John

John

"It was all out now." John repeated as he layed on the bed. His friends had attended to his needs and had helped the healers dress his wounds but what of the wound that ran deeper?

The day had started normally for John as he was posted at the West Gate with Miss Kaelyn. She had assigned him to patrol the Rose and he had just returned to report to her that there was no violence there.

A Kaldorian entered the west gate, still wearing his helmet. John stopped the Kaldorian and asked him to remove it so that he could identify him. The Kaldorian explained, the helmet was stuck and he would need the help of a blacksmith to remove it. John was skeptical of the man's claim but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and accompany him to the blacksmith. As they moved toward the smith's shop, they came upon Cecil. Knowing that Cecil had been with the Kaldorian Army for some time and that probably everyone knew him, John decided to get Cecil to vouch for the helmed soldier. Some time and effort was spent to explain to Cecil what it meant to vouch for someone and in the end John was still not sure if he knew what it was because the only answer John received from him was his patented "As ya say". Still uncertain of the man's identity, John continued his trek to the blacksmith shop with the Kaldorian who had now revealed his identity to be "Maul Knight Duo". When they had arrived at the blacksmith, Miss Keina, who had insisted on following them, was asked to wait outside while the man had his helm removed. Thinking the Maul Knight might undergo some pain and didn't want the girl to witness it, John assured Keina that he would be alright and she should wait outside the blacksmith shop.

As soon as Keina left the room, the helmed stranger's tone changed. "You have disrespected me and now you will feel the Wrath of Raza!" John, disappointed that he would not be able to try his unlock spell on the man's helmet, closed his spell book and assumed a battle stance similar to the one the Kaldorian had taken. The Kaldorian unleashed a blow that knocked John down. A bit dazed, John picked himself up and began running into the other room.

"Have to get time to think, time to heal." John thought in desperate panic.

IN VAS MANI the power words that John had spoken several times in the past to help others were now being spoken to keep him alive. "If only I could get him off of me I might be able to do something to him." John spoke the verbal component to bind his adversary, but the act turned out to be the last act of a desperate man, because his opponent's will was too strong and the bind failed to keep him frozen for significant amount of time for John to act.

John began coming around and found that the Kaldorian had fled the scene of their fight. Still battle weary, John's staggered out the door of the smithy. Steps unsure, he stumbled down the sandstone streets of the city of Trinsic.

"You need to go to the healers.", John heard the voice of Kaelyn say.

"He wasn't Kaldorian.", was John's confused reply.

"To the healer that's an order"

John staggered toward the healer but his vision had blurred because of the poison in his veins. He took several steps, stumbled and fell to the ground. When he awoke he was in the healers building with all of his friends around him. They seemed to be relieved that he was awake. Amoung them was the young girl, Keina. She had been here the last time he laid in the healer's bed. On that occasion, John and Kamar had been knocked out by the undead at the moongate and they had gone to the healers to recover. John had fallen asleep and dreamed of his past mistake. This mistake could not be blotted out by the scribes quill. It would be revisited everytime John fell into a vulnerable position, like some bizarre tragedy replayed through his head again and again. When these dreams took him, they also took his body. Being transported to the time and place of the incident, he would reenact it. The last time it happened, he attacked Kamar with a spell. Kamar had said something to him about it but John did not remember anything. However, knowing in his heart that this had happened,John looked to the young girl and pulled lightly on her sleeve. "Don't let me fall asleep, you remember what happened the last time." The perceptive young girl nodded in remembrance.

Despite the efforts of the young girl, John drifted off into a restless sleep. In this sleep, he began to dream. With his eyes wide open but not seeing the world that we know, John began walking out of the Healer's building. Seeing the events of his mentor's death unfold one more time John responded as if it were the first time. "I'LL KILL YOU FIRST" John shouted to his invisible adversary. It was at this time, John felt a sharp pain in his shoulder. He looked around to find everyone standing around him outside of the Healer's Building. He had no memory of the dream he had just left. "John, we will need to tie you up", he heard someone who he thought might have been Kaelyn say. Still weak from the effects of the poison, John agreed ashamed of the events that had just taken place.

