Devlin

Anna spat venomously as she was forced through the undergrowth of Vespenland. Her wrists were sealed together by a coil of wire, the metal digging cruelly into the flesh it crowned. What made her plight worse was the presence of Kiran. She just knew her nemesis was enjoying the little situation, and he had watched her hands being bound with the utmost pleasure. She retorted spitefully at the guards' attempts at justifying their actions, shrouding her own terror in black humour.



It seemed an eon before they arrived at their destination, and Anna stumbled unceremoniously into a Minocian shack. To her chagrin, Baron Samsca was already there. The hut itself was veiled in a choking gloom, brought on by the clouded spores of the mushrooms growing all over the moldy room.





Samsca was madder than she had ever dared to fear. He stood up to face her, cradling a mushroom as if it was a small white cat (although why that seemed so clichéd to Anna, she had no idea).





As if the events in that abysmal shack could not grow more eerie, the air was cut by a shrill and most unpleasant sound - Anna wished it was otherwise, but the unfamiliar rasping from Samsca's throat could only have been laughter.



He even spoke to the mushroom he cradled. It did set Anna thinking whether it was customary for elves to name every mushroom they came across. She made a mental note not to hire any elven cooks as she liked her mushroom soup nice and impersonal.



And then he made the sickening punishment apparent. The men began to board up the windows, and realization dawned on her like the morning after the night before (a night in which much grog had been consumed) – she was to be shut up with the mushrooms overnight.

The Baron explained with a tone of what could only be described as orgasmic glee, that when they returned the next day Anna would either be converted to the mushroom ways, or perish. She did not relish either prospect, but she could not see any way out of the situation. They were armed, and she was not.



As the door slammed shut behind them, she was plunged into darkness, or darkness near enough. Accompanying the sick feeling in her belly, a new well-blow-me-down waltzed pointedly in – the funi sprouting from floorboards and bedsheets were emanating with a sickly green glow, providing just enough light to remind her of her horror.

She huddled down, cradled her head in her arms, and sobbed.



That is, until some inconsiderate bastard started chopping down the door.



As the dust cleared, the hulking figure of her greatest foe stood in the doorway. She would have preferred to see the entire Yewish army, armed to the teeth and holding up placards with various Anti-Anna slogans upon them.



He raised an axe between his hands, and brought it swinging down towards her. The last thing Anna-Maria Boon would ever see was Kiran’s blank face, staring deathly hallowed (as well as half-blood princely, phoenix orderly, and fiery gobletted) into her eyes.

That is, the last thing Anna-Maria Boon would ever see, until a few seconds later when the axe came to rest gently at her feet.



She didn’t understand, but that was a bit unfair as he didn’t give her a lot of time. Bustled out the door in a frenzy of relief and fear, Anna tightened her grip on the axe he gave her each time Kiran stopped. Fearing it was all a macabre trap, she did not leave her back turned for any moment.



But as the weird journey extended, her horror turned to sheer puzzlement. Why had he saved her? Why hadn’t he killed her? What did he want?



He was as cryptic as he was cruel, and Anna could tell she wouldn’t have her answers yet.

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Devlin

The Swaggers loomed ahead, like a looming head, and all she could think of was a warm and only slightly watered-down rum. But the matter in hand was more serious, and the two of them marched indoors, turning side by side to face Ned Stark and the Captain.

Kiran pointed his crossbow straight at Stark’s face, and Anna hefted her axe. It no longer occurred to her to swing at Kiran’s body, though she might well have ended him then and there. He had saved her life, and she had shed her murderous intent.




To Anna’s relief the men soon left, though she did not doubt they would be back in force to bring them to justice.

Hasty helloes followed hasty farewells, and Kiran returned to his beloved shelf.

He had ideas of death, but Anna would not allow it. Kathryn even asked if she could help him, but Anna would not allow that either.



There was no time to lose. They had to march on the Mushroom King, and stop his insanity! Somehow his voice shook the walls of the tavern, Samsca’s awful words scurrying into their ear like ethereal earwigs.



Anna rallied the Veeties – they had no time to lose if they were to find Olk before the militia stormed the Swaggers.



They searched the town hall but to no avail. Samsca would be in only one place – The Snakehills.

Go not to the snakehills,
Lest ye care to die.



And so Anna-Maria, Rebecca, Gia, Kathryn, Delmarian of Cove and Harold the Bear set out to find the mad Baron of Vesper. Kiran neglected to join them, saying mysteriously that he had business to attend to.

The Snakehills were treacherous, and the small party had to run to make it through the twisting tunnels unscathed.


And sure enough, in the Snakehills on high, they came upon a mushroom trail, leading into Samsca’s earthen lair.





Like a figment of the Classic Tales of Vesper, the Baron sat facing away from them, perching oddly on a giant toadstool.





Not wanting her companions to lose their heads in this surrealest of holes, Anna moved quickly, addressing the crazy elf.



But he was clever, and jabbed at Anna with lies – sewing doubt in the minds of her friends.



She swallowed hard, stopped in her tracks. Did he think what he was saying was true?

Did she think what he was saying was true?

Thankfully, Harold the Bear interrupted Samsca’s accusations with a well-timed snuffle – poring hopefully over a delicious mushroom.



In a moment of doubt, Samsca pulled a crossbow from his baronial pantaloons and aimed it at Harold. Kathryn’s muffled gasp of horror was interrupted by Delmarian’s timely re-appearance (which was just as well, Anna did not want her story usurped by Kathryn).





Anna-Maria paused for a moment, watching Delmarian’s biceps as he struggled to contain the Baron. Mmmm…

Oh! But she had to make their demands made known!



And Kathryn had some serious demands of her own.



And then came the matter of the resident mushroom in the Swaggers, that Anna’s refusal to house had led to her arrest!



But her frank demand pushed the Baron over the edge. To Anna’s horror, Baron Olk Samsca, hater of magi, shot out a long finger towards her, from which a bolt of fire struck her chest.



Delmarian managed to manhandle Olk away from Anna, and the rest of them set about wreaking havoc on the pulsing village of fungus.

Harold the Bear had a field day, chomping happily at Samsca’s fungal legions, pausing only to burp occasionally. Rebecca and Gia hurled Kathryn’s firebottles at the mushrooms too, and as his friends went up in flames Samsca writhed and screamed – a mushroom fury overtaking him.





But in his madness, the Baron drew a knife and stabbed at his captor. The knife plunged into Delmarian’s leg. Several women screamed, though at least three of them were Anna.

Harold the Bear, sensing great menace, tumbled towards Olk in a great blur of brown fur (which was matted with mushrooms) and bowled him over backwards.



And so it was, that in a frenzy of movement, the Baron of Vesper was put to death by a Covian mace, a smashed bottle, and a grumpy bear. At least, the assembled companions assumed he was put to death – but it wasn’t thought necessary to check.

The Veeties reacted in different ways. Rebecca shouted in horror, Gia gave him a token shake, Kathryn fed the giant toadstool to Harold, and Anna rifled through his body. She stole his ruby signet ring, and found evidence pertaining to Kiran’s crimes – which she decided it was her duty to relieve the baron of.



Soon everyone was at it, and Kathryn got herself a nice straw hat, and the rest of the Baron’s documents. Anna thought proudly how resourceful this showed the Vesper Trading Company to be – having just killed the Baron of Vesper, they wasted little time in taking his valuables.

Then Anna thought she had best check if they had actually killed him.

It soon turned out they hadn’t.



‘Oh bugger’, she thought.

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