Bladius Dart

Captain's log

28th day of the 8th month

Having returned from my daring rescue of Corporal Vance's patrol in Blood Dungeon. I decided it was probably in the men's best interests to have some combat training. Them being done over by a few pools of blood hardly inspired me with confidence in our troops.

However, since I'd planned earlier to take them on a patrol, I was slightly unprepared. Never fear though, Dart is never flustered. The easiest thing to do was set them all against each other until I could think of something to pass the time.
A halberd-only round with three teams saw me laugh manfully with glee at the satisfying "CLANK" of halberd hitting Madsen skull.
After that was concluded I divided the men and women into two teams of incredibly balanced forces.

The Defensive Block

Sergeant Madsen
Corporal Vance
Besieger Corporal Walker

The Roaming Horde

Guard Crossarms
Rookie Besieger Fraser
Rookie Guard Dart
Rookie Guard Helmut
Footman Aldridge
Footman Foxe
Footman Tripps
Footman Suller

Oddly enough The Defensive Block easily dispatched The Roaming Horde.
May have had something to do with the ridiculously unfair restrictions I placed upon the Horde. Oh well!

After my impromtu training I stupidly allowed the men to have a drink at my expense in the tavern. All drinks under 100 crowns. Although my tab has somehow risen about 200%.
Thankfully nobody used my tab to start paying for roast dinners, in fact I'm surprised anyone ordered a roast dinner at all with Ronnie cooking them.



Tanya has apparently decided to join the Marksmen which is an interesting turn of events - today was the first day she'd even fired a bow in her life.
Still, she decided to re-open the endless dart throwing rivalry we have. I allowed her to win this round though, I generously decided it was in the best interests of her confidence to finally obtain a victory over me.
I then of course vanquished Leo Madsen just to re-assert myself as Dart Master and promptly retired as Champion of the World.

It was then that someone had the idea of settling/capturing the bridgeless island bang smack in the middle of Vesper... and so an adventure began.

- Dart


Captain's log

29th day of the 8th month

So there I was minding my own business when I find myself flung into some strategy game devised by the cunning mind of Annwyn Brown.
She tells me to stand on a square of cloth and decide what city I want to be.
I'm tempted to say 'Yew' but y'know since I need to be impartial and stuff and at the end of the day we're loyal to the King, I figure I'll defend Britain from the rest of Britannia. My tactics won't be all-out hostility as I am going to mediate between the others - putting down unrest where I can.

That plan fails miserably as it soon becomes apparent that everyone wants a piece of each other and some fools even go so far as to besiege the capital city!
The sieges always end abruptly as the overpowering might of the British Royal Army crushes Moonglow, Skara Brae and even Yew.

Britain eventually beats its three smaller rivals into submission, never having incurred a loss. A sad day for Britannia indeed as it was never my wish to come into combat with my once loyal subjects.



Later an hour or so before the Medal Ceremony I lead the men and women to Cove to partake in a 'Capture the Flag' style game.
I inform the men that should we in any way lose Alef Suller will be flogged.
I think the message is easily understood.
We approach Cove and there's some pikey savage there spouting off about 'Yewish Banken'. He attacks me, pounding away with his crude, savage axe at my plate armour. Unable to comprehend through his inferior savage intellect that he's not going to make much progress, especially when the men leap at him, halberds 'thwacking'.

We pick teams and Madsen thinks it's hilarious to pick me THIRD! THIRD I ask you!? Where does the little impotent bastard get off picking me third? Regardless. I of course pretty much single-handedly orchestrate a 3-0 victory for the Red Team.



Next up is the Medal Ceremony. Everyone takes practically a life-time to organise themselves. I'm quite impressed by the Waywatcher turnout and mortified by the Besieger and Ironarm turnout.
In fact the turnout overall was pretty abysmal, despite all our new recruits we barely managed to muster 17 rank and file guardsmen. Fools.



The men have a short break but I quickly drag them back on duty for my excuse to go batter savages.

We're apparently going to search for Hiroko Tanaka but anyone who knows me would know that I neither care about a silly Easterner Besieger nor do I have any intention of actually wasting my time looking for her. Still - If she's anywhere she's probably in Tokuno being Tokunese.
We head to Tokuno and 'Homare-Jima' or whatever.
Along the road we meet a bunch of laughing idiots who far from being yellow are actually red. I'm so stunned by their laughter that I occasionaly lose focus and stand still like a lemon. However, I notice everyone else doing the same thing so I kindly ignore that one and drag the men along the path to the cave I seek to enter and find Tanaka.

The cave is filled to the brim with these cackling psychopaths but we carry on and despite it taking nearly three hours to make it through the cave, we finally discover what we've been looking for... nothing.
Yes - nothing. I dragged everyone through a cave of incredibly dangerous beasties for no apparent reason other than for the hell of it. So? Everyone else does it!



After all is said and down we return home to patch up our armour and replenish supplies.

I've stupidly scheduled an afternoon event for today. As if I don't have enough paperwork as it is!

- Dart


Captain's log

30th day of the 8th month

Woke up this morning with some bizarre urge to wander around like a plank planting banners and recruitment pamphlets at every major location I could think of.

So I did -


There... wasn't that fascinating?

After that I prepared for my afternoon of games designed to keep our minions stimulated.
I began with a relay race, however the concept of a relay race and even a race itself seemed somewhat too complicated for the simple minds of the regular ranks so I moved onto a game of 'Captain says'. Despite abusing the game so that I could humiliate everyone involved, I grew tired of having the fools suck their big toenails and continued onto a game of Bulldog.

If Walker could knock down everybody within a minute and a half he would win a prize.
Somehow he beat everybody with about 4 seconds remaining and claimed his prize - a bottle of Dwarven Ale.

Now we would try our hands at Bagball. This was something of a whitewash, as certain individuals who shall remain unnamed (Tanya) didn't quite grasp the rules. Despite it being something of a tradition in my house.