John's body began to convulse violently as if it was fighting off the paralytic effect of the poison. The felinoid, Aisha shouted in panic at John's changed condition and quickly dabbed his forehead with a damp rag. After a time the convulsing stopped and John looked through blurred vision at what he thought was his dead wife Jennifer holding an apple. "Take this, it will make you feel better" she said through the smile that had won his heart. Somehow in John's confused condition he believed that if he took the apple and bit into it, he would be accepting her forgiveness for the things he had done. He believed, the apple could heal all his wounds even the deepest one, his guilt. John reached out his hand beaconing the apple to come to him but his wife only smiled as her image faded away, taking with her, her forgiveness.

Aftermath
After the healing balms had taken effect, John pretended to sleep on the healers bed until all people had left. The last to go was young Keina. If John did not know better he would have thought the perceptive young girl had known he was faking it and had made a game of waiting him out. Eventually she gave up and left, leaving John alone in the room. John sat up on his bed. He now knew with all certainty that his wife Jennifer's death was a result of his sleep walking. That the spell, he had been practicing to get through his graduation at the academy had worked while he slept and had slain his bride. Jennifer's death left John nothing except denial to keep him going. His mentor, Jordan had not realized how much John needed this denial until he had to pay the price for his ignorance with his life. Now John sat in the Healer's building, alone, with the full burden of what he had done on his shoulders. "It was all out now"....

John

The day started out well as, John and Kaelyn had attended a seminar about solving murders. With the seminar concluded, they had returned to the west gate and begun to rehash the day's teachings. Their conversation had barely reconstructed the crime scene when it was interrupted by a commotion outside the gate. The commotion was a verbal confrontation between two "not so polite" women. Apparently fate, circumstances or congruent travel routes had placed Miss Tammy and Miss Sally at Trinsic's West Gate simultaneously. Miss Kaelyn recognizing the situation was about to escolate beyond the verbal level, interposed herself between the two women. The two women, seeing that a fight between them, might also involve a Trinsic guard and possibly a night in jail, found their conflict was no longer worth it. "Those guards spoil all the fun". With the matter delayed, but far from settled, both women parted and went apparently their seperate ways.

Later in the day, a man approached Miss Kaelyn and John. Since Kaelyn was in her Duchy uniform and seemed to be in-authority, the man told her he had been kidnapped in Vesper and was seeking sanctuary within Trinsic's walls. Not having any reason to disbelieve the man and just being generally helpful, Miss Kaelyn agreed to give the man aid. The man entered the city, gratefully accepting the protection the female guard offered.

Having solved the mock murder numerous times in their conversation, Kaelyn and John decided to perform a patrol. Their trek led them to the Trinsic's popular, Keg and Anchor tavern. This pub held all the participants of the earlier events; Miss Tammy, Miss Sally and the kidnapped man. Miss Tammy claimed that the kidnapped man was a Vesperan citizen and that an accident had caused him a loss of his memory. She had locked him away to keep him from hurting himself until his memory returned. Miss Sally claimed that the man had worked closely with her husband, who she had not seen for years, and that the man was actually a citizen of Trinsic. The "kidnapped" man claimed that he knew nothing of the Vesperan barmaid Tammy and that he would not be put in jail again. With conflicting testimonies, the only thing that John and Miss Kaelyn were relatively sure of was that the man's name was Rob Blackwood.

