The Crap Jokes Thread

[Sally Buttons]

A Brummie goes into a tailor's shop and gets kitted out in a lovely new flared trouser suit.

"I know what will go with that" says the tailor, "a nice kipper tie".

"Ta" says the Brummie "I'll have 2 sugars".

[Shiko]

Diabolical *grins*

Not so much a joke but a funny comment:

'I wish my lawn was emo... so it would cut itself'

[Moturdrn]

A couple are playing 'I spy' in the kitchen of their home somewhere in Yorkshire.
'I spy with my little eye something beginning with T' said the husband.
"Tea pot said the wife." 'Nay Lass!'
"Tea towel." 'Nay Lass!'
"Toaster." 'Nay Lass!' he said, drumming his fingers on the work top.
"Oh I don't know" she said at long last "I give in"
'It's easy' he said. 'It's t'oven!'

[Sally Buttons]

A man goes to a zoo, but when he arrives there's only a dog...









It was a shitzu.

[Lothalann]

Larry, an accountant, gets home late one night and his wife, Linda,
says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a Fifty Pound note on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disdain.

"Why on earth would an accountant get a Fifty Pound note tattooed on his
privates?"

"Well, for one...I like to watch my money grow.
Two...once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three...I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly...instead of you going out wasting money on shopping, you
can stay right here at home and blow Fifty quid anytime you want."



Larry is recovering nicely in hospital.

[Cen Brennah]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

[athos]

Why was eeyore in the bathroom?

He was looking for Pooh!

[Kade.]

Oh dear...

[Reed]

My friend just got back from Basra in Iraq and he told me this one:

Whats the difference between a trampoline and an Iraqie?
......
......
You take your shoes off for a trampoline.

[Aeribian IV]

Heard about Pakistans new national sport?

Bobsleigh

[Cen Brennah]

What did Cinerella do when she got to the ball............................. she choked

[Achenar]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Sherlock Holmes: It's elementary, my dear Watson.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 3000, which will not only take care of all your data processing needs but also cross roads and lay eggs as standard.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
CNN: We will get back to the chicken soon.

Albert Einstein: It was a relatively easy thing to do.

Watson and Crick: It all seems to boil down to a morphology in the end. After all, which is more faithful records of the development of the chicken, the phenotype (what the organism looks like) or the genotype (what the DNA looks like)? But this may be a dangerous oversimplification.

Jamie Oliver: Just leave it to marinade overnight in the herbs and garlic butter.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Who are you calling a chicken?

The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car.

Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross before you can call it a chicken?

Freud: The fact that you are concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Frankenstein's monster: If you saw me coming, you'd cross the road too.



The CIA and Freud ones were actually kind of funny xD
Also another kind of a joke!

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip, put up their tent and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wake his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Pisces. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evidence the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment and then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

[Sally Buttons]

Bert and Ethel lived in the old people's home, and always sat together, with Ethel holding Bert's willy. This carried on for a few months, but one day, Ethel came into the sitting room and found Bert sitting there with Gertie holding his willy instead.
"Oh Bert," she wept, "What's she got that I haven't?"
Bert replied:
"Parkinson's"!!

[Cal Soulshadow]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."