Hell, even my youngest son knows the basic concepts of bagball and he can barely walk. I'm still quite convinced Tanya was lieing about the confusion over the rules to disguise the fact that she couldn't be bothered to chase a pig's bladder around a field. She did however manage to brutally maim Radek with a swift kick to the family jewels after he mocked her bagball ability.

Next up two teams fought over a greased Hobbit. I don't actually know what happened here. Aiden and Tanya could have won but Tanya was so intimidated by the possibility of offending Daelia by tieing her up that they ultimately lost to Walker and Annwyn.

Then I had both teams split into men and women. They were to build an object or structure that I could personally find a use for.
Needless to say I was very offended by their ideas. Either that or I needed a way to get out of the previously promised prize and so stormed off in dramatic fashion.



But all was not over as we all disappeared off to Doom later. Despite Tanya pleading with me not to go because it was 'scary' and 'dangerous'. Yeah we'll ignore the fact I fight Balrons and Dragons on a daily basis and worry my tits off about a few things that might try to eat my arm.
It didn't go so badly. I cunningly stashed Chips in the stable so as to avoid the inevitable horse loss. I even escaped with most of my gear and bodyparts intact!



Hurrah!

- Dart


Captain's log

31st day of the 8th month

Next time Tripps runs a market he needs to find some vendors who don't completely mug you off.
Between that deserter Amethyst and the bloody miserable dwarf I ended up forking out seven hundred crowns for a bunch of clothes for the kids and a dress and ringmail gloves for Tanya.
I lost thirty crowns at the gambling stall but won it back and quit. Pity someone else didn't manage such restraint.

After being given a "Not appley enough" pie when I asked for a "Not too appley" pie. I stopped visiting the vendors and went to watch the screaming and maiming in the corner.
That Sergeant Hoagie from Cove was busy cutting through all the Militiamen who challenged him. Madsen asked me to go in and sort him out.
After what felt like a bleeding eternity I managed to put him on his arse.
He fought pretty well considering he was hampered by the handicap known as "BeingACovianItis".



Shortly after that Tanya and I exchanged presents. She gave me a bleeding sword. What am I going to do with a sword? Well.. I suppose I could stand around and look all dignified.
Later on we went home, I cooked (fantastically as usual) but was berated by a certain cookie-monster for leaving the table to kiss her mother. "No 'sert for you daddy!" Whatever the hell "'Sert" is. I'm sure I can go without it.

- Dart

__________________

Bladius Dart

Captain's log

1st day of the 9th month

So last night I found myself ordering a number of crates and other objects to be delivered to the Keep for use in an exercise I hadn't really put a great deal of thought into.

Two teams. Two forts.
The teams would compete to create the best forts possible. These forts would be judged on -

• Practicality
• Defensibility
• Aesthetics

While both forts very different. Team Seamus' was aesthetically much more pleasing to the eye than Team Helmgard's. Not least because they were mostly all women.

However, Team Helmgard's fort would survive a rain shower, whereas Team Seamus' fort would probably look very pretty whilst drifting off downstream.

Both teams were tested on their meal cooking abilities. I believe this to be an essential part of any community.
The female team let themselves down here and decided to serve me fish stew.
FISH STEW.

Enough said. They lost by default.

Seamus completely embarrassed Helmgard though in a best two out of three fight to decide the entire game.
We didn't even need to go to a third fight but did regardless so Olaf could salvage some honour. Which he just about managed, avoiding defeat.



Next up Rynn DiMarco. Ex-wife of that miserable old bastard Greven came by talking about a treasure hunt.
Nothing else was doing so we followed her despite her casual mention of a pirate curse.

Once we found the location of the chest, Helmgard was eaten by said chest and possessed. He then started calling for us to follow him underground. (No doubt so he could eat us too!)

We had enough problems of our own, with numerous demons, giant ogres, big dead fellows and rather large poisonous spiders trying to eat us.

After we stole all the loot from the first chest, we went home. Rynn was not best pleased. But I decided it was better to leave with 7000 crowns worth of loot than not leave at all!



- Dart


Captain's log

2nd day of the 9th month

So after watching Aldridge's pie-eating contest and the subsequent diarrhoea fest. I decided to try out a game I'd been cunningly formulating in my mind over the past few minutes.

Basketbagball

Basketbagball would consist of four loftily perched baskets at the North, South, East and West points of a square court. Each basket would belong to a certain team.

North would belong to Team Blue (Team Royals - Isabella Walsh, Olaf Helmgard and Floria Tenne)
South would belong to Team Green (Team Green Extreme - Hoagie, Teagan and Rhoen)
East would belong to Team Red (Team Beard - John Aldridge, Alef Suller and Leo Madsen)
West would belong to Team Yellow (Team Goldfish - Radek, Aiden and Cordelia)

The aim of the game would be to bring the ball back and score in your designated basket. There would be three periods of an undisclosed (read: undecided) time limit. These three periods would also be susceptible to any number of stipulations I wished to enforce. Such as multiple basketbagballs or losing an item of clothing for every basket not scored by your team.

After having picked the teams we got straight to it.
The game was quite fast paced and physical, erupting into violence on a multitude of occasions. However, said violence was encouraged - Basketbagball is a contact sport after all.

Eventually, after a riot-like brawl in the third period I decided to re-assert my authority as Referee... and shot everyone on the court.

At the end of the game the scores were as follows:

Team Goldfish - 21
Team Royals - 18
Team Green Extreme - 16
Team Beard - 13

So a fine (if a somewhat controversial) victory for Team Goldfish - 40 copper to them.



After that I went back to the Keep. Then home to cook and play 'building' with Ben.
Tanya arrived home shortly after telling me that Carolyn "Muff-muncher" Lawrence and Leo "I only like girls with big pointy ears" Madsen had been trying to convince her that I'd been cheating.

I wouldn't mind so much but the one time in my life I've been faithful to anyone and I have someone who only shows faithfulness to her apparently unproductive beauty regime and someone who lurks around in the dark corners of Trinsic getting all hot and flustered over guardian spawn orgies, trying to cause trouble.
I have a good mind to evict the little rug-hugger and assign Madsen to guard the Bone Demon chamber in Doom in nothing more than his pants.
Then again he'd probably consider that a reward.

