and restless.
Tomorrow, I will travel to Isamu-jima, to take care of a few things, and then to Trinsic.

[Written in the common alphabet.]
Oyasumi nasai, Kimi.

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