Rak'suun

Usstan orn inbal ussta vharcan {translation: I will have my revenge}
I let it slip. It was a moment of weakness, a single second of memory, but I let it slip. I could make the excuse that I was in pain, or that someone else brought it up, but the fault is mine, the mistake is mine. I certainly don't think anyone caught it, but that isn't the point.
It's been years since I came to the surface, and I've led a fairly chaotic life. No one pays attention to the little details; if I am one hundred and eighty four, but I lived in Menzoberranzan for a century and a half, wouldn't that mean I had been on the surface for over three decades?
It's been a long time since I thought of my days as a Tel'Marian mercenary. I went by Baenrae back then, but that was foolish. Not only did pretending to be a part of the First Hosue of Menzoberranzan attract more attention than I wanted, as extreme unluck would have it, a daughter of Matron Baenrae was also a mercenary. Fortunately, she hadn't paid much attention to us "worthless" males, so I was able to pass myself off as a younger brother. After the mercenaries dissolved, I went back to my house name, Xuunrae.*the next part is written slightly different, almost as if by another hand* Am I any better than them? After what they did, who they hurt...Even now, murderous rage fills my heart and I want nothing more that to drink the blood of Faeryl Hun'ett and all that follow her. Attacking Keina was the worst-and last-mistake that they will ever make. My vengance shall be long and painful; they will learn to fear the shadows, they will learn to fear the light, they will learn to fear the very air itself, because I might be waiting. I will be waiting
Rak'suun paused, and looked over the last section he had written. He shook his head with a worried look on his face. "Did I write that?" he mouthed silently.
*this is written in the same style as the first part*
What is wrong with me? I do not want to become like my kin, but yet...
I fear that my anger is taking ahold of me. I do not well remember questioning those two drow *a twisted smile flashes across Rak'suuns' face, but quickly passes* females; it is only by going over the Captains' report and talking to Korith that I can get a clear picture of what happened. I ask again, what is wrong with me? Is my rage so great that I am defining a part of my soul by it? I fear that it may be so, and I fear for the safety of my companions; I fear for my own soul.
Most of all, I fear that I may yet become a true drow...

Rak'suun

*handwriting is shaky, twisted, not Rak'suuns normal script*
Nind orn el Nind orn el Nind orn el Nind orn el Nind orn el Nind orn el Nind orn el Nind orn el Nind orn el Nind orn el Nind orn el Nind orn el Nind orn el Nind orn el Nind orn el [translation=They Will Die]
Lies. Furious, devious, simple lies, and they got away with it. Faeryl walked out of the door. Out of the door! In my reach, ready, wanting...almost, no, yes, Nind orn el Nind orn el Nind orn el Nind orn el *trails off into scribbles*
Rak'suun shaked himself awake, and, looking at the small journal in front of him, smiled. As he scanned over what he had written, his smile quickly faded into a look of panic. Glancing around quickly, he made a motion as if to rip the page from the book, but stayed himself. Taking up the quill again, he sighed and began to write again.
*handwriting is easier, more akin to Rak'suuns normal style*
Again, it would seem. I thought that today might bring some relief, but then Faeryl *once again, a small, twisted smile ghosts across Rak'suuns face* showed up, spouting, as I myself seemed to have put it, "furious, devious, simple lies." I admit, I was not entirely pleased with what happened in the Jail tonight, but as I told the Captain later that night, we are servants of the Duchy, no more, no less. We do what is best for for the people of Trinsic and the Duke. Why this, though...this murderous beast caged within? Where has he come from? What dark paths has he traveled in my soul, and what now gives him voice and purpose? Is he me...or am I him? Who is the true Rak'suun Xuunrae? I must believe that it is merely a symptom of that odd "healing" I received...I will do my best to find the woman that undertook it. Perhaps she might shed some light on this...spirit, this wrathful being within, struggling to get out. A priest of Talos once said to me, on behalf of his God, that "Forgiveness I have not, but Vengance and Wrath shall be my tools; Beware, both Friend and Foe! When the Tempest of my Anger is let loose, all shall fall before My Might!" I pray that his fate is not also my own. Let my life be taken by my own hand, should it prove to be my path.
The seer. I might, perhaps, pay a visit to her. She seemed believeable enough, and what she said made sense before. I, for some reason yet unknown, trust her, though in truth I know her not.
Enough of this conjecture. Even we Ilythiiri need sleep, though it is but fleeting for most of us.