Still, Tanya didn't believe them and I have no intention of breaking said trust.
I do have every intention of breaking Madsen's spine, however.

- Dart


Captain's log

3rd day of the 9th month

Gotrek won the Last Man Standing competition yet again. What a surprise eh?

Turns out Trainee Bate is actually a complete numpty despite what I was previously led to believe. Maybe now Helmgard and I had a 'talk' with him, he'll calm down.
Trainee Crippen on the other hand is beyond help. That kid needs to be put in a sack and dumped in the river.



Anyway, this was just a quick entry as I promised two stories to 'Cookie-Monster' tonight. Two stories! Ugh. I wonder if I can get away with splitting one story in half and calling the second part 'a sequel'. Bets on a six year old sussing me out?

- Dart


Captain's log

4th day of the 9th month

Lou came by my office today announcing that she was taking the children away with her on holiday. When I refused she said it didn't matter as Tanya had already agreed.
After exchanging unpleasantries I demanded she leave. Tanya swung by after and after bollocking her for giving psycho-woman permission to take our children away... it turned out they hadn't spoken at all.
I was rather 'annoyed' at this point and left to confront her, trudging over to her inn room, I knocked and entered, finding our daughter.
I demanded to know where the stupid cow was but she had apparently no clue and after going for a walk and chat with her, I headed back only to be told her mother been seen heading to the docks.

Louisa was there with the children and began telling me what a terrible mother she was and how they'd be better off without her. I for some bizarre reason tried to convince her of otherwise but she decided to hand over the children permanently and leave. I'm not sure how to feel about that. While I'm glad the potential for temptation has vanished, I still want her to see Francis and Annabel. Tanya thought it was a big bonus though, so I suppose I should as well.

Later on Tanya and I went to the "Fancy Dress and Drunken Jousting" evening at The Deer. Tanya dressed up as a Waywatcher and let's just say that she will be keeping said costume and we will be getting a great deal of use from it! I on the other hand went as a 'Duchy Captain' apparently. Or that's what the costume was supposed to represent according to Tanya. I don't know Trinsican uniforms too well. All I know is thanks to those tight leathers my testicles feel like they've been squeezed about five sizes smaller and not in a good sexual way either.

Olaf began telling stories again. Listen to that collective groan? The Invasion of Moonglow this week - because we haven't heard that a thousand times. This man really needs to experience something new, if only to have new stories.

Ronnie Sharp was on fine form, even competing in the Jousting. He competed against Tanya and whilst he lost, he did so admirably. His steed went a little wild on him once or twice but then I suppose that's what happens when you put a novice rider on a warhorse. I managed to deal with his gallops across the countryside by aiming a well-placed bolt at him. The resulting momentum from said bolt sent Ronnie spiralling to the floor and subsequently almost killing him. I didn't care though - all I had to do was dump him back on the horse enough times for him to lose the best two out of three.

Navy Blue Drew won the competition again and convinced me that one day I should enter it. I could win it easily and I'm used to falling off my horse on a regular basis. Then again I'm not usually sober enough to feel the after effects.



After that Rhoen came by, saw us and tried to leave rather abruptly. We forced him to have a sit down and a drink and he grudgingly accepted. Tanya interrogated him on his love life. Seems he's still seeing Navaska's sister. Nice girl that one, very shy but nice. Rhoen's probably cheated on her over thirty times by now but still - nice girl. Seems he's seen Rose recently too, which makes him about the only person in the whole of the Dart entourage to have done that recently. He's convinced she's 'devious' as well. Shouldn't really say that about my own daughter. One day I'm going to tie that girl up. Always telling her to let me know where she's going and how long she's going for. I get answers like "Around" and "A little while".
At least her twin is somewhat easier to deal with. Both emotionally volatile though. Which bodes well for the other products of Louisa and I.

After all that I took Tanya home, made her dress back up in her costume and peeled that 'Watcher armour off her and that's where this leaves me right now, sat up in bed in the middle of the night scratching this account of today's events into an increasingly personal log.

Fantastic.

- Dart

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Bladius Dart

Captain's log

5th day of the 9th month

So yesterday evening Cove were invited to attend a Guardsman Games Evening I was hosting in Stonekeep.
I wasn't quite expecting such a dramatically large turnout, not that I was complaining - it just made my planned games rather difficult to implement.

We began properly with my first team-based attempt at 'The Gauntlet'.
I say 'first' I also mean probably my 'last'.
Apparently the rules were too complex for the simplistic minds of the men and women attending and after allowing both teams to whitewash one another, I called it quits and moved on.


Now we would try a team-based version of 'Survivor' or 'The Streak'.
Team leaders would send in combatants to fight one another as soon as their own member fell. There should be no restbreaks, the key to defeating the tougher fighters in this environment was to never let up.
Unfortunately it seemed Hoagie Grayner was more than a match for most of the opposing team and it required the sacrifice of nearly half of the team to down him. By the time he was felled Salick's team had barely anyone left. Wilkes' team was victorious that time.

Next up we would change the rules a little, allowing both teams to send in up to three men at a time with various stipulations attached.
Mela Arkay and Grayner would lead the teams this time around, with Arkay's team emerging victorious in a hard-fought battle.
Still, I had planned to play 'Yewish Bulldog' and with so many competitors I felt it was the perfect opportunity.
Eventually Verity Sands won, rather surprisingly. Hardly the most athletic guardsman in the Militia now is she? Verity seems to have a habit of winning things though. I remember she managed that streak of 10 or 11 once upon a time.
Anyway - We would try 'Denial of Death'.
Sets of three would run with the rest of the assembled guardsmen and Covians chasing them like rabid dogs. Most of the men showed a bit of spirit and avoided doom for a brief while but inevitably they all fell. Eventually I got bored of watching the men chase Katrine Astendar around and shot her a few times. Which was vaguely satisfying based on the fact that she'd been whinging (as Kat always does) all evening.