Miss Tammy told Miss Kaelyn she had sent a runner to Vesper to notify Hanse Davion of the incident and he would be here soon enough to resolve the issue. Kaelyn just nodded and stood firm on protecting the man who obviously didn't want to go with them. As if on que, Hanse Davion did arrive and with him some of Vesper's top militia. With Kaelyn and John greatly outnumbered and with the situation going from bad to worse, Kaelyn said. "John go to the healers and get help". "That's an order." The order was confusing at best but John didn't like the way things were shaping up. As he walked not 15 steps from the tavern, he heard the scream of Miss Sally, weapon's crashing against armor and the pained groans of his comrade in arms, Miss Kaelyn. She was being overwhelmed by the superior Vesperan force.

The order, Kaelyn had given was an attempt to save him from something she knew to be eminent. Hearing the sounds coming from within the tavern, John knew that loyalty to his friend and duty to the Duchy demanded a certain response, but somehow, fear stayed his hand. He pulled out his spellbook overlooking the spells normally used in battle to find the one appropriate to this situation. With the power words spoken and John safely hidden within his invisible sheen, John wept, knowing that he would never become the self sacrificing hero that Kaelyn was. In the past he had used his incompetence as an excuse. But now that he had overcome a lot of his afflictions, and mastered some of the upper levels of his craft, he was still hiding in the face of danger, while a woman, common in appearance, got beaten in his place. He was no hero...

John

John had spent a lot of time thinking about his previous cowardice at the tavern. It was obvious to him he did not have the ability to perform heroic deeds like paladins such as Pierre but he should have at least made the attempt. Instead he had hid from the conflict in the Healer's building, like some child hiding under his bed after a nightmare.

As far as Kaelyn, she had seemed to forgive him and had not spoken of the incident since it had happened. However, because of his shame, John found it difficult being around her. He had begun making excuses to go out somewhere else and do a patrol or to talk with someone else. These excuses were primarily so he didn't have to look Kaelyn in the eye. Kaelyn, with the moot and her additional duties as the captain of the guards, had not noticed any change in his demeanor. At least John could be grateful of that. Still Kaelyn's forgiveness didn't help him sleep any better.

John had not been able to sleep for months. The guilt of his wife's and mentor's death was weighing John down and actually starting to effect his physical condition. He had told his concerned friends that the illness might be a curse and had even told Keina that he would begin an investigation to determine its source but the truth was, John had worried himself sick about the things that he had done in the past. Recently he had found some joy in his investigations with Decardo and Cutter and with it an improvement in his health. However, the incident at the tavern had brought back his old feelings of unworthiness and with it, the curse of guilt which had recently been demonstrated by paleness of his skin and the loss of his hair.

His health had been a lot better when he had been a member of Henry's Gang. The gang members never made him feel bad about the things that he did. Actually the things he did were not near as bad as the actions of a lot of the members of Henry's gang and this made him feel like he really wasn't that bad. The gang members were crude and at times uncaring but there was something about the bond they had. John missed the nights around the campfire; where they would tell rude jokes, talk about a particular barmaid, and just generally enjoy the company of other misfits. This was the only time that John knew that he could fully trust the other brigands. At any other time, he could expect them to betray him at the drop of a hat, but during those nights he really felt as if he belonged to something that cumulatively was greater than the people collected there.

When John had become a guard in Trinsic, he found people of greater virtue than he. When guards like Kaelyn demonstrated their courage, it only served to point out John's cowardice. John still preferred being able to trust the people that were around him. Trinsic gave him this kind of trust all the time not just during the time winding down around a campfire. Trinsic showed him that honor was possible and that even though it had slipped through his grasp, it was not unattainable. He would continue to try, as a daily struggle, to attain this worthiness, hopefully this would honor those people that had entrusted him with his position as a Trinsican Guard. This was the virtue he was seeking. Not an ankh, not a shrine, but an actual change within him, that was where the journey would take place.

John

The Moot had gone well this week, as people flooded into the streets of Trinsic to watch and participate in the events. John had used this opportunity to escape Kaelyn's glance. John knew the Moot wouldn't last forever but by the time the events had concluded, perhaps he would have
become at peace with his former cowardice and be able to face his new Captain.