Rak'suun

*handwriting is almost unreadable, with ominous red stains on this entry*
Ussta rah......Ussta rah.....Ussta rah......Ussta rah.......Ussta rah......Ussta rah......Ussta rah......Ussta rah.......[translation-my hand]

Rak'suun

*handwriting is somewhat shakey, but nonetheless Rak'suuns normal style*
I had a dream this night.
Elves and Drow do not dream.
There was...a man? No, an elf...a great, burning elf, whose wrath was like an ocean and whose vengance was as swift as light.
He spoke to me.
Shevarash. That was his name. He hated me, hated my kind...but wanted me. Wanted to make me one of his, an instrument of death among the drow. He mocked my..... Rak'suun looked down at the buckler strapped to his arm, an arm that ended in with a stump. ....injury, telling me that it was my penance for being a drow. He told me many things, so many....
There was another there, I think. A figure wrapped in shadow, whose face was hidden but whose twisted, evil smile could be felt. He whispered in my ear, telling me to agree, to take this....Gods (for He must be, there is no point in denying it) offer, to kill, to kill until the grass itself grew red from the blood I had shed.
The blood of Drow. That is what he wants.

*handwriting is blury, jagged for a moment*
Nindol zhah vel'bol Usstan ssinssrin. Nindol zhah vel'bol dos ssinssrin, wael. [translation-This is what I want. This is what you want, fool].

*handwriting is normal again*
Am I mad?

Rak'suun

*a small note is folded in between this page and the next, featuring a rough drawing of a drowish figure standing next to a little girl*
*normal handwriting*
Keina no longer hates me, which is good. I was worried that she might never speak to me again, but thanks to Elise (her new "Mama"?) we talked it through. I'm still worried about her dreams, though...could they somehow be related to Lloth? It seems like something she would do.
If she goes near Keina...
A chill blew throughout the abandoned hospital that Rak'suun made his home it. Silently cursing the Minoc weather, he turned to put more wood on the fire. As he turned, something caught his eye from the corner of the room. After a moment, he softly muttered "You..."
"Did you think I would give up so easily?" The shadowy figure from Rak'suuns dream said casually as he strolled over to the fireplace, seemingly oblivious to the fact that he was denying the laws of reality. "I have a much stronger will than that."
Rak'suun considered asking "how", but he realized that the explanation, if he even got one, would be worthless. He eyed the....thing? from his dreams, trying to classify....it?
He was obviously drow, although how Rak'suun knew this he wasn't sure. He was about the same size and built of Rak'suun himself, but wore a black robe, black as night, black as death, that seemed to draw all the warmth out of the fire.
Vengance
The thought crossed Rak'suuns mind in an instant, but from where he had no idea. Instead, he turned to this figure and simply said "Why."
The dark being before Rak'suun smiled, a twisted, evil grin that mocked humor and happiness. The smile was felt rather than seen, but Rak'suun knew it was there.
"Why, indeed." the figure mused. "Let me first answer "who", and then we'll get to the "why." You may call me..." it paused, thinking to itself. "Nuus'kar, I think. Yes, Nuus'kar works well."
Rak'suun grimly muttered "Clever, isn't it? Nuus'kar. Very well, play your games. Now, why are you here?"
Nuus'kar grinned his poison grin again. "Relentless. I see that we both share that. Why? Because it's what I want. Because it's what you want, fool." Nuus'kar gestured over to the open book, pointing at the small drawing. "You want to protect her, don't you?"
"Leave Keina out of this." Rak said angrily. The moment he felt his temper rise, though, Nuus'kar seemed to grow darker; it was almost as if he became more solid, more real.
"That's it. The angrier you get, the better off this will go." Nuus'kar sat down in the corner, and continued. "You want to protect her. You know that you can't..at least, not as you are now. Look at yourself." Nuus'kar motioned towards Rak'suuns left arm, and muttered "If I had my way more often...Ah, but nevermind that. You want to protect her? I want revenge. He can grant us both what we want. His strength will give us power." Nuus'kar's voice took on a wry note. "We should be honored, you know. He hates our kind, hates all of us equally. Oh, perhaps not those foolish girls that follow Elistra-what's her name, but the rest of us are worthless in His eyes."
"What makes us" Rak caught himself. What "us"? he thought "What makes me different?"
"I do." Nuus'kar replied, as if pointing out the sky was blue. "Shevarash sees in me a small bit of the hatred that He has, and it has interested Him." Looking at Rak's face, Nuus'kar laughed, a hideous sound that was more akin to the scream of a berserk warrior than an expression of joy. "You still don't get it, do you? Let me explain it to myself...."