A 'Last Man Standing' would conclude the evening's events, by then most people had sodded off so the Last Man would in theory be over rather quickly. Wrong.

Tanya, Cordelia, Verity, Elizabeth and Lance fought valiantly against the Covian hordes for as long as possible but with Tanya bravely ducking out to save her own skin and all but Verity being felled it seemed to suggest Cove would emerge the victors. Lance wasn't quite aware of the fact that he works for Yew now and started attacking Verity, then attacked a Barmaid. So I fired a bolt at his head from point-blank range... well two of them. Hopefully said bolts will deter him from future violence towards civilians.



Despite Verity fighting three Covians she managed to weasel her way into the final two against none other than Sergeant Hoagie... and then won.
I think it was more down to a complete fluke than actual skill but I'd stopped caring. I called an end to proceedings only to be accosted by Trainee Cordelia Cade asking if she could give me her 'wool'. At first I thought she was being dirty but it soon dawned upon me that she actually wanted me to take her grubby sheep wool.

I'm pretty sure there was a memo about looking after any wool handed in but I couldn't remember for what purpose, so I dragged it off to the Workshop to try and fathom how to turn it into cloth and then bandages.
I hadn't done this since I was a Trainee and even then most of my bandage orders were completed by me running around for about half an hour and then returning with fifty from my own supply.

Tanya came by to mock my yarn spinning abilities, so I roped her into helping me and together we managed a substantial sum of bandages. Which wasn't quite what I'd envisaged doing in my spare time.

Bah!

- Dart

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Bladius Dart

Captain's log

6th day of the 9th month

Cove were apparently coming to Yew yesterday evening (now there's a bloody change) so as the guardsmen milled around I took it upon myself to promote Footman Cox to Rookie, since he'd completed his quest but a certain male Sergeant who shall remain nameless has been slacking.

Cove turned up shortly after and we all stood in a line up whilst Caden had a chin-wag with their commanding officer.
Seems they'd discovered a gorget belonging to Lord Rothermere.
I was asked to fill in details on Rothermere, details I had few of.
All I remember was shortly before the Guy D'Mirio nonsense, Rothermere was in Stonekeep looking rather frail and bedraggled whilst on an official visit during our medal ceremony. He needed help onto his horse when he was leaving, I obliged and escorted him over the barrel path where if I remember correctly he told me he could carry on from there. That was the last I saw of him and he apparently died a few weeks after.
They found the gorget in a Jukan horde or something. Why would the Juka have Rothermere's gorget?

Anyway - After that we all went up to the Citadel roof where the Militia and Cove were hitting one another. Everytime a Yewman wandered into the arena all the Covians set upon him. Even had it happen to myself. Managed to maim a few of them whilst it happened, mind.



Today I've been busy devising a new game to play, however it's not exactly coming along in leaps and bounds.
I also spent about ten minutes debating with myself this morning before I left the house whether I should leave my bows behind and pick up a sword or two. You can bet the time I forget the bows I'll need them and I certainly can't carry a bunch of maces, swords, bows and ammunition. I'll be weighed down like Walker after lunch.

- Dart

__________________

Bladius Dart

Captain's log

7th day of the 9th month

Since I seem to find myself constantly roped into children's playground games by the kids, I decided to rip-off a couple of them to keep both the guardsmen and myself entertained.

Stolen from the popular 'Duck Duck Goose' we began playing the rather more violent 'Horse Horse Llama'. The game was quite successful, with everyone having a go and seemingly enjoying themselves to some degree. Basically the premise was the same as 'Duck Duck Goose' but instead involved battering the runner as opposed to beating them in a race.
Comedic moments included Timothy Young getting continually floored every time he was 'IT' and Alexander Fraser tripping over Tanya's spear a mere three foot from his target space, giving Tanya ample time to maim him and re-claim her spot.

We then tried 'Stuck in the Mud' which didn't quite go so well as certain nameless individuals failed to grasp the basic concepts of the game and still either ran around while frozen, or in the case of those who were 'IT' battered the ones who were frozen instead of leaving them be.
I did find an excuse to shoot Karne however, admittedly it was after he knocked down Aldridge somewhat illegitimately but both them in one bolt is a substantial victory in my book.

Soon after we played a game I can't remember the name of... something involving demons or devils - I forget.
Regardless, after taking almost an eternity to describe said game and make everyone understand the rules - we began.
Basically someone would say that they were thinking of a type of object, they would whisper the correct type to me and then everyone else would guess what it was.
E.G. - "I'm thinking of a type of pie" "Monkey pie!" "Apple pie!"
As soon as someone correctly guessed they would race whoever was 'IT' to the Workshop, round it and back.
Olaf some how expected everyone to guess Corb's famous pie - Dragon and Mushroom pie. Having seen the level of intellect we deal with on a daily basis in Stonekeep, this was a dramatic oversight.

Karne made some idiotic comment about Tanya's arse being fat, which will earn him 'death on sight' over the coming weeks. Provided he escapes each time. If he doesn't then naturally 'death on sight' will no longer be required.

Olaf decided to remind people of my escapades in my youth, mentioning the infamous pixie incident and the woman who wished to visit a 'dungeon'.
Unfortunately it later turned out that Tanya had heard everything he'd said, conveniently though I seemed to have told her about the pixie at least once before.



After that we had the 'Gentlemen's Evening' hosted by Caden D'Gar. I found myself seated between Caden and Madsen. Talk about a frigging mood-killer. Tanya invited Rhoen to attend prior to the event, to keep an eye on me I expect. Instead I had to watch my oldest son make an idiot of himself in public. I know I was once rather a bit too fond of the ladies but I can't have been that incredibly obvious, could I?

That odd girl in the tavern, Mia or something apparently dedicated her dance to me because of my 'kindness' towards her. Me? Kind? I wasn't aware verbally tearing someone a new arsehole on a regular basis constituted 'kindness'.
Anyway - the whole evening was a little creepy. Now don't get me wrong I don't have any issue with watching good-looking women dance around naked for my enjoyment, what I do find weird was watching it with a bunch of over-sexed junior guardsmen with their hands down their pants.
Still - I managed a jibe about Madsen not enjoying it 'cause the girls were of the wrong race. He attempted to respond with violence but realised even that was a bad idea.
Poor little boy.