While he was waiting to have his fortune told by local card reader Alarune Kestrel, a person approached him and asked "Aren't you one of Henry's gang?" This question made John's heart race, as he desperately tried to think of a way to answer. With his mind blank, the only answer he could come up with was, "I am not the man you knew." After all, wasn't he a new man now? Hadn't he changed? Even the guilt he felt when he looked at his Captain's face wasn't enough to make him believe that he was the same man that had helped Henry kidnap and mug people. That man was dead, hopefully for good. Although, his answer to the man had almost been a lie, John had presented it with enough conviction to convince Kaelyn and she was willing to let it go. The man, however, was not going to give up that easily. "Do you know you have a crook working for you?" He said, while turning in the direction of Kaelyn. Fortunately Kaelyn had already moved and was talking to someone else. It seemed the numerous people and activity of The Moot had saved John's past from discovery.

John sat in the chair and waited for Miss Alarune to draw out the first card. She pulled the card out of the top of the deck and placed it on the table. Although the card was upside down to him, John could see that it was a pentagram being held by a hand coming out of the clouds. The first card was the "Ace of Pentacles". Miss Alarune explained that this card meant a new beginning. That he would soon enter a new age of prosperity. She believed it might even be spiritual prosperity and that although his path might not always be rosey that it would eventually lead to a place of contentment. This encouraged John. Of all the cards that she could have drawn this is the one that John needed most. His spirit needed healing for the things that he had done. However, the card seemed too good to be true, so in partial unbelief he asked. "How can you be sure this is the future? Can't the future be changed?" Miss Alarune looked up from her meditation and said "But why should you? Why not embrace this new age?" John nodded and tried to smile, still unable to believe that his future could be that bright. John thought about the man the had questioned him earlier about Henry and said "You can't change the past can you?" Alarune's voice echoed something that John already knew to be true, "No, the past always shadows over the present, but it can not be changed." John nodded grimly and asked her to continue the card reading. Alarune nodded and turned over the second card. The second card was the "Queen of Pentacles". "This card indicates a woman; strong of character, with your interests at heart, intelligent and thoughtful, and she will be your right hand. John considered the words of the card reader, trying to decide who the Queen might be. "Have I met her already?" Miss Alarune thought for a second as if she were pulling the answer from the deep recesses of her mind and said "I think you have already met her." John took a second to consider this and eventually the thoughts led, as they always did, to his dead wife Jennifer. She had been all of the things Alarune had listed and John was having a hard time believing that anyone could replace her. Knowing that these thoughts always caused him pain, he asked her to continue his reading, so that he could think of something else. The third card placed on the table was in reversed position, which meant that it was aligned so that John could see it rightly. The third card was the Knight of Swords. Miss Alarune stated that this was a strong card and one that could mean a champion, however because of its position, it warned against being too impulsive. Since the death of his wife and his mentor, John's actions had been unsure. It was like he was a baby learning to walk again. He labored through each decision as if it were life and death, asking a lot of questions to get information that was often irrelevant to the situation. More than anything, the questions were just a ploy to delay the process and keep him from making a decision. He was getting a bit better at this but he still was not very decisive.

John had a strange need, to have all the information, to analyze things fully, to explore each choice in all of its depth. This inquisitive nature had been a comfort to him in recent days. It seemed, if he researched things, discovered their secrets, and their secrets showed that there was a meaning behind them, this gave John hope that maybe there was a reason for the unexplainable things that had happened to him. Maybe he could find sense in the madness that had been his life. And even if he was unable to find sense, the research itself offered the comfort of keeping his mind occupied. Catagorizing facts, documenting names and events, putting the information down on parchment so that it could be recalled exactly at any time in the future. This would be John's new motivation; an archive of questions and hopefully eventually answers, to be added to, edited, and even filed away when a mystery was solved. If only the filing process would work as well with his memories...