Rak'suun

*a slow. steady script*
I write this with the coming of the dawn. I had hoped that in this morn's light, everything would make sense again.
I was wrong.
I am at a crossroads. I cannot well describe the choice before me; do I let the demon in my soul loose? The obvious answer would be "no", but it isn't quite so simple.
He Rak'suun paused, realizing that he had just validated Nuus'kars existance, if only in his mind. has assured me that if I do not work with him, then he will work alone. I am not sure if he yet has the strength to overpower my own thoughts, but he is dangerously close.
It is tempting.
Power, the power to avenge the wrongs done to me and those I can about.
Power, the power to punish those who most certainly deserve it.
Power, the power to give up emotion and live for one purpose.
Power. The power to strike at Lloth herself.
The question is no longer "should" I accept it. It is "will" I accept it? Morals have no place in revenge; as I am dedicated to that path already, what is to prevent me from accepting this power I am offered? Surely it would help; without my hand, I will never shot a bow again. This is ironic; Sevarash is known as the Black Archer.
Nuus'kar left me a sword. How the darker side of my soul managed to aquire a sword to give me I do not know. It is of a strange metal; it is the same color of iron, but is much stronger and lighter. He said it was my answer; should I wield it once to strike down a foe, then he-and Shevarash-shall have their answer.
Do I dare?
Do I dare not?
I made two promises to a little girl. One was made of revenge, the other, for trust.
I have broken one.
Rak'suun looked up at the rising sun. His eyes grew hard, and a wide, twisted grin slowly streched across his face.
I will not break the other.

Rak'suun

*written in normal script*
It is my fault.
I should have guessed. I should have been paying attention to the signs.
It is my fault.

"Of course it is."

Rak'suun, shocked, looked around. Only the blank rock of the Malas cave where he was resting glared back at him, as if resenting his very presence.
Rak'suun sighed, and simply said "I have no time for your games."

"Oh, they are much more than games now." The hollow, mocking voice chuckled. "But, if you insist they are, I've just scored a point."

Rak'suun glanced around slowly, fearing to ask his next question. "And how do you figure this?"

The darkness around him seemed to gather itself. "Look what I can do."

Suddenly, of its own will, Rak'suuns hand dropped the quill he had been holding, and snaked towards his sword. Grasping the hilt, Rak'suun felt himself lifted to his feet, as though his legs belonged to someone else.

The voiceless voice spoke again, this time with a hard, angry edge. "Do you like it? Being handled as soem...puppet? This is my existence; I do not move-I am moved. I do not speak-my mouth opens, yet the words that flow forth are not mine. I sit in my shapeless prison and watch as some weaking lives the life that should be mine!"

Rak'suun was abruptly released, dropped to the floor like a rag. The voice spoke again, calmer this time.

"Not long now. Lil'Alure gave me life, and in return I shall claim his. Each sin that has been done to me shall be avenged tenfold. Not just to me...to us! You have suffered as much as I. In the deepest, darkest part of your soul, you thirst for their blood as overwhelmingly as I do. I know this-I am that part. Work with me, or I shall work alone.
Every time you give in to the anger, I draw closer.
Every time you sink into despair, I draw closer.
Every time you wish for revenge, I draw closer.
I am near.
Remember this-you agreed. You pledged yourself to Shevarash. You will fulfill your oath, or I shall."
With that , the voice was gone.

Rak'suun

*written harshly, jagged and angry*
I've read through this fools journal, and I've come to realize that it is all from his pont of view. I find this unfair-I am half of what he is, so I should be allowed to scribble down my thoughts and wants as well.
Also, if someone were to ever read this, I want them to know the truth.

I am not some fools lackey, to be used at his leasure. I am wrath, I am vengance, I am what every person holds inside, fearful of the caged beast within.

I am, however different.

I have found the key to my cell; no more shall I be locked away, fighting for brief glimses of light and life. It will be my eyes that the drow learn to fear, not his. It will be my voice mocking them as they beg for mercy, and it will be my sword that cuts them down as they kneel before me.

Rak'suun left Menzoberranzan-I am what he would have become if he had not.

I am what he will become.

Soon. Very, very soon.

__________________
Nuus'kar-"Thou Shalt Not Suffer A Drow To Live"
Rak'suun-"But I'm a drow..."
Nuus'kar-"Looks like this is going to be a bad weekend for you."