- Dart

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Bladius Dart

Captain's log

8th day of the 9th month

So after Rusty got eaten the other week I brought Chips home. Chips is a good horse, not a very fast horse, not a very smart horse and not a very strong horse but a good horse. Although I'm wondering right at this moment why he's so 'good'... a certain child has been feeding him something that quite clearly (as shown by the mess outside my front door) doesn't agree with his stomach. This has happened a few times since I bought the stupid creature and I'm tiring of clearing up copious amounts of dung when I get home.

Anyway - I had decided in response to this dilemma that I would seek a horse that doesn't worry about such things as 'stomach upsets'. In fact if it had a stomach upset it would probably be because it'd eaten too many people. I wanted a 'Nightmare'.

Now I know you can find Nightmares in the Lost Lands, however I doubt I could just climb aboard one of them. For a start it might y'know bite me... or set me on fire. Then I'd have to cut its legs off and it would just get very unnecessarily messy very very quickly.
So I enlisted the aid of an 'Ostard Handler'. Now I'm not really too knowledgeable on Ostards or for that matter Nightmares but I figure y'know that a Giant Chicken is pretty much on the same scale of nastiness as a Nightmare.
Giant Chickens - Obviously lay giant eggs which in the hot climate they are native to will go rotten very quickly if left out in the sun and subsequently smell really bad.
Nightmares - Barbecue people and eat their charred remains.
See? Balanced.
Now being surrounded at this moment in time by a group of flatulent children, being burned alive seems almost preferable.
However, I now know otherwise.

After fighting our way through waves of Bobas and Ophidians we clambered into the depths of the Terathan Keep. I have many fond memories of climbing out of piles of spider legs missing half of my kit from the Terathan Keep. Most of said experiences were thanks in part to the complete lack of tactical prowess of Gareth Courteux. A man who thought it was in our best interests to drag us half way across the world to throw us headlong into a nest of venomous spiders. I never thought I would be sitting here mentally comparing Courteux's blatant insanity to my own odd desire to plunge everyone into immense danger. The similarities are often times worrying. At least my missions have a purpose though.
His seemed to be:

1. Deliver patrol to monster nest.
2. Leave on horse when situation looks grim.

One step ahead of me, I always feel sorry for the poor cretins and don't bring a horse.

We almost lost Astendar a few times, which wouldn't have been such an incredible tragedy bearing in mind she spent the entire patrol whining about visiting a beach or Magincia. Kinda gave up on her once but she somehow found her way back, unfortunately. She managed to jinx the entire patrol once or twice by saying that she thought we were relatively safe or that things were terrible, only for things to get extremely bad within a few moments.

Now, I don't know if some crazy fool's had the idea to list known records for feats of greatness or whatever but if they had then surely we would have had to have been one of the greatest. Or maybe the stupidest for we spent possibly longer than anyone ever spent in the Terathan Keep. Not because we were busy cleansing every spot of stone but mainly due to my slightly inadequate planning. I hadn't brought a reliable map.
Well.. I say a reliable map. I was going by memory and I suppose there's only so much you can rely on the memory encased in a head that's spent its life being hit with maces and chewed on by enormous carnivorous lizards.

However - we eventually found the Nightmare lair and the Ostard Handler now would display his complete lack of talent as he spent nigh on three decades whispering to a fire-breathing horse.
Now had I not been more concerned with not going home in a sodding urn, I would have given him a good kicking but the way I saw it - we were there because I wanted a horse and we weren't leaving until I had one who could cook me breakfast merely by coughing. So instead of assaulting the Handler, I instead preferred to keep myself alive.

Eventually after 'accidentally' killing the first two horses, the Handler managed to salvage one and we departed. Unfortunately every single creature in the Lost Lands seemed to have it in for our dear Handler, throwing magic and abuse at him in every conceivable way. Although, after what he pulled when we returned, I wish I had done the same.

Tanya seemed to go missing on the way back and while I kept an eye out for her, I couldn't see her so I relied on the fact that she has an uncanny ability to find her way out of trouble.

After we finally made it back to the moongate, having lost the majority of the patrol (Madsen included - fire-breathing horse and Madsen dead, Avatarmass come early!) the bloody Handler pegged it off with my horse. He kept saying how much he liked it and wanted it... and then promptly left with it when I told him to deliver it to the stables in Yew.

All that for nothing!



Got back to the Keep and we delivered the news of Madsen's death.
Lyson took it very badly. I never realised Madsen and Lyson were a couple. Although again it's in keeping with Madsen's bag. Non-humans. I think Lyson is strictly human though... supposedly. Not sure how anyone that small can be a human and not a child.
Managed to convince him that I'd stolen Madsen's sword as a trophy. We'll ignore the fact that said sword was the one bought for me at the market the other week. Lyson wanted to buy it. I wasn't sure that Tanya would be best pleased if I sold a midget her present.



Lyson should have been a grave-digger because he was extremely efficient at digging his own hole. First off he called Tanya a whore then after apologising to her he said he hadn't know she was my wife 'cause I always have "fifty girls going at the same time".
After Tanya stopped pointing her crossbow at my head. Lyson again made a foul-up and I chased him off around the countryside. I eventually got sick of his excessive use of his hefty shield and decided to belt him repeatedly with mine.
Mildly satisfying.

- Dart

__________________

Bladius Dart

Captain's log

9th day of the 9th month

So as I trudged into Stonekeep I noticed a distinct lack of movement and while it was technically my day off I decided to try and spark something resembling activity in the garrison.
I didn't really have any ideas. The countryside seemed safe, external threats have lessened and I was in no mood to drill the men and women on something mundane and uninteresting.
I was also partially drunk, after all it was my day off.

I gave everybody a list of options detailing things we could do. Most of them involved booze, pie and violence.

I decided we would all go in search of 'Battle Creatures'. Everybody went off to find one, I stumbled across a Pack Llama at the stables which I borrowed. Now. I know from my experiences with Llamas that they're incredibly dangerous animals. I decided since it was a 'Pack Llama' that it was half-tame. I'm not sure how one goes about taming a llama, being that they are crazed beasts who lust after death and destruction. However, I led my newly acquired 'Battle Llama' back to Stonekeep.

Ragnar Broketusk was Aldridge's pet, with Boba (Walker's) Pecker (Wilkes'), Spot (Tripps') and a dead harpy (Tenne's) making up the rest of the order.
Aldridge placed a ridiculously sized bet on Ragnar, which inevitably failed as Battle Llama and Boba ripped through the competition. However, when the two faced off there could be only one winner. Boba snapping Battle Llama's neck in two like a pathetic, insignificant tree twig.
Battle Llama had failed as all guardian spawn inevitably does and I enjoyed watching Boba brutalise him in such a humiliating fashion.

I can't remember much after that. All I know is it involved random outbursts and alcohol.



Hmm..
Last Man Standing tonight... wonder who will win. Probably someone either excessively short or fat.

- Dart

__________________

Bladius Dart

Captain's log

10th day of the 9th month

So yesterday I found myself on my way to the Orc Cave. We were gathering ingots or something. I didn't really pay attention. All patrols to the Orc Cave inevitably end up fighting those gigantic brute things.
I did manage to find a potential replacement for Chips though, however it was dead.. and by dead I mean it seemed to have once been alive, only to have been brought back to life and killed again. I believe that Undead Zhedra or whatever used to ride one of those once upon a time. Not sure the kids would take too kindly to me bringing home an Undead horse though.
Tanya's cooking often smells bad enough without the stink of rotting flesh seeping through to the house.

It seemed that Tripps hadn't thought to bring a crafter with him so I went in search of that Jessica. She was mulling around inside the Tradepost, rooting through the storage containers as she usually is. Nosey cow.
I sent her off to the Orc Cave and went back to my paperwork.


Noticed we had a couple of men due their awards from the previous ceremony. So I dealt with them and then began 'preparing' for the Last Man Standing.
Mia the barmaid wanted to talk in private. Now this girl's a little odd so I thought it best not to speak to her away from everyone else. Apparently she knew I was about to leave the Tradepost before I even did. Which makes me think she's some sort of wytch.
Anyway - Since she thought the issue was 'embarrassing' I assumed it was either some sort of dopey come-on or a personal problem. Like a 'feminine itch'.


Anyway - Walker beat Helmgard in the final two of the Last Man Standing. Which wasn't surprising. Walker almost lost though, he backed off from a toe to toe so I suppose Helmgard technically won the moral victory. Walker beat him pretty clean though, even if it was a little dishonourably.

Back to work.

- Dart

__________________

Bladius Dart

Captain's log

11th day of the 9th month

Seems the lovely new couple I hired to run the tavern in the wake of Carolyn's 'unfortunate' suspension have some sort of personal vendetta against tabs.
Tanya even sided with the old bat who I was arguing with, querying why I need a tab.
...I know. I sometimes wonder how about her too. She does have her 'blonde' moments, doesn't she? I'm not even going to bother explaining why I need a tab. With their extortionate prices, you need access to a treasury of some description and I can't afford to carry around buckets full of gold just to pay for a pitcher of water once in a while.

If they're going to refuse me my tab then I'm not paying off what I previously owed them. Although I have a horrible feeling that a certain someone has paid off my tab when I've not been looking. Meddling women.


The D'Gar guards were on the verge of killing the new Bar Manager after they offended his wife but it seems that Navy Blue Drew bloke who also seems to double as 'The Crimson Rabbit' or something dealt with him.
As he fled the tavern, he crashed into the poor bastard, knocking his head against the wall.
I suppose that's one way of getting rid of the new management.

- Dart

__________________

Bladius Dart

Captain's log

12th day of the 9th month

So there we were in 'Spider Wood' surrounded by nasties.
The men were here to construct bases in the woodland and learn how to fend off constant threats both from organised forces and roaming beasts.
I threw a few stipulations in too. Such as when you got knocked down by the opposing team, you joined them.
As well as restrictions on armour and special techniques. Those who chose one at the beginning were restricted from using the other.

For the most part it seemed to work. People cheated on rare occasions but they were dealt with swiftly. After a good while I got bored of watching Red chase Green and Red chase Tan and sent all of them into the 'Spider Cave' to pick a team (by splashing on colours from tubs hidden inside) and gathering gold for their chosen team.

Red Team won overall, which was surprising, since they'd had less members for much of the 'Cave Stage'.


I'll have to remember to remember to give those who participated some sort of reward.
Nah

- Dart


Captain's log

13th day of the 9th month

That foolish Crimson Raider or whatever was lurking around Stonekeep yesterday.
Scaring civilians and picking on junior ranks seems to be all he's capable of.
But after multiple chases around the woodland and an attempt at fighting the fool one on one only for him to flee every bloody second, a Trainee showed up and rather surprisingly managed to trip him up with his spear, which finally gave me the opportunity to line up a crunching blow to the head.
KAPOW!
He 'surrendered' like a coward. Well.. surrendered after I'd incapacitated him but in my mind that's good enough.


After that we bunged him in a cell, where he delivered cliché after awful cliché. Had the men drop him off in Trinsic later so he could wreak havoc on their guard force.
I suppose that's a little cruel on their innocents but then who in Trinsic is innocent?


- Dart

__________________

Bladius Dart

Captain's log

14th day of the 9th month

So being the generous kind of guy that I am - I thought I'd organise a little picnic on a secluded island (Paradise) for our hardworking guardsmen and women.
They'd have to find it first. Which was part of the challenge. One team sort of followed the rules and the spirit of the game, whereas the other one resorted to crime and stole a boat from a Trinsic civilian to gain an advantage.
Not that I have an issue with wreaking havoc in Trinsic.

So after I'd sent the naughty team away until I would summon them back, the other team eventually arrived to enjoy the picnic. It seemed the island was tainted by vile wytchery though, as when you stood on particular parts of the island, you couldn't hear anyone else!

It was rather bizarre and disorientating, so I quickly decided I felt safer aboard a ship. Which is saying something as I'd usually never want to be anywhere near one of those floating coffins.


Anyway - After a few naval battle games (consisting of numerous attempts at pushing Madsen overboard) we visited Trinsic to return the stolen ship. Wandered around for ages looking for 'Stewan Seagull' or whoever.
Never found him. Did find a drow.
She didn't eat us, which was fortunate but nor did she have any brilliant advice as to where we could find Seagull. Instead after giving up on that we found a bloody clothes stall and all the women (as well as Fraser) took it upon themselves to inspect the goods.
Tanya pleaded with me to buy her something pretty. I could have bought her anything and it wouldn't have mattered. She just wanted to embarrass me in front of the men and succeeded. Cow.

- Dart


Captain's log

15th day of the 9th month

So now I know never to listen to someone asking to go read a book.
There we were in the bowels of Terort Skitas, surrounded by things that were big enough to devour us whole when we notice a sodding tome on a pedestal.
Now usually I see those things and a big bleeding alarm sounds in my head and warns me to "STAY THE HELL AWAY!". Young asked to go back and read the book because it looked 'expensive'.

In future I intend fully to follow my gut feeling and stay away from the large book guarded jealously by lich lords, swirling cyclones of poison and overgrown nosebleed elementals. Nothing good could come from it and it didn't.
I think Tanya was the only one who escaped with all her gear intact and I of course was subjected to constant mocking all evening. What she forgets is that some of us actually stand and fight the bloody things instead of crawling into a corner every time something as big as a dog leaps out at us.


Next time one of the kids asks me to read them a bedtime story, I will refuse and use the above as an example of why you should avoid reading without a heavily armed escort.

I say that but we're going back there tonight and I have every intention of bringing that book with us just to burn it in defiance and even though there's no mention of any interesting mounts on my list of 'What to expect in Terort Skitas', you never know!
Vengeance (and possibly funky horse) shall be mine!

- Dart


Captain's log

16th day of the 9th month

Ahh.. victory.
Victory through obstacles greater than we ever imagined.
Three golden lich lords, fountains of golden blood, balrons, demons, fire-breathing dogs and swirling cyclones of venom.
When I said I wished to return to Terort Skitas, I didn't quite anticipate that despite our greater numbers we'd face even greater odds.

We pushed through the dungeon quite quickly but were held at the corridor that was to be our end last time we passed through. We discovered a golden lich lord blocking our path to the foul tome sitting triumphantly atop the pedestal. Now, I've learned in my experiences with the undead that they usually avoid negotiations and usually seem to prefer the idea of biting your shoulder off rather than having a nice chit-chat. With that in mind we attacked head-on. It was going as well as could be expected, considering we were being flanked by numerous undead allies. However, soon some of the men wavered and fled, leaving the few of us remaining to stand against the on-rushing hordes alone. It wasn't long before I was calling 'FALL BACK!'... to myself.

We fell back and regrouped, taking nigh on an eternity to recover what with the constant pressures from every conceivable direction. Still Tanya completed her revival duties to perfection. Helping everyone back up as soon as was physically possible.
Still it took a while to deal with the odd presence of some sort of knock-out gas, which had an unfortunate habit of being released every time we went up or down flights of stairs. The amount of times we departed down some stairs only to wake up a few moments later stretched out on the cold floor with some sort of unholy beast picking at your belongings like you were a living, breathing market stall. It wouldn't have bothered me so much if I'd had a chance to defend myself but it seemed whoever had designed the gas-traps had it in for us poor Militiamen.
Eventually we overcame such an obstacle and devised a cunning plan to destroy the Lich Lord. Luring it to the steps and flinging ourselves at it.
Apparently fearing the upper level, the golden bastard kept himself well away from the top of the stairs, so if we needed to fall-back we were able to do so. Eventually the codger fell despite assistance from balrons and other hell-fiends.
It was about this time that we debated whether to continue, whether the book was worthy of so much sacrifice. Despite what was likely a majority vote in favour of retreating, we pressed on...

Only to find another golden lich lord. We wasted little time in drawing the ejit back to the stairs to repeat our clever tactic. It worked too, very swiftly I might add. Still, we had again lost ground and we were no-where nearer the book than we previously had been. A new tactic would be required!



We attacked quickly, showing no mercy to those who guarded the book, establishing ourselves in a formation around the pedestal whilst I ordered Footman Young to set the foul book ablaze. It worked.
However, cackling from the darkest corners of the room alerted us to the presence of yet another golden ejit.
We were hit hard, suddenly ambushed by any number of blood-fountains and poison mists. 'FALL BACK!' was in order. Only Helmgard and Tanya were on hand to hear me though, everyone else was buried underneath mounts of festering carcasses.
Still, after a quick re-group. We fell back to the upper levels. Finding a nice, quiet spot to pray to the Higher Being for passage out of this evil-infested pit of misery and home to celebrate victory.

- Dart

__________________

Bladius Dart

Captain's log

17th day of the 9th month

Absolutely knackered, I've just gotten in from making sure the Last Man Standing went ahead after a day ferrying children around to various places.
Nothing very exciting happened at the Last Man. Caden D'Gar won because everyone else seems to pride themselves on being idiots who wouldn't know a strategic plan if it came up and flanked them in the arse.


Got home and not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Practically passed out on the bed nearly crushing Tanya, only to be awoken by Annie crawling into bed at what must have been only a few minutes later. After that point I was too conscious of the rest of the clan following suit that I couldn't settle. So here I am, writing a stupid entry in this never-ending journal.


- Dart


Captain's log

18th day of the 9th month

So... last night was interesting.
I managed to publicly upset Tanya, which then caused her to make a big scene. Storming out, then returning and buying stupidly prized drinks on my tab.
I'm not even sure if I have a tab, so I'm not quite up on who paid for her drinks.
Anyway - Apparently me making a subtle joke about Vesperian whores during a discussion about ladies of the night didn't go down particularly well.
Seems Tanya has a very long-term memory and remembers a certain incident with Louisa and a Vesperian wench. I mean... I'd forgotten all about it.
I'm glad she reminded me though, heh... oh yes... very glad.


Tonight Walsh is holding some of sort of 'Military Maneuvers' drill.
Guess I should really be there for that.

- Dart


Captain's log

19th day of the 9th month

So Walsh was unavoidably detained. Instead of attempting to run her drill in her absence I noticed the Citadel was as dirty as a horny Markie.
Now, being a champion of innovation I decided I'd have the men display their creativity and also their engineering skills by cleaning the Citadel's exterior walls.
After picking work-teams Madsen shot Wilkes (already crippled for some reason) in the leg. There seemed to be a bit of confusion as to how to tend to his wounds. So I dealt with him rather effectively.
Then we got on to working.
The cleaning methods were rather pathetic as all the teams seemed to neglect the task of actually cleaning the Citadel and preferred instead to tarnish each other's efforts.
Idiots.

Tearheart and Madsen ended up practically shagging on the grass, which was perhaps the most disturbing thing I've ever had the displeasure of witnessing.


Seems someone has it in for my horses, as Lily came by and began feeding Ferran cookies.
I took her home so as to minimise damage but I think that's the last we've seen of Ferran, poor nag.

- Dart


Captain's log

20th day of the 9th month

So last night after rescuing a patrol at the Humility Shrine who stumbled across a walking golden corpse I ran... well... something.
The fools couldn't grasp what kind of pie was my favourite. Well they could, it's apple, obviously. However, I didn't want them to get the answer quite so easily so I pretended it was the fictional 'Moon Pie'.
Yes, Meat, Onion, Oranges and Noodles.
Whatever 'Noodles' and 'Oranges' are.
As they didn't know how a good pie was made, I decided we would bake a pie and teach them the correct method of pie-making.

The pie was filled with numerous disgusting ingredients, including cheese, wine and broken glass. There was garlic as well as meat but that wasn't quite as bad as the prospect of Cordelia putting her Radek-tainted hands into the bowl.
Managed to upset Tanya after she was knocked down the stairs by an idiot Wiley, woke her up by uh... well.. saying something inappropriate.
So now I'm in the doghouse, as usual.
As everyone should know - mix is only... mixed when the... mix is under the mixer's nails. Derwyn wasn't the best mixer in existence but she eventually did the job.


Had the men compete for who got to eat the pie first, by using the tried and tested dressing-up fighting... thing.

Anyway - Seems the women switched the pies with an Apple pie. I know. The nerve!

Put them all in a cell, that'll teach them.

- Dart

__________________

Bladius Dart

Captain's log

21st day of the 9th month

Need to remember to write to the Church requesting that they allow us greater powers to investigate hobbits and little people.
Now, I've never really thought too much about it but creatures from the Shire or Underhill were always sodding magical beasts.
It became pretty apparent during that bagball match yesterday that hobbits have some sort of unnatural bond with bagballs, it must be the unsightly hair on their feet that provides such an amazing ability to control a sodding pig's bladder at high speed.
We lost that match 6-3. Scored all three goals for our team and I was playing abysmally so you can imagine just how bad my team was.
I don't think the Covians had ever seen a bagball before, Tripps was... well Tripps and Madsen has the athletic ability of a constipated snail.

Annwyn decided to have Wilkes watch our goal as there were suspicions of cheating from the opposing team. Since he seems to have some sort of ongoing disagreement with Madsen I decided to kindly request that he cease in his goal-line judgement, especially after he made a number of rude remarks about our team.


Annwyn had the nerve to offer me a prize for 'Taking part'. Talk about trying to humiliate me. Like I'd ever appreciate a prize for 'Taking part', that's like accepting the fact that we lost in good grace. Pitiful.
Obviously I rejected the stupid cup, I suppose I could have kept it and thrown it at someone later on in the evening but I think the shame of actually touching the bloody thing would have been too much.

- Dart


Captain's log

22nd day of the 9th month

Ended up on yet another patrol to that bloody Orc Cave, again in search of ore.
I must have been there innumerable times over the years. I remember a patrol there as barely a Footman and it still hasn't changed a bit. Orcs don't appear to be ones for development.
Anyway - the craftie present hadn't an idea how to smelt shadow iron ore, which was a stroke of genius on Walsh's part, hiring in an incompetent craftsman, so after battling our way to the gigantic brute orcs, I was forced to wend my way back through the caverns to fetch a craftsman.
Found Lambeth and sent her back there with an armed escort.



Went off to finish some paperwork, then visited the tavern only to find Tanya and Lily having a disagreement over something or other.
Apparently Tanya had brought Lily to the Keep for a special treat, or some such. (Note: Put foot down about said matter in future, garrison is no place for children.)

Lily as usual was exceptionally rude when she didn't get her own way and I told her to be good and stay exactly where she was (on the rug in The Deer) until Tanya and I returned. Waited outside for a few minutes whilst Young was inside, figured she'd probably just badger him or something until she got bored and came running out.
Instead we heard crying, so rushed in and found her in tears with Young trying to bribe her with cookies (a trick that's becoming more and more ineffectual as she grows up.) I attempted to deal with the situation calmly whilst Tanya cuddled Lily.


Apparently he'd given her some coconut and she'd started choking. Idiot.
Lily of course knowing exactly what she was doing accused Young of hitting her. Anyway - took her home and I was told that I was her 'bestest friend'. First time I've heard that in a while, could've sworn it was Navaska but apparently he's an 'idiot' now as he refuses to marry Lily. Can't blame him. Bet he has his hands full with Floria being high maintenance, let alone Lily.
Still she seems to have a crush on Rhoen now, which is only slightly worrying being that he's her brother.

- Dart

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Bladius Dart