Rak'suun

I wish them happiness.
After reading Kaelyns report, I realize that Keina is probably better off with Elise and Talon. If she wants to stay with me, then she is more than welcome to...but, with the torment of my soul, it is safer that she doesn't.
I have avoided Trinsic these last few days, seeking to safe myself through isolation. It would appear that it is not so simple as that. He grows stronger each day; I can feel it inside, burning, feezing, twisting; tempting torment and heinous pleasure, a great maelstrom wrenching my soul to jagged shards of hate.
Perhaps I should seek help, or at the very least talk to someone. I trust Kimi...she would understand, perhaps.
Perhaps not.
Alraune...I believe that was her name. The seer, by the very nature of her profession, knows that which is unknown and sees that which is unseen. Could she, perhaps, stitch my mind back together?
And if so, what would the result be?
You cannot bind two beings together, and have them remain equal. One must overcome, and in doing so, assimilate-or annihilate-the other.
I cannot tell who would win such a battle.
What dark oath have I sworn? Shevarash does not want moderation-he does not care if a drow follows Lloth or Vhaerun, or any of the other ones. The followers of Eilistraee may be spared, but the rest must be put to the sword or the spear or the flame.
I cannot say I completely disagree.
Keina...
What a hard path you walk. Katina has gone, and you have been left with people you do not truly trust.
Perhaps...
I well remember the Underdark. The long, twisting paths, darkness, unending...
I certainly remember it better than an eight year old child.
Redemption. It is a fleeting concept, but I must grasp at it before it vanishes. And, if I return to Menzoberranzan, then I will have the chance to quench my thirst for Drow blood.
Minoc. That dark passage. Oae sealed it, bound the rock together with a single spell. Before we went our seperate ways, he gave me a scroll containing the conterspell that will split the rock open for a few moments, and then seal itself up again, this time for good. "Just in case." he said to me, and vanished on the wings of magic.
I wonder how Dhrael'Ussan Oae has faired on the surface. He came not for freedom, but in search of power. I am afraid that he may have wandered down a path as dark as mine has become.
I does not matter. I will go, and try to find Katina.
Through the search, I hope to gain salvation.

Areion nindol ragarrl, Usstan orn tlu sei'lor duul'sso![Translation-Though this search, I will be set free!]

It does not matter.

__________________
Nuus'kar-"Thou Shalt Not Suffer A Drow To Live"
Rak'suun-"But I'm a drow..."
Nuus'kar-"Looks like this is going to be a bad weekend for you."

Rak'suun

__________________
Nuus'kar-"Thou Shalt Not Suffer A Drow To Live"
Rak'suun-"But I'm a drow..."
Nuus'kar-"Looks like this is going to be a bad weekend for you."

Rak'suun

*written angrily, but normally*
This is idiotic. Weeds. How are weeds going to help?
Rak'suun sighed. There was no use in fighting it. He felt bad about putting it off for so long...truth be told, he was scared. He was not human-Reviere was totally seperate from the sleep of humans. He felt that Alraune might be rushing into the unknown...but she had read his journal...
Rak'suun muttered angrily. Stuffing the nightshade under his head, he leaned back and let the soft half-conciousness of Reviere slide over him like a blanket.
Closing his eyes, he envisioned a river, fast, but smooth as silk on the surface...but still, something was not right. Faces laughed and danced under the water...Nil'tyrr, Lance Sanders, Hanse Davion, Lil'Alure...Keina, Kimi, Hugo...Kaelyn...all spinning around a shadow shaped like the face of a drow, a drow that was horribly familier and yet totally alien.
This was his deamon.
His last thought before becoming lost amidst the turmoil was one of regret.
May all the Gods in all the Heavens have mercy on my soul...
With that, he was gone.

__________________
Nuus'kar-"Thou Shalt Not Suffer A Drow To Live"
Rak'suun-"But I'm a drow..."
Nuus'kar-"Looks like this is going to be a bad weekend for you."

Rak'suun

*the following entry is written extremely roughly, and tears stain the page.*
I have failed them...failed them both.
Keina-I do not know if I shall ever see your smile again. I sit in this room I had built for you...I sit in this bed, your bed, and my heart dies. I would give my right hand to see you safe again, and see that this is all some horrible nightmare.
Kimi-I...*a large group of words is slashed out angrily* You are my friend, one that I care about, perhaps to much. I think of that night at the West Gate, confessing our sins to each other...I remember you laying your head down on my hand, and that simple gesture almost made me weep. It was a sign of complete trust, and with that trust came a new feeling. I thought myself foolish, at first, but I could not deny it. There is no point in denying it now-I think I was, am *another group of words is crossed out*What can come between a drow and a kitsune?
None, none of it matters now. Nil'tyrr...
I will kill him. Even writing that, it feels hollow...no words ever created can describe what I am going to do to him. I would sell my soul to get you both back safe...I will sell my life to get you back at all.
And, if it is too late, then I will kill Nil'tyrr, and follow you into the next life, if there is one. Just to see Keina smile again...to see Kimi tilt her head to the side. Keina's laugh, Kimi's scowl as I tell her the bruises don't hurt so much. One of Keina's hugs...the quick, almost brutal embrace that Kimi and I shared for a moment.Keina, charging into battle as if she would slay them all...Kimi, picking up a bow to defend those she loved.
Love...
Keina's quivering voice, asking me to help her...Kimi's quiet smile, something that (even though she showed it to others), I felt was sometimes for me and me alone...Their trust, their love...
*the rest of the entry is too damaged by tear stains and slashes of ink to be read*

__________________
Nuus'kar-"Thou Shalt Not Suffer A Drow To Live"
Rak'suun-"But I'm a drow..."
Nuus'kar-"Looks like this is going to be a bad weekend for you."

Rak'suun

*written as Rak'suun sits between Kimi and Keina in the healers*
They are back, both of them...but at what cost?
Kimi seems almost eerily calm...it bothers me, makes me spill more tears on this day. She was injured horribly, but still put Keina's wellbeing above her own.
I can only hope she remains the same with the coming of the dawn.
Keina has been almost destroyed...mentally and physically. She can only say a few strange phrases in Drow...she keeps calling Kimi "mother"...
Her body has been lead to the edge, she is on the far side of death's door...but still, with Kimi's help, we managed to pull her back.
Kimi says Nil'tyrr is dead...I will believe that when I see his body. I am, however, resigning my post as a duchy guard tomorrow, if the Captain will allow it. Kimi and Keina need me now, and I will be there for them.
Rak'suun closed the book quietly, looking at the sleeping forms on the beds to his left and right. Feelings erupted from him, and he sank to the floor and sobbed until Reviere finally claimed him.

__________________
Nuus'kar-"Thou Shalt Not Suffer A Drow To Live"
Rak'suun-"But I'm a drow..."
Nuus'kar-"Looks like this is going to be a bad weekend for you."

Rak'suun

__________________
Nuus'kar-"Thou Shalt Not Suffer A Drow To Live"
Rak'suun-"But I'm a drow..."
Nuus'kar-"Looks like this is going to be a bad weekend for you."

Rak'suun

It has been a horrible month. Of this, there is no doubt. The rising suns of my life have once again been drowned in the inky blackness that is to be my heritage. I cannot say realistically that the actions of Nil'tyrr were the result of my past-that is foolish, idiotic. I should have been there to protect them, and I was not. This is a mistake that I will not repeat.
Kimi is pregnant. This is....I do not know. It tears me apart, rips my soul to shreds. I feel as if a thousand thousand needles have been thrust into my skin, and I can merely wait and see what happens.
The children must be protected at all costs. This is, perhaps, the only truly worthy cause I have ever taken up. I will defend them as if they were my own blood. It is all I can do to protect them from falling towards a damnation similar to my own.
And as for their father...
It is a curious thing, to protect the children while destroying the father. Nil'tyrr wrote to the Poste saying that he lived; I shall write to them when he is dead. My duty has tripled in danger-not only must I kill him, I must survive the outcome. I do not trust anyone to care for Kimi and her children. I must be alive to help her. I shall take precautions no matter what, however. I will talk to Hugo...he is, perhaps, my only real ally. I trust his heart-he will do whatever he can to protect Kimi and Keina.
Keina is doing better, or so I am told. I have not visited them in several days...I thought that perhaps my absence would help them both to clear their minds. Much as I wish, I am not Keina's father. I do not agree with all of his methods, but Talon is trying as best he can. He is an outstanding warrior, and is more than capable of keeping her safe. I will always be her friend, and I will always be there for her.
A few more days, perhaps, gathering the small scraps of information about Nil'tyrr I can, and I shall return home. I have been away long enough-I need to check on Kimi and Keina.
My future is sad and simple. I will protect Keina, Kimi, and her children. I will kill Nil'tyrr. I will try to rebuild my life as best I can.
I will continue until all hope fades, and all light is drowned. I will not surrender to dispair, or anger, or sadness. Others need me to be strong, and I will not fail them again.

OOC-my internet is being dodgey and idiotic. I blame the American Economy (don't as me why, I just do). I have some techie coming monday to check it out, and I hope to be back around that time. Check you out later!

__________________
Nuus'kar-"Thou Shalt Not Suffer A Drow To Live"
Rak'suun-"But I'm a drow..."
Nuus'kar-"Looks like this is going to be a bad weekend